The Pact

I remember when I made a pact with one of my best friends. He was single and trying to find himself. I was single and growing in my relationship with God. We decided that we were going to form a celibacy pact and be each other's accountability partner. We were relatively excited until I looked up the definition of celibacy. You see according to Merriam Webster celibacy means abstaining from sex as well as abstaining by vow from marriage. It was the latter that gave the both of us pause. We had no problem with abstaining, but neither of us had an interest in vowing not to get married. And to be frank, our thought was we were abstaining only until marriage. By no means were we looking for God to take marriage off the table. So we quickly laughed it off and collectively assured God that we only meant we will try not to do it NOW. He had to know how we looked forward to later. But what if there is no later? What if God's plan was that He was going to be the only spouse that we would have? What would happen to our resolve to save ourselves for marriage if there was to be no earthly marriage? Would being legally single & spiritually married to God be enough? I know the bible says delight yourself in the Lord, but what about my needs, my wants, and my secret desires? I can't tell God that I long to be touched can I? The Lord says do not fear cause I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. But what about my man? What about the father of my children? WHAT about single, saved, and saving myself equals not ending up with a husband? I couldn't have answered that question five years ago. Now I can say God truly will be your comforter. God will love you, hold you, rock you in such a way that leaves no doubt He is the best you could ever have. Adayinthelife:-)

Practice What You Preach

The lesson for today is practice what you preach. The bible says in Matthew 18:15 NIV “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over." I know this scripture. I share it with others. I encourage people to follow it, but I didn't practice what I preached. I decided I was judge and jury. Instead of going to the person, I went to the masses. I tried and convicted and in the end I was wrong. There was no offense committed against me. There was nothing to try or convict. In the end, what was before me was a test and oh how I failed. I failed because instead of looking to God & following His word, I allowed myself to be persuaded in my own mind. I allowed myself to be persuaded by my insecurities. I allowed the ghosts of hurts past to be resurrected and given new life. A few of you know that it had an absolute affect on every aspect of my life. I even dragged a number of you into it. So it was wrong on more than one front. I can say that I learned something about myself, my commitment, my faith. I talk the talk so much that sometimes I forget to put on my good walking shoes. Adayinthelife:-)

In The Middle Of The Night

In the middle of the night is when some people have epiphanies. This is not an epiphany moment. This is a I fell asleep, woke up, and don't want to be alone with my thoughts moment. Just thought I would put that out there in case this is only toe deep. My thoughts are like a movie flashback for what is now two nights in a row. I can see the past, but I have no concept and only a teaspoon of hope for happy five minutes in front of my face. I am exhausted. It would be simplistic to be reading and mentally pointing fingers. "I wonder what he did now? She should dump him. I wouldn't put up with this. She don't deserve that." News flash it does not matter if he did something. You cannot know what I should do. You have at some point put up with this. A few of you are putting up with far worse right now. And how could you know what I deserve? Now that I have your full attention and you can focus on my thoughts, let me help you.

If you are reading this, someone will hurt you. It may be your best friend, your boyfriend, your father or your mom. Someone that you love will hold your trust in their hands and toss it aside. Someone that you love will forget to say I love you in words, thoughts, and deeds. Someone that you love will make you cry. I have in 37 glorious years been wounded by every single person that I love, but my readers will not reflect on the hurt they at one point or the other caused. They will just read and wonder outwardly what someone else has done. That is lazy. Here is a more productive exercise.

I cheated on the boy who many only know from a date rape story that I wrote in my senior English class. Oh he was guilty of violating me, but I cheated. I cheated and though it was after his act, no one says he didn't deserve that. They only stare at me and wonder how I forgave him. I forgave him because he asked and I was supposed to. He did not forgive me. You see I never asked. I never owned that I cheated. I just projected my hurt feelings for him and the world to pity. Ironically, I loathe the story now. It happened and for storytelling purposes it is an exquisite piece of literature. It just is not my sad story anymore.

