A la Carte

I have been pondering how to write this blog for quite some time now. The thought originally came about a month ago. I was angry then and decided to table it to another time. Saturday night a comment was made that let me know it was time.

I'll start by saying I have a certain fondness for a la carte meals. I love the idea of being able to pick and choose what I want to eat. In that sense there is an almost limitless variety of choices. It is favorable to many because we want what we want when we want it. The idea of picking and choosing is quite enticing. Clearly I think that a la carte has it's place.

A la carte has no place in a spiritual walk. You can't just pick and choose what you will consume. You can't go to your pastor for him to speak healing and prosperity in your life on Sunday and run to your girlfriends to speak over your personal life on Monday. You can't decide to go from person to person picking up favorable words in a la carte fashion. The pastor says, "You will be healed." You say, "I believe". The pastor says you will get a new job. You say, "I believe". The pastor says this is your year. You say, "I believe". The entire time these things are transpiring you are met with support and amens from your friends. Yet the minute it turns personal and he says "he's the one", the very same friends decide that the plate that you've been eating from needs some variety. They decide it is ok to encourage you to believe everything except what the man of God says. They begin with, did you ask this person? Did you ask that person? Oh, well if you ask me I don't believe that will work out. They go as far as to question whether your pastor is a false prophet. They do so openly and without thought of what they're saying because I usually just stare at them wondering what spirit they are of.

I can't do that anymore. I believe that if you believe your man or woman of God then that's the end of it. You believe them until YOU no longer have reason to and that reason shouldn't come via conversation with anyone except God. I'm tired of people who feel like it's ok to say any and everything to me about pastors who God has used to positively affect my life. I came to know God under pastor G.I Bradley. I came to truly love God under Bishop Henry L. Porter. And I am growing in my service to God under pastor DeWayne Harvey. These are the men that God has set forth to shepherd my life. I don't believe that either of them are without fault. I do believe that they are all men of God who speak the word of God. If you believe otherwise, do me a big favor and tell someone who cares. That would not be me.

He Loved Me When I Didn't Know How to Love Myself

Earlier today I told a friend that I believed God, but I couldn't believe that he would pick me. The reason I made that statement doesn't really matter. It was true then and it is true now. I'm sitting here thinking about my day and how nothing seemed to go as planned. I woke up, got dressed, and went to a meeting that had already taken place. I went to the wrong store to get a gift for an upcoming wedding. I found the perfect scent only to discover that it was designed for men. I sought encouragement only to be shut down. In the natural it would seem that I had a bad day.
Thank God I am not operating in the natural

A few minutes ago I realized that this morning's statement and the days events helped me to get to a place of thanks. I could easily gripe about the day, but all I can think is He loves me. He's always loved me. I remember in high school I was always searching for something. I needed to be in charge. I needed to fit in. I needed acceptance. I was so critical of myself (I still am). I couldn't see how anyone could love me because I had so many flaws. I always seemed to be getting something wrong. It was kind of like what happened today. I couldn't see the right in it all when it was happening, but I serve of God who loves me and He continues to remind me that everything I am is good enough for Him.

It's alright with Him that I missed the meeting. All week as I prepared for it, my mind was focused on Him. It was alright that I went to the wrong store. He used me to touch the new people I met in my travels. The disappointment about the fragrance..... I think I wouldn't have been so disappointed if he would have understood the reason for my excitement. This too is alright because it reminded me that I haven't been praying for us the way that I should. Each situation had the potential to begin and end badly. I thank God that I can see how it was all meant for my good.

I'm Not Hiding Anymore

A few days ago a friend told me that I have a habit of hiding behind my words. I agreed and disagreed with his assessment. So much of what I write is just for me to get it out at that moment. It becomes about hiding when I stop and think about the questions that people will ask. When I have to deal with the fall out of something that is just me having a moment about something or taking a time out, I resort to evasive writing. So I decided, after a much needed bonding session with my cousin (love you AJ), to come clean. Here's the deal. Since April 24th I've written 25 or 26 posts. All of those, with the exception of about 5, were about the same person. Now I realize that most people have no idea who that person is. Well, it's Eric. Eric is my very best friend. I don't say that to discredit any of my other friends. I say it because he's my laughter, he's my protector, he's my confidant. He's my everything that I thought I ever needed or wanted in a friend. Up until recently, I had never told him a lie. I had never kept anything from him. But I made a bad decision and decided that withholding the truth wasn't exactly a lie.

Our relationship has been strained in the past months. It has been strained by a question that has not had a conclusive answer. It has been strained because I didn't feel like he should bear the weight of what was going through my mind. So I dressed a lot of my writing in different clothes. I pretended that things that I could care less about were important.

