I Finally Understand What He Meant

A couple of months ago my pastor told me to let it go. That's not all he said, but in the interest of time we'll stick with that. I thought I knew what he meant. I decided it was completely about this one thing that I had been obsessing about. This week I realized it was about that, but it was so much more than that. I had to let go of something that I hadn't even realized I was holding on to. I let go and this week has been so incredible. The best thing to come out of all of it is the bevy of handsome men. I feel just like a kid again. It's great. I wish I would've realized this a long time ago, but I guess I must accept that everything happens at just the right time.

Underneath It All

I had a very hard day today. I woke up expecting... well to be honest I don't know what I was expecting. I didn't anticipate the tears then and I wish that they would go away now because it does not make typing any easier. I am not in a sad mood right now. I think I can't stop crying because I held on to it for so long. I've been holding on to my feelings for him. I've been holding on, but today I let go. I let go because while we sat there eating and talking as friends there was a sadness for me. A sadness that I didn't want to feel anymore. I couldn't bear another minute of us not being honest. I couldn't bear another minute of us not being on the same page. So I cried. I cried right there in the restaurant. I was so embarassed that I walked away. But it didn't matter because when we left I couldn't stop the inevitable. I couldn't stop the tears that had been sitting there underneath the surface for the past 6 months. The tears helped me free myself. The tears helped me face myself. The tears helped me tell him that it wasn't about what anyone said. It's just how I feel. How I've probably always felt. How I would have known I felt had I stopped to look underneath all of the crap that was taking up space in my life.

I like him....and him too....a shout out to Nika

I saw a friend's status message on facebook that said "I like him...and him too." I immediately laughed because I know exactly where she's coming from. I've been there a time or two and I've been with her through it a time or two in the past. No one ever told me what to do about the dueling feelings that I was having. Right now, I feel like I'm starting to like someone for all of his imperfections. It's a little bit of a weird approach I know. When I met him, it was an instant attraction. At this point those are not the things that make me laugh and smile. I'm noticing different things like the fact that he is so articulate in one moment, but he stutters in the next. He doesn't seem embarrassed about it at all and that is so empowering for me because I trip over my words when I'm nervous. I noticed something else about him today. He is a motivator and he's soft spoken. I hadn't noticed it before because I think that I was infatuated with the way he looks. He is smoking hot by the way. That is a funny statement too because the more I look at him and the more I dissect it, the smoking hot part becomes so small next to the other things.

He is not an island unto himself where my thoughts are concerned. There is another who is a sweet shelter for me. In him there are so many things to ponder....so many things I missed. Things that are now like dueling dragons in my mind's eye. I more than like him. I think of him always. Always....and then some more. It's different with him though. He makes me happy and tired all at once. He is a conundrum that I just can't give anymore time to today. This started out carefree and that's the way it shall end. I like him....and him too. What's a girl to do?

A la Carte

I have been pondering how to write this blog for quite some time now. The thought originally came about a month ago. I was angry then and decided to table it to another time. Saturday night a comment was made that let me know it was time.

I'll start by saying I have a certain fondness for a la carte meals. I love the idea of being able to pick and choose what I want to eat. In that sense there is an almost limitless variety of choices. It is favorable to many because we want what we want when we want it. The idea of picking and choosing is quite enticing. Clearly I think that a la carte has it's place.

A la carte has no place in a spiritual walk. You can't just pick and choose what you will consume. You can't go to your pastor for him to speak healing and prosperity in your life on Sunday and run to your girlfriends to speak over your personal life on Monday. You can't decide to go from person to person picking up favorable words in a la carte fashion. The pastor says, "You will be healed." You say, "I believe". The pastor says you will get a new job. You say, "I believe". The pastor says this is your year. You say, "I believe". The entire time these things are transpiring you are met with support and amens from your friends. Yet the minute it turns personal and he says "he's the one", the very same friends decide that the plate that you've been eating from needs some variety. They decide it is ok to encourage you to believe everything except what the man of God says. They begin with, did you ask this person? Did you ask that person? Oh, well if you ask me I don't believe that will work out. They go as far as to question whether your pastor is a false prophet. They do so openly and without thought of what they're saying because I usually just stare at them wondering what spirit they are of.

