I'm Not Hiding Anymore

A few days ago a friend told me that I have a habit of hiding behind my words. I agreed and disagreed with his assessment. So much of what I write is just for me to get it out at that moment. It becomes about hiding when I stop and think about the questions that people will ask. When I have to deal with the fall out of something that is just me having a moment about something or taking a time out, I resort to evasive writing. So I decided, after a much needed bonding session with my cousin (love you AJ), to come clean. Here's the deal. Since April 24th I've written 25 or 26 posts. All of those, with the exception of about 5, were about the same person. Now I realize that most people have no idea who that person is. Well, it's Eric. Eric is my very best friend. I don't say that to discredit any of my other friends. I say it because he's my laughter, he's my protector, he's my confidant. He's my everything that I thought I ever needed or wanted in a friend. Up until recently, I had never told him a lie. I had never kept anything from him. But I made a bad decision and decided that withholding the truth wasn't exactly a lie.

Our relationship has been strained in the past months. It has been strained by a question that has not had a conclusive answer. It has been strained because I didn't feel like he should bear the weight of what was going through my mind. So I dressed a lot of my writing in different clothes. I pretended that things that I could care less about were important.

I decided on Thursday that I didn't want to do that anymore. I didn't want to hide behind my words. I didn't want to, but even when I talked to him I still did. I talked to him, but I didn't tell him that 20 of those 25 posts was all about what's been going through my mind concerning him. I talked to him, but he still hasn't read "That Girl". I talked to him, but I hadn't stopped hiding behind it all until right now. He is my best friend. He is the beginning and end of many of life's pressing thoughts. That's about all I plan to say about this. Charles, I hope you're happy now.

When Baking Won't Work....

I turn to the only other thing that brings me relief from my thoughts. I can't take much more of the thoughts running through my mind. I wonder what it means when he asks me how I feel. I wonder what it means when he tells me how special I am. I wonder what any of it could possibly mean. I wonder, but there are never any answers. There are always more questions.

Why would he make a life altering decision just because? Why does it still even matter to me? Why am I such a horrid person for even having thoughts about him? In the morning, I think of him. He's with me all day. I take him to work. He is a part of my every conversation though he is never mentioned. I am completely taken by him. I want to know what it means. I want to know what it's all for. Is he or isn't he?

I am so overwhelmed by feelings that are older than me, stronger than me, and so confusing to me. He's the first boy I ever loved. And the girl that he knew doesn't even exist. But the one that's here right now can't do anything except think of him and wonder what happens now.

Silent Prayer

I have playing in my head the song Silent Prayer by Shanice. I want to explain in my own words, but the words of the song say everything without me having to say anything.

Silent Prayer by Shanice
Featuring Johnny Gill
(N.M. Walden and J. Cohen song writers)

I send to you my silent prayer
Before I sleep at night
I send to you my silent prayer
Baby so you'll be alright

Every morning I think of you
I just can't shake off my dreams...no, no
I read the paper and watch the news
I don't know what it means

When you do what you've got to do
You must know that I'm there with you
Every breath that I take...I hope and I pray
Sweet baby...baby be ok

Chorus
Silent prayer
Silent prayer
Silent prayer
I send to you my silent prayer

I hold a picture of a golden sunset
And I'll take your hand
We're gonna walk down that promised road
Just like we planned

'Cause I know what I'm gonna do
Just as soon as I'm back with you
Every breath that I take...I hope and I pray
Sweet baby...baby be ok

A Teenage Love

So many things are running through my mind right now. I want to be asleep, but I close my eyes and I see all of us sitting under the tree. I see us walking down the railroad tracks. Going back and forth to the julip lady's house for snacks. In my mind I'm remembering the 5th Sunday congress and Boardwalk & Baseball. The trips we took to Lithia Springs are rolling through like a movie reel. Sometimes we were at our house. Sometimes we were sitting in chairs on the side of Monica's house. Wherever we were, we were all together. There was so much love then. So much love and so many memories. Playing Pac Man at the laundromat. Getting cookies from Ms. Luvinia's store. Walking to Bradenton for the parade. Buying matching outfits for the fair. I remember so many things. I wonder why these thoughts are in my mind.