I decided on Thursday that I didn't want to do that anymore. I didn't want to hide behind my words. I didn't want to, but even when I talked to him I still did. I talked to him, but I didn't tell him that 20 of those 25 posts was all about what's been going through my mind concerning him. I talked to him, but he still hasn't read "That Girl". I talked to him, but I hadn't stopped hiding behind it all until right now. He is my best friend. He is the beginning and end of many of life's pressing thoughts. That's about all I plan to say about this. Charles, I hope you're happy now.

When Baking Won't Work....

I turn to the only other thing that brings me relief from my thoughts. I can't take much more of the thoughts running through my mind. I wonder what it means when he asks me how I feel. I wonder what it means when he tells me how special I am. I wonder what any of it could possibly mean. I wonder, but there are never any answers. There are always more questions.

Why would he make a life altering decision just because? Why does it still even matter to me? Why am I such a horrid person for even having thoughts about him? In the morning, I think of him. He's with me all day. I take him to work. He is a part of my every conversation though he is never mentioned. I am completely taken by him. I want to know what it means. I want to know what it's all for. Is he or isn't he?

I am so overwhelmed by feelings that are older than me, stronger than me, and so confusing to me. He's the first boy I ever loved. And the girl that he knew doesn't even exist. But the one that's here right now can't do anything except think of him and wonder what happens now.

Silent Prayer

I have playing in my head the song Silent Prayer by Shanice. I want to explain in my own words, but the words of the song say everything without me having to say anything.

Silent Prayer by Shanice
Featuring Johnny Gill
(N.M. Walden and J. Cohen song writers)

I send to you my silent prayer
Before I sleep at night
I send to you my silent prayer
Baby so you'll be alright

Every morning I think of you
I just can't shake off my dreams...no, no
I read the paper and watch the news
I don't know what it means

When you do what you've got to do
You must know that I'm there with you
Every breath that I take...I hope and I pray
Sweet baby...baby be ok

Chorus
Silent prayer
Silent prayer
Silent prayer
I send to you my silent prayer

I hold a picture of a golden sunset
And I'll take your hand
We're gonna walk down that promised road
Just like we planned

'Cause I know what I'm gonna do
Just as soon as I'm back with you
Every breath that I take...I hope and I pray
Sweet baby...baby be ok

A Teenage Love

So many things are running through my mind right now. I want to be asleep, but I close my eyes and I see all of us sitting under the tree. I see us walking down the railroad tracks. Going back and forth to the julip lady's house for snacks. In my mind I'm remembering the 5th Sunday congress and Boardwalk & Baseball. The trips we took to Lithia Springs are rolling through like a movie reel. Sometimes we were at our house. Sometimes we were sitting in chairs on the side of Monica's house. Wherever we were, we were all together. There was so much love then. So much love and so many memories. Playing Pac Man at the laundromat. Getting cookies from Ms. Luvinia's store. Walking to Bradenton for the parade. Buying matching outfits for the fair. I remember so many things. I wonder why these thoughts are in my mind.

I am remembering my first boyfriend....the simplicity of our first kiss. These things were all in a time where a teenage love wasn't all that complicated. You held hands. You kissed. You made plans. But mostly, you waited for something to happen. You waited to be an adult. You waited and while you were waiting you forgot to savor the moments. You assumed that growing up would be better and you would all always be together. Now, it is not so. The place you all shared and loved is only a fraction of what it once was. Houses line the field near the railroad tracks. Grandma's house is long gone. We are all scattered about living these lives that we waited for. All I want is to go to sleep, but somehow all I can do is remember and wonder why we thought that this would be so much better than it was.

An Oldie But Goodie

I was laying here watching a movie and a few things started running through my mind. One of them is it's amazing to realize you've forgiven someone. It's even more amazing to realize when you feel nothing but love. There are two people who have my heart smiling. They are both my shelter. They are both my home place. They are both my best friend. She always let me be myself. The girl who screamed or the one who cried. He's the only one who knows the dream and pushes me to reach for it. There are so many things about these two people who hold my heart in their hands. When I was thinking of them I thought about a poem I wrote 10 yrs ago. When I wrote it she was the very fiber of who I was and he was someone who was yet to come. But it fits them. It fits them. Although I wrote it for someone else, I hope that they will accept it because I truly do love them.

"Because I love you" a1999candyoriginal


I love you

Without you my life would be nothing
When I met you, you changed the very way the sun appeared,
flowers smelled, and world moved for me

Before you I was lost, wandering around with no joy
You brought the most wonderful thing to my life, love
When we are apart I keep going by the pieces of you
that I carry with me

Your smile lights up my day
especially when work situations get me down
Remembering your words of encouragement
pushes me to succeed

I love you

You are my perfect angel
You have things about you that cause others to think less of you
those are the things that elevate you in my eyes
You inspire me to love as I never have before

Angel, I love you

I can not say it enough
Each time the words escape my lips
my heart swells with adoration for you

You are everything to me angel
and my heart sings

because I love you.