I've been pondering dating. Actually, I've been obsessing about dating. It's not the way that sounds. The thing is, I need to know a reason for dating. I've asked several people lately and have received some good answers. The problem is I still feel conflicted about it.
I want to go out on a date. I want to go to dinner and the park. I want to sit on the phone and talk about absolutely nothing. I want to hold hands. I want to watch football, eat wings, and absolutely berate my favorite team for their asinine play. I want to be in the company of a man who's interested in me for who I am.
The problem is all of it feels like a lie. I have broad desires, but focused hopes. I have a layout, but no blue print. I don't want to be in the company of just any man. I want to be in the company of the one. The one who is destined to be my forever. I don't want to go through the motions of it all with someone else. Someone who may look perfect, feel perfect, but just not be perfect.
I don't want to open myself up and put my feelings on the line when I know that there will come a point when I have to walk away. I've never been the one who wanted to date for dating sake. I wanted to play for keeps even when I was just 13 and I had my first boyfriend. So someone please try to help me understand the point of dating someone when your heart longs for the one.
The last part was supposed to be the end, but I just remember some thoughts I wrote the other day while my students were testing. Hope you like it.
The Potential of Us (9/10/09)
I want to love you more than I want to breathe.
You are what has caused me to soar.
You are what allows me to succeed.
You are what makes me fear failure.
You are the one that I want to love.
I want to grow with you.
I want to change from the person who only imagined you.
I want to be the one who relishes you...
the one who bathes in your touch.
I want to experience you in waves and sounds.
Your love makes me want to exceed the reach of love's limitations.
The peak of my happiness becomes immeasurable because of my devotion to you.
Fly with me on this celestial high.
Allow yourself to experience the fullness of me loving you.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
What Exactly Am I Doing Here?
I keep asking myself what exactly are you doing here? Why exactly are you living in a situation that brings you daily sadness? Why are you in this city where you never seem to do anything except get lost? Why does any of it even matter anymore? Why are you suddenly so sad about everything?
The only answer I ever have is that I followed the will of God. I still believe that. My sadness/semi-depression is all about life in the natural. I am suffering as a human being. I am suffering from loneliness. I am suffering from the loss of my best friend. I am suffering because I'm isolated from everything and everyone that I love. I am already seeking God's forgiveness as I write this because I know that at the end of it all I will be ok because in coming here I did what I was supposed to do. Who can tell me what to do right now? What am I supposed to do with the part in the middle? How am I supposed to find a sense of calm or happiness?
I am tired from working so hard to make a good impression with kids that I'm not invested in. I am having a hard time smiling through being told "I'm a redneck and I support the rebel flag." These kids are not my kids. I miss MY kids. And yet I am painfully aware that I was initially disconnected from them too. They were once not MY kids. The thing is they are now and I don't know what to do with kids that hate Obama just because he's black. Realistically, that would have to mean they hate me too. I'm sure they don't think of that as they proudly say these things. The question is still what am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to do with any of this? What am I supposed to do with being sad about DJ AM? What am I supposed to do with the stupid questions about why I get sad when things happen to people I don't know? How can you not feel sad for his family and his friends who will never see him again? How can you not feel sad at the loss of potential?
I am tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of wondering why everyone seems to be living a life that I thought I would have. Shouldn't I be happy that Alex has a baby boy? Ummm, that would be a resounding NO. Sure, I'm happy that he's moved on with his life and all of that. He's a great guy and I wanted nothing more than for him to have the things that he wanted. But what about what I wanted? When does any of that get to happen? When do I get to be a wife, a mom, a happy individual again? It's funny because I'm supposed to be being freed from oppression. Right now I just don't see that happening.
The only answer I ever have is that I followed the will of God. I still believe that. My sadness/semi-depression is all about life in the natural. I am suffering as a human being. I am suffering from loneliness. I am suffering from the loss of my best friend. I am suffering because I'm isolated from everything and everyone that I love. I am already seeking God's forgiveness as I write this because I know that at the end of it all I will be ok because in coming here I did what I was supposed to do. Who can tell me what to do right now? What am I supposed to do with the part in the middle? How am I supposed to find a sense of calm or happiness?
I am tired from working so hard to make a good impression with kids that I'm not invested in. I am having a hard time smiling through being told "I'm a redneck and I support the rebel flag." These kids are not my kids. I miss MY kids. And yet I am painfully aware that I was initially disconnected from them too. They were once not MY kids. The thing is they are now and I don't know what to do with kids that hate Obama just because he's black. Realistically, that would have to mean they hate me too. I'm sure they don't think of that as they proudly say these things. The question is still what am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to do with any of this? What am I supposed to do with being sad about DJ AM? What am I supposed to do with the stupid questions about why I get sad when things happen to people I don't know? How can you not feel sad for his family and his friends who will never see him again? How can you not feel sad at the loss of potential?