I am remembering my first boyfriend....the simplicity of our first kiss. These things were all in a time where a teenage love wasn't all that complicated. You held hands. You kissed. You made plans. But mostly, you waited for something to happen. You waited to be an adult. You waited and while you were waiting you forgot to savor the moments. You assumed that growing up would be better and you would all always be together. Now, it is not so. The place you all shared and loved is only a fraction of what it once was. Houses line the field near the railroad tracks. Grandma's house is long gone. We are all scattered about living these lives that we waited for. All I want is to go to sleep, but somehow all I can do is remember and wonder why we thought that this would be so much better than it was.

An Oldie But Goodie

I was laying here watching a movie and a few things started running through my mind. One of them is it's amazing to realize you've forgiven someone. It's even more amazing to realize when you feel nothing but love. There are two people who have my heart smiling. They are both my shelter. They are both my home place. They are both my best friend. She always let me be myself. The girl who screamed or the one who cried. He's the only one who knows the dream and pushes me to reach for it. There are so many things about these two people who hold my heart in their hands. When I was thinking of them I thought about a poem I wrote 10 yrs ago. When I wrote it she was the very fiber of who I was and he was someone who was yet to come. But it fits them. It fits them. Although I wrote it for someone else, I hope that they will accept it because I truly do love them.

"Because I love you" a1999candyoriginal


I love you

Without you my life would be nothing
When I met you, you changed the very way the sun appeared,
flowers smelled, and world moved for me

Before you I was lost, wandering around with no joy
You brought the most wonderful thing to my life, love
When we are apart I keep going by the pieces of you
that I carry with me

Your smile lights up my day
especially when work situations get me down
Remembering your words of encouragement
pushes me to succeed

I love you

You are my perfect angel
You have things about you that cause others to think less of you
those are the things that elevate you in my eyes
You inspire me to love as I never have before

Angel, I love you

I can not say it enough
Each time the words escape my lips
my heart swells with adoration for you

You are everything to me angel
and my heart sings

because I love you.

Changes

I've reached my breaking point. I didn't imagine it would come to this. I didn't imagine that I would feel like the only solution was for me to walk away. But here I am preparing to do it again. I'm walking away because somehow at some point me just being who I am became too much. Me just living and loving the way I always have. I make no apology about the way I am, the way I was raised. I am who I am apologetically. If I am your friend, I will love you through the laughter and the tears. I will love you through disappointments. I will love you even when I feel like I've run out of love to give. I've reached that point today. I've reached the point where I don't feel like I can be the friend that I once was and it hurts me, but in this moment there is nothing. I feel angry. I feel hurt. I don't feel love. I feel like it is all so surreal. I don't know how we got here.

I wish there was peace. I want peace so bad. I want the times when we stayed up half the night just talking and laughing. I want hours on the phone hashing out the meaning of life, some interesting scripture, or nothing at all. I want to feel like I have my friend. But I was told that things change. Things have to be different and I should show respect for what is now. I wonder who shows respect for what was before. I wonder, but there is no room for an answer. Things do inevitably change. I guess the problem is my love stayed the same.

It Should Be A Given

If you tell me you're saved, certain things just should be a given. I shouldn't have to cringe when I ride with you because your radio is on the hip hop/ r&b station. I shouldn't have to wonder how you know every popular song. I shouldn't have to see new pictures of you at the club. I shouldn't have to convince you to stop giving the world for all of your attention. I shouldn't have to wonder why you don't stop cursing. I shouldn't have to listen to your story about how you and your bf/gf got down. I shouldn't have to because as a Christian some things should be a given.

It should be a given that you went to church last week.
It should be a given that you spent time in prayer.
It should be a given that you paid your tithe and offering.
It should be a given that you are constantly seeking spiritual growth.
It should be a given that unmarried Christians are not having sex.
It should be a given that you no longer pepper our conversations with curse words.
It should be a given, but it's not. So maybe you should ask yourself are you really saved?