I can't do that anymore. I believe that if you believe your man or woman of God then that's the end of it. You believe them until YOU no longer have reason to and that reason shouldn't come via conversation with anyone except God. I'm tired of people who feel like it's ok to say any and everything to me about pastors who God has used to positively affect my life. I came to know God under pastor G.I Bradley. I came to truly love God under Bishop Henry L. Porter. And I am growing in my service to God under pastor DeWayne Harvey. These are the men that God has set forth to shepherd my life. I don't believe that either of them are without fault. I do believe that they are all men of God who speak the word of God. If you believe otherwise, do me a big favor and tell someone who cares. That would not be me.

He Loved Me When I Didn't Know How to Love Myself

Earlier today I told a friend that I believed God, but I couldn't believe that he would pick me. The reason I made that statement doesn't really matter. It was true then and it is true now. I'm sitting here thinking about my day and how nothing seemed to go as planned. I woke up, got dressed, and went to a meeting that had already taken place. I went to the wrong store to get a gift for an upcoming wedding. I found the perfect scent only to discover that it was designed for men. I sought encouragement only to be shut down. In the natural it would seem that I had a bad day.
Thank God I am not operating in the natural

A few minutes ago I realized that this morning's statement and the days events helped me to get to a place of thanks. I could easily gripe about the day, but all I can think is He loves me. He's always loved me. I remember in high school I was always searching for something. I needed to be in charge. I needed to fit in. I needed acceptance. I was so critical of myself (I still am). I couldn't see how anyone could love me because I had so many flaws. I always seemed to be getting something wrong. It was kind of like what happened today. I couldn't see the right in it all when it was happening, but I serve of God who loves me and He continues to remind me that everything I am is good enough for Him.

It's alright with Him that I missed the meeting. All week as I prepared for it, my mind was focused on Him. It was alright that I went to the wrong store. He used me to touch the new people I met in my travels. The disappointment about the fragrance..... I think I wouldn't have been so disappointed if he would have understood the reason for my excitement. This too is alright because it reminded me that I haven't been praying for us the way that I should. Each situation had the potential to begin and end badly. I thank God that I can see how it was all meant for my good.

I'm Not Hiding Anymore

A few days ago a friend told me that I have a habit of hiding behind my words. I agreed and disagreed with his assessment. So much of what I write is just for me to get it out at that moment. It becomes about hiding when I stop and think about the questions that people will ask. When I have to deal with the fall out of something that is just me having a moment about something or taking a time out, I resort to evasive writing. So I decided, after a much needed bonding session with my cousin (love you AJ), to come clean. Here's the deal. Since April 24th I've written 25 or 26 posts. All of those, with the exception of about 5, were about the same person. Now I realize that most people have no idea who that person is. Well, it's Eric. Eric is my very best friend. I don't say that to discredit any of my other friends. I say it because he's my laughter, he's my protector, he's my confidant. He's my everything that I thought I ever needed or wanted in a friend. Up until recently, I had never told him a lie. I had never kept anything from him. But I made a bad decision and decided that withholding the truth wasn't exactly a lie.

Our relationship has been strained in the past months. It has been strained by a question that has not had a conclusive answer. It has been strained because I didn't feel like he should bear the weight of what was going through my mind. So I dressed a lot of my writing in different clothes. I pretended that things that I could care less about were important.

I decided on Thursday that I didn't want to do that anymore. I didn't want to hide behind my words. I didn't want to, but even when I talked to him I still did. I talked to him, but I didn't tell him that 20 of those 25 posts was all about what's been going through my mind concerning him. I talked to him, but he still hasn't read "That Girl". I talked to him, but I hadn't stopped hiding behind it all until right now. He is my best friend. He is the beginning and end of many of life's pressing thoughts. That's about all I plan to say about this. Charles, I hope you're happy now.

When Baking Won't Work....

I turn to the only other thing that brings me relief from my thoughts. I can't take much more of the thoughts running through my mind. I wonder what it means when he asks me how I feel. I wonder what it means when he tells me how special I am. I wonder what any of it could possibly mean. I wonder, but there are never any answers. There are always more questions.

Why would he make a life altering decision just because? Why does it still even matter to me? Why am I such a horrid person for even having thoughts about him? In the morning, I think of him. He's with me all day. I take him to work. He is a part of my every conversation though he is never mentioned. I am completely taken by him. I want to know what it means. I want to know what it's all for. Is he or isn't he?

I am so overwhelmed by feelings that are older than me, stronger than me, and so confusing to me. He's the first boy I ever loved. And the girl that he knew doesn't even exist. But the one that's here right now can't do anything except think of him and wonder what happens now.