I am tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of wondering why everyone seems to be living a life that I thought I would have. Shouldn't I be happy that Alex has a baby boy? Ummm, that would be a resounding NO. Sure, I'm happy that he's moved on with his life and all of that. He's a great guy and I wanted nothing more than for him to have the things that he wanted. But what about what I wanted? When does any of that get to happen? When do I get to be a wife, a mom, a happy individual again? It's funny because I'm supposed to be being freed from oppression. Right now I just don't see that happening.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The Lonely Girl Blues
So I have the lonely new girl blues and I want to go on a date! Truthfully, I've been wanting to go on a date for a while so I guess those are unrelated issues. I don't quite know what to do. I don't even know what to say. There are so many variables that are causing me to be the lonely girl. I don't know anyone here is leading the pack. My coworkers are nice people, but right now I feel alone in a room. It reminds me of the essay that I wrote with that title. If you've never read it, I'll send it to you. It's not something that I want to post here. This is too public of a forum.
Anyway, I went to the library the other day and I saw the cutest guy ever. I sat there virtually stalking him until the library closed. He asked me to watch his laptop. I complied, but what I really wanted was for him to ask me for my number or to go to starbucks or anything that would have meant that I wouldn't have to go home and reflect. There are truly way too many things for me to reflect on right now. But, he left. He went about his way and I was left with the lonely girl blues.
Anyway, I went to the library the other day and I saw the cutest guy ever. I sat there virtually stalking him until the library closed. He asked me to watch his laptop. I complied, but what I really wanted was for him to ask me for my number or to go to starbucks or anything that would have meant that I wouldn't have to go home and reflect. There are truly way too many things for me to reflect on right now. But, he left. He went about his way and I was left with the lonely girl blues.
Friday, August 7, 2009
If You Obey Him, You Will Be Blessed
The cat is officially out of the bag. I'm moving to Tallahassee. I wanted to do my best to bring everyone up to speed. I will admit to being afraid to tell a couple of you I was leaving. This is part of the reason for the public forum. Well, here we go.
The story begins 3 years ago. My favorite cousin blessed me with tickets to an FSU game. I went with one of my best friends. I had the privilege to visit one of our sister churches (Greater Blessings Tabernacle of Praise) while I was there. I felt an instant connection. Over the past 3 years I have visited often, but recently I started to feel different.
A few months ago, I almost joined the Greater Blessings. I had spent the night before talking to friends about God, prayer, and purpose. I was uncertain about how they were receiving the words, but when we went to church the next morning the word was confirmed through the pastor. I was so full of God's love and presence. I felt like I was supposed to be there so when they opened the doors of the church I almost stood up. I stopped and laughed to myself because I am a member of a church. I am a member of the church that is where Greater Blessing sprung forth from. I brushed it aside.
In the months that followed, I continuously felt like I was supposed to go there. I didn't make any movements because I never wanted to live in Tallahassee, I planned to go back to Atlanta with my uncle, and I already had a church that I loved. None of it made sense to me so I just left it alone. The thoughts didn't leave me though.
Last month while visiting Greater Blessings I received a word from the man of God. I was told several things. One of the things that sticks out is about an occupational change. He told me that I was holding up someone else's departure and that when I went to get the job it would be given to me. He also said that God was leading me to the place that I should go. I knew in my heart the word concerned Tallahassee, but I still just didn't want to go.
On Monday, I applied to Leon county schools in Tallahassee. On Tuesday, I was called for an interview. On Wednesday, I was hired on the spot. This is a testament to obedience. There is so much more that can be said about what happened yesterday. My dress broke just before the interview. I had to go to the interview in jeans and flip flops. I was so unsure about myself and about how things were going, etc., etc. The point I'm trying to make with all of this is that when God wants you to do something, do it. Don't hesitate. Don't rationalize it in your mind. Just obey Him and watch while he shows out.
The story begins 3 years ago. My favorite cousin blessed me with tickets to an FSU game. I went with one of my best friends. I had the privilege to visit one of our sister churches (Greater Blessings Tabernacle of Praise) while I was there. I felt an instant connection. Over the past 3 years I have visited often, but recently I started to feel different.
A few months ago, I almost joined the Greater Blessings. I had spent the night before talking to friends about God, prayer, and purpose. I was uncertain about how they were receiving the words, but when we went to church the next morning the word was confirmed through the pastor. I was so full of God's love and presence. I felt like I was supposed to be there so when they opened the doors of the church I almost stood up. I stopped and laughed to myself because I am a member of a church. I am a member of the church that is where Greater Blessing sprung forth from. I brushed it aside.
