I Remember

I woke up yesterday and went through some of my old Facebook posts. I'm not certain what prompted me to do this, but it did make for interesting reading. One post in particular was all about a fight I had with someone that I was so in love with. The post itself was a little heart breaking. The tears and the complete sense of loss that I felt were all staring at me, being given new life as I read the words. I was amazed at how raw my words were. I was even more amazed by the feeling that I had as I read it. I was reading about the pain. Yet, what I remembered was all the love. (If you're reading this and I didn't text you about it, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!) My exes tend to be a little vain:) Choosing to start off with that was as deliberate as it is random. My words always have purpose. They always work to get me somewhere. I am keenly aware that they also hide me. I write to purge what I'm feeling. I write to make sense of what I'm feeling. I write often to stop feeling. I want that to be what happens to me now. I want to stop feeling or at least I want to stop being aware of what I'm feeling. (SIGH).... For starters, I didn't start writing this because I remembered an old relationship. I started writing this because I can't focus on my homework, going to the gym didn't help, I'm all out of Blue Bell, and I just didn't want to try to talk about it. I can't imagine what I would say. Would it matter if I started at the beginning? (Wherever that is.) Would anyone know how to separate what's really hurting me from the things I randomly say? Probably not.... So I found myself sitting and writing. I can tell you the feeling hasn't stopped. Adayinthelife

Did I say "never look back"?

Well, I think what I should have said was never look back unless it helps you to appreciate what's in front of you. I had the privilege of wandering down memory lane yesterday. I drove through streets that have long been in need of upkeep. My trip was reminiscent of a Sunday afternoon stroll through the park. Memories wafted through my head like careless butterflies. I remembered what was once long forgotten. Each new picture thrilled me. The orange polo shirt that brought out the deep chocolate of my skin. The purple jump suit that was really neither purple or a jump suit. The grey & black striped skirt paired with my favorite pumps... All of these images drifting through my mind creating a picture. Before I knew it though the images were shifting. I saw a lavender shirt paired with faded jeans, a grey striped dress purchased on a whim, and a stark white towel that had somehow been transformed into a dress. My memories both the old and the not so old were transforming and teaching me. I was uncertain what would happen if I allowed myself to remember. But the part of me that longs to not forget is the same part that has simply moved on. I don't have to wonder how I look in red short shorts, cowgirl tees, or cream Kors sweaters.... Adayinthelife:)

Never Look Back

The theme of this summer can be summed up in three words. Never look back. I've been trying for weeks to get this done, but writing this has been a bit of a strain for me. The past few days have just been one blob of time sandwiched together. But here I am and here we go. So much can be said about my going "home". Home is a word that is used to describe the place of your familiar. It is the place where you grow and love. It is the place where you live. It is for me an evolving concept. Last year, I went "home" to Bradenton. This year, I went to Bradenton to visit. I didn't feel like I was returning home. I felt like I was stopping over in this place where my heart used to be. I was reinvigorated in Bradenton. I was loved on by my family and friends. It was for once a totally satisfying experience. But, it was no longer home. I stepped outside of my norms and realized familiar was no longer my comfort zone. I went through each day sharing time with people who helped shape where I was then. They also helped me to be ok with where I am now. I'm in a new place physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I must admit that it isn't anything like what I imagined. I've navigated through being frustrated, disappointed, and alone. That's way more than I expected for week one. Even now, as I'm finally writing this, I am trying to see past the moment. I'm trying to see past drawing parallels between my old and my new home. The comparisons are both few and endless. The thing that has me right now is the sound of my dad's voice. I am a little girl again. I hear him telling me first one thing and then the next. I believe him because he is my dad. He is my #1 and I love him. The thing is he's lying. He's telling me words that sound good but will go unfufilled. Each time he does it, I hope more....but I never had a chance to cry any less. I want to silence the memory that has invaded my mind and invaded this post. I want to write about how this summer I came into my own. I want to write about how this summer I cleaned house and turned away from what was holding me back. Each time I try to refocus, I hear the same thing. Only this time I'm not looking back.

The Truth is I'm...

The truth is I'm a heterosexual. I am and always have been. I haven't previously felt the need to openly say this, but recent events have made me feel compelled to tell the world. I am a heterosexual. I know that my declaring this may cause a scandal. I know that my personal life will now be looked at with far more scrutiny. I could not sit by a moment longer and say nothing. I could not keep quiet while fellow heterosexuals are being bullied and persecuted because of the way God made them. I had to stand up and speak for those who are afraid or ashamed. I had to give voice to the voiceless. I am a heterosexual and I hope that you are all accepting of that.

Adayinthelife :-)

Five

The jukebox in my head is playing 50 Cent. "Hate it or love it the underdog's on top...." It's also playing Eminem "I am whatever you say I am. If I wasn't then why would I say I am?" A cloudy Sunday afternoon with a head full of slightly old rap music. It's what happens to me sometimes. I reexamine a decision and my mind creates a play list.... a mini soundtrack. Right now I'm hating the decision and the soundtrack. The songs are defiant, but my action was cowardly. I placed myself in an impossible position and made a life altering decision out of fear. Many think it was fear of failure, when truly what was haunting me was the fear of success. What would have happened if I walked boldly, held my head high, and declared with God I can do this? What would have happened had I allowed God to see me through to His end? These questions are rattling around up there right along with Eminem and 50.... I am left with the reality that there is no going back. There is no taking back what I said or what I did. There is a little reflection. A bit more growth and the hope that I can at least better shape tomorrows play list.

Should I Go?

While driving up I10 today, I had an opportunity to listen to some of my favorite songs. Usually, that is a good thing. Today it had an effect. I'm still trying to process if it was a good one. One of the lines that stood out was on a Brandy song "should I go? Should I stay? I'm in control either way." Brandy was singing about her decision to rejoin the music industry. I was thinking along far more personal lines. She and I rode out to that song. She and I seem to always arrive at the same place. She's embarking on a tour in support of her new album. I'm less than a day away from the interview that opens the door to a whole new life. I want to be able to embrace all of what this change brings. I have moments when I think about it and I am fearless. I feel like David when he faced Goliath. There's a giant in front of me, but by God it has to fall down. I love those moments. I feel God moving in me. There are also those moments when I feel like the children of Israel. I see the promise, but I hear the negative report. In these moments I am thankful for hindsight. They didn't know it, but because of their story I am assured that even in those moments God is still with me. He wants me to go into the promised land. He wants to honor the word that He gave me. It is amazing to me the things that remind me that God is with me. This morning God used Brandy....."should I go? Should I stay? I'm in control either way." Thank God for that.

Praise Report

Praise report: I had a back injury that caused me to miss a significant amount of work in December. I was very anxious about how my pay would be affected because during my time at home I exhausted all of my paid leave.

In November, I took on some additional responsibility at school. I knew that this would help, but I didn't have a clear picture of how. I received my pay on Tuesday. After they were done adding and subtracting money, I only lost $1! I was stunned, though I shouldn't have been because that's just how God works. He has it all taken care of. The lesson I was reminded of was don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself. :)