Through the years I have hurt all of you. Well all of you that are known to me that is. This is after all a public blog. I have hurt you and I believe that all our grievances have been resolved. I like to think that I did not mean it. In more than one instance, that is simply not true. We hurt people on purpose, on accident, on Sunday-Saturday. We hurt cause we are hurt or we are afraid of being hurt. We hurt the ones we love far deeper than the ones we like and I need everyone to own that. I need everyone to say I have been the cause of someone's pain. I will be the cause of someone's pain. Now for those of you who are super deep, you are not speaking negatively about your future. You are acknowledging a truth. Whether intentionally or not, you & I will hurt someone we love. We will have a starring role in their drama. When the day comes remember, in the middle of the night I made you own it.

 Adayinthelife:-)

Mercy

I know at some point everyone has played the game mercy. I used to play all the time with my siblings and my cousins. I actually used to be very good at it. There was something exciting about winning. Now, I am excited by the prospect of losing. Actually it isn't losing when you give up. And I officially give up. I am not stronger than my opponent. I cannot hold on any longer. I cannot fight the good fight. I cannot do what Jesus would do because I am not Him. The only thing I can do is scream MERCY!!!!!! And hope that somebody hears. Adayinthelife

I'm So Excited

I'm so excited. I just can't hide it. It's my birthday and I like it. :-) I am feeling so thankful to be in the land of the living. I had a great night out last night and I am looking forward to what today brings. I am reflective as always and still a little sad by my real life Pretty Woman saga, but what I have learned is God made me strong on the outside for a reason. I specify outside because the inside of me is fragile. It is rolling around like jello even now. It's ok though cause I have my family, my friends... I have people that love me... that helps so much especially on days like this. Until next time Adayinthelife:-)

When Vivian met Stuckey

When last I wrote, I was in search of thigh high boots to reclaim my sense of normal. Imagine me literally walking around my apartment in thigh high boots and pajamas. No, not the sexy kind. The kind that have little birds and hearts chirping all over the pants. I am walking around trying to find my balance needing to know how long its going to take Richard Gere to swoop in and knock Stuckey's head off. I offer apologies to my readers who are not versed in all things Pretty Woman. But I need to work something out in my own mind and this is how I've chosen to do it. I've chosen to walk around in thigh high boots while wondering if I will ever really remember what it was like before I had to deal with this new normal. I've chosen to say I am Vivian and you my dear chameleon are Stuckey. You are Stuckey. Stuckey who appeared loyal and trustworthy. Stuckey who appeared to be Edward's friend. Stuckey who looked at Vivian and saw everything except who she was. She wasn't a corporate spy, a socialite trying to land a rich husband, or a fancy smancy Pharmaceutical rep. She was just a girl from a small town who liked short dresses and thigh high boots. Until you changed what it meant to wear them and she didn't. Adayinthelife

Pretty Woman

I don't particularly like comparing myself to a hooker, but I did it twice yesterday and with excellent reason. I have always told people Pretty Woman is my all time favorite movie. Many look at me puzzled and smile. Very few ask the proverbial question. Why? I have many ways that I could answer that question. I will start with because. I love it because it always gave me hope. I would watch it once, twice, a few times even three times a day. I wanted to pinpoint the moment that Vivian was more than just a hooker and Richard Gere was more than just a john. You see Julia Roberts was Vivian. Richard Gere...well he was Richard Gere. LOL!But I digress. I wanted to highlight in my mind the moment that a hooker became my sense of reality. To some that may be sad, but Rahab and Gomer were prostitutes and they are in the bible. I love Pretty Woman because Richard Gere fell in love with a prostitute. He dressed her up and made her look like someone who was acceptable, but at the end of the day he fell for a thigh high boot wearing prostitute. So where are we going with this Brooks is no doubt what you're thinking. Well I remember this one time I fell in love with a dope boy. Or the time I fell in love with an alcoholic. Then there was the time I fell in love with a chameleon. I gave my heart to the dope boy because he allowed me to be just who I was all while encouraging me to be more than just where we grew up at. I gave my life to the alcoholic because I wanted to save him. I wanted to show him he was so much more than what he was reduced to while drunk. In both of these instances, I was comfortable. I knew what the various outcomes could be. I knew how to be street when it was called for and sweet when it wasn't. I knew how to be and I knew what to expect. I had the hope of someone who knew Richard Gere fell in love with a hooker. As I type, I am looking for my thigh high boots and too short skirt cause when I'm wearing my own clothes I am prepared. Adayinthelife:-)