In the months that followed, I continuously felt like I was supposed to go there. I didn't make any movements because I never wanted to live in Tallahassee, I planned to go back to Atlanta with my uncle, and I already had a church that I loved. None of it made sense to me so I just left it alone. The thoughts didn't leave me though.
Last month while visiting Greater Blessings I received a word from the man of God. I was told several things. One of the things that sticks out is about an occupational change. He told me that I was holding up someone else's departure and that when I went to get the job it would be given to me. He also said that God was leading me to the place that I should go. I knew in my heart the word concerned Tallahassee, but I still just didn't want to go.
On Monday, I applied to Leon county schools in Tallahassee. On Tuesday, I was called for an interview. On Wednesday, I was hired on the spot. This is a testament to obedience. There is so much more that can be said about what happened yesterday. My dress broke just before the interview. I had to go to the interview in jeans and flip flops. I was so unsure about myself and about how things were going, etc., etc. The point I'm trying to make with all of this is that when God wants you to do something, do it. Don't hesitate. Don't rationalize it in your mind. Just obey Him and watch while he shows out.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Public Service Announcement
Tomorrow I have an interview in Atlanta. I know that some of you will pray or have been praying for quite some time. Here's a little helpful piece of advice. Please don't pray that I get the job. Please don't pray using if then scenarios either. What I've been praying and what I'd like you to pray is that God opens the door that is for me and keeps all others closed. I am praying this prayer because I want what God wants. I don't want to make anymore choices that I have to do over. Yes, we all make mistakes in life. I just don't want this to be one of them.
The drive here today was very difficult. Driving to Atlanta stopped being fun for me a while ago. It is becoming downright dreadful. I talked to God. I talked to myself. I sang songs and I wondered if coming here was going to help me get my butt in place. I wondered how he would find me. Some of you will know what that means and some won't.... I'm ok with that.
I have some pretty strong feelings about where and why. I feel like it's all a part of God's plan. I just want to be sure. I just want to finally go through a trial without the error. So please, I beg of you pray that God opens His doors. This trial doesn't have room for any other prayers
The drive here today was very difficult. Driving to Atlanta stopped being fun for me a while ago. It is becoming downright dreadful. I talked to God. I talked to myself. I sang songs and I wondered if coming here was going to help me get my butt in place. I wondered how he would find me. Some of you will know what that means and some won't.... I'm ok with that.
I have some pretty strong feelings about where and why. I feel like it's all a part of God's plan. I just want to be sure. I just want to finally go through a trial without the error. So please, I beg of you pray that God opens His doors. This trial doesn't have room for any other prayers
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Are You About Done Yet?
So, I'm sitting at work bored out of my mind trying to play games on facebook. It occurs to me that I really don't want to be at work. I really don't want to be on facebook. All I really want is a nap. The problem is it's already seven and if I close my eyes for even 10 minutes I will be up all night. I will be up thinking about the very things that rack my brain all day. The main one is, are you about done yet?
Are you about done acting like a butthead? Are you about done pretending that you don't know what you're supposed to be doing? Are you about done going through day after day like a mindless zombie? Really are you about done with that?
These questions are on my mind so much it feels like I'm talking to myself. Today I added are you really going to drive to ATL tomorrow? I guess that's the only one that comes with the simple answer of yes. I'm so tired right now. My mind is tired. My body is tired. My eyes are tired of staring at this computer screen. Yet that doesn't answer the overarching question. Are you about done yet? Really would like to know so that I can stop the fog of the past few days at 3.
Are you about done acting like a butthead? Are you about done pretending that you don't know what you're supposed to be doing? Are you about done going through day after day like a mindless zombie? Really are you about done with that?
These questions are on my mind so much it feels like I'm talking to myself. Today I added are you really going to drive to ATL tomorrow? I guess that's the only one that comes with the simple answer of yes. I'm so tired right now. My mind is tired. My body is tired. My eyes are tired of staring at this computer screen. Yet that doesn't answer the overarching question. Are you about done yet? Really would like to know so that I can stop the fog of the past few days at 3.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
The Future
The future that awaits me seems so far away. The dreams fulfilled are still in the dreaming stage. The plans I'm making are like the yeast rolls my grandma used to make. They are covered while I'm waiting for them to rise. I see it. I see it so clearly. I see my life, my loves, my family. I see it all in front of me. Yet it is like a movie scene and I am watching it, waiting for the lead actress to start looking like what I see in the mirror. Will she fall ill? Will she feel like she just needs a night off? Will the director just wave his hand and give me my part? I'm the understudy, but the part is mine. Always has been and I know that I will shine in the future, but what am I to do right now?
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