My Love Is Like A River Peaceful And Deep

Last night I was put on the spot. The question sounded fairly simple. "Do you love me?" I wanted to answer, but I took the easy way out and smiled. I smiled with my mouth, but it was the thing that happened with my eyes and with my body that should have betrayed my answer. My eyes said yes, my arms said hold me, and my mouth was quiet. It was quiet when all that was needed was yes. It was quiet because yes is not big enough for the feelings that I have. Yes does nothing for the moments when our eyes meet and I am calm and thrilled in the same instant.

My thoughts of you are round and messy and yes doesn't cover how it feels to miss you before you are even gone. Yes does nothing for the moments when I wonder how God shaped your hair, your mouth, and your eyes. What would yes do except complicate a completely simplistic exchange? Do I love you? Do I love you? Do I love you? Of course I love you unless then again I don't. ;)

It's Not What I Do, It's What I need.

This weekend has taught me some things about how people grieve. I always knew that each of us had our own way of going about things, but it was never so telling than this weekend. I spent the night that my grandfather died on a rooftop listening to music and watching people who looked like they hadn't a care in the world. There was a wide range of ages and ethnicities. Everyone united in a single quest to have fun.

I had fun. I had fun and for those few hours I didn't think about missing Pop or my mom being sad or anything really. I just thought about how my feet hurt and how I have some pretty amazing friends. My friends always seem to step right in without prompting. They seem to know that sometimes grief doesn't look like tears. Sometimes it looks like two friends sitting on a rooftop.

Mr. Lyle

Yesterday I celebrated with another of my friends. It was Courtney's wedding day. There were smiles and quite a few tears. I sat there feeling a little detached from it all. It was like I didn't want to think too hard about her mother's tears. I didn't want to think about how much I knew she missed Mr. Lyle.

Mr. Lyle is Courtney's dad. He was killed in an accident 6 months ago. He was there with us in every smile. He was there when her sons led her down the aisle. He was there, but I felt his absence hanging over me. I wanted him to see how pretty she looked. I wanted him to sit and look over at her in that way that only dads do. I know that he was with us but this morning I miss him still.

So Anxious

I have a little over 24 hours left before my great departure for the summer. I am beyond ready to go. I have been sitting in this wonderful class thinking why on earth did I sign myself up for this torture. The days have been long and almost unbearable. But, the thing that has kept me going is know that I am so close to the end.

This summer represents so many things. A part of it is freedom. If I am real with myself, it is more about getting back. I have been getting closer and closer to what I have affectionately termed the climax. The climax...the combination of what was and what is in front of me. I get goosebumps thinking about it. The climax...that point where well to be frank I climax. LOL! I love the play on words. I love that everything around me is changing. Everything is pushing me toward a place that will move me from my current state of happiness to the ultimate state of bliss.

Sweet

How would you know that you felt bitter if you had never known sweet? I learned some things this past week that has me in a new head space. I am still foggy on a few things, but I had the opportunity to sit and share with Adrianne, Camille, and Talethia. Each conversation was rich and nourishing and insightful. Each one of them lent me an ear to process the things that God had been showing me about me. I was bitter, but now I am free of that emotion. I am free of needing to feel like I missed out on something. I can now appreciate the things that I've gained. I can appreciate the mistakes. I can appreciate the journey. It is so freeing to know that all of it has made me a little bit wiser. And wisdom is truly invaluable.

Bitter

This morning I found myself wrestling with a feeling that I don't often have. I felt utterly and completely bitter. I tried to whisper a prayer about it. I tried texting a friend, but the feeling just kept lingering around like an unwelcomed guest at a party. That image is so annoying because my life right now is just that. I am in party mode. I have been celebrating so many wonderful milestones. I have been enjoying my days. I have just been so happy. But bitter has a way of sneaking up on you. Bitter doesn't knock on the door and ask permission to be let in. Bitter just creeps in through the window or a back door. Bitter has had me in a funk all day and I am desperately seeking a way for bitter to exit the building.

It's the Last Day of School.....

....let the tomfoolery begin!