Full Moon

I always wondered about the validity of strange things happening when there is a full moon. Right now I'm so utterly and completely confused that the full moon is the only thing I can blame it on.

I have been trying to put silence into practice this week. Not silence in the sense of completely not talking, but silence in the sense of not talking about certain things. It is going so well, but right now I feel like I'm being bombarded with....choices. All of the choices represent something I wanted at one point or the other. I just feel like it's all kind of random and bitter sweet. The choice that has me writing this at 1AM is something I hoped for, dreamed about, envisioned. The problem is the timing and the presentation. What I wouldn't give for this to have been 6 months ago. It is exhausting me even as I type. The list of pros and cons is neck and neck and I just don't know which way to go with this. Typing was supposed to clear my head, but it is making it spin a little more.

The most pressing thought that I'm having is what should I call this today? A few of my thoughts are silence is golden, please shut up, and why me? All of those would be fitting, but they would also require too much of an explanation. I can see it now. She thinks I'm referencing her inability to just mind her own business. This one thinks maybe her lame comment went too far. He sees everything in the universe as being about him and the rest...truly those would be the ones those titles were meant for. I just want a moment to vent. I want to vent about how on earth things are peachy one moment and the next they are just blah. How is it that my life is so topsy freaking turvy? Last night I sat up trying to remind myself that no matter what tangibly goes wrong, I am still in the center of God's will. That particular conversation fell on semi deaf ears because I know it, but right now I'm just not feeling it. Right now I'm sick of looking at white walls and nothing. Right now I just wish I was at home (Bradenton) where I didn't have to sit in a stupid hot house without air conditioning.... Actually, I did for a while there, but even that was not like this. I am over not having furniture. I am over 10 months on a stupid air mattress. I am over working in a stupid career and not being able to afford my own dinner when I go out with friends. I am over living from check to stupid check. I can't go anywhere that I want. I can't do anything without people paying for me or giving me gas money. I am just sick and tired of all of it. That is all.

Please do not respond to this message via email, fb, call, or text. I don't really have a positive thing to say about it right now. I just needed to get it out.

King David

I have been reading the bible stories about King David. I always thought that King David was interesting, but I never really felt like I identified with him at all. I remember wondering how he could be so loved by God. I only understood him in terms of being an adulterer and a murderer. I am so thankful that my reading lead me to see what all the fuss was about. King David was a murderer. King David was an adulterer. But King David never allowed his sin to keep him separated from God. He loved the Lord so much that he was quick to repentance and always had a praise before him. He loved the Lord more than the things of this world and that is a part of why he was so loved by God. King David's story touched me anew as I was reading. It reminded me of God's love. God's desire is that all turn to Him. He wants to forgive us in spite of whatever wrongs we purpose in our hearts. That is so comforting and so wonderful.

There are no sides

I had a conversation with one of my best friends about how people have been choosing sides. Well, there are no sides. I am all by myself. I don't feel like that is some great tragedy. I am sad about it of course, but I just need people to back off. I don't need the great girl speech. I don't need the it will be alright talk. Eventually someone will choose me. I guess now just isn't my time.

Secrets

I already know that this is going to be a difficult post because I'm at my sister's house and I am surrounded by my nieces laughter. Their laughter is supposed to be like this sweet serum, but is like a knife cutting through to my heart. I love them, but it... I won't ever be able to have what my sister has. I won't be able to have what so many of you have and right now it's all too much to even imagine.

I feel like I'm so tired. I'm so tired of the bad things that just keep happening. I understand this to be one of those things. It is one of those things where I could have done something or not to change the outcome, but now it's too late for all of that and there are just an endless sea of tears. There are tears that don't have a beginning or an end. I wish I didn't have to do this by myself. But last year I made a decision to never talk about it with anyone except him. Last year I made a decision to just somehow deal with it and to this point I have. Up until today it has been just one of those things that the doctor said. But today I woke up and I knew it was a little more than just what she said. It is something that I have to accept. I just wish I didn't have to do it by myself.

I Am Whatever You Say I Am

The Devil Is Busy

This morning I came to work excited about the end of another work week. I had a song in my head and it seemed all was well. I opened my email for another attack. In the past couple of days I've been called a horrible person, uncaring, waste of space, you name it. This morning the parent of one of my students took it a bit farther. Every single word in this wonderful email was either lie or threat and I sat there just dumb founded. I didn't know what to say or do. I didn't know where it would even originate from. Her child is a straight A student. Her child is in my mentoring group. Her child has called and texted me at all hours of the day and night, but before many of you even thought of breakfast the mother made me feel like getting my purse and walking off my job.

As a teacher, this has been my lowest week. I've wanted to just leave so many times. I was told yesterday, "You are an adult. Brush it off." How does one stand on the front line day after day and do that? This morning when stunned turned to tears I started to sing a song. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. It is a simple verse, a comforting scripture. The tears didn't immediately stop, but I was comforted. I remembered also my favorite favorite scripture "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." (NIV version)

I know that I am being tried and tested for my good. I just ask that you all pray for me. It is getting harder to just stand.