A few things that must happen if you are to stand in the gap.
1. Produce the fruit of the righteousness of God.
2. You must lay some things aside. You can't have one foot in the world and one in the church. You have to leave some things at the door.
3. Receive the word. God will fill whatever you empty. He can only fill those things that are yielded to Him. Receive with meekness.
4. You must be doers of the word. Let God change your heart.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Thoughts
Today I spent the day with my niece. It was a little bit of retail therapy for her. It was therapeutic for me, but certainly for different reasons. She is a puzzling creature. She is so full of potential, but she'd rather just sit around and watch life pass her by. She is only 15 but she is already so much like many people I know. She is also me at times.
I enjoyed being with her because I was able to stop thinking about the art of being together. I've had several conversations and way too many thoughts about togetherness this week. I haven't quite figured out how to put it in a way that translates into my blog. It's like I have been dissecting my relationships. No, I'm not dissecting my male/female relationships. I'm dissecting the family dynamic, my friendships, and my acquaintances.
I feel like I'm in a good place with things I just keep remembering how things started and how some other things ended. I don't have regrets about anything. I guess its kinda like nostalgia. I can see the beginning. I can see so many things in between. It is like the memories are coming from everywhere. I don't really understand what the thoughts are all about.
I guess it could be about perspective. I have a lot of great friends, but then there are also a lot of people that I've invested in with no return. Or I invested and they just flaked out somewhere along the line. It is puzzling to me.
I enjoyed being with her because I was able to stop thinking about the art of being together. I've had several conversations and way too many thoughts about togetherness this week. I haven't quite figured out how to put it in a way that translates into my blog. It's like I have been dissecting my relationships. No, I'm not dissecting my male/female relationships. I'm dissecting the family dynamic, my friendships, and my acquaintances.
I feel like I'm in a good place with things I just keep remembering how things started and how some other things ended. I don't have regrets about anything. I guess its kinda like nostalgia. I can see the beginning. I can see so many things in between. It is like the memories are coming from everywhere. I don't really understand what the thoughts are all about.
I guess it could be about perspective. I have a lot of great friends, but then there are also a lot of people that I've invested in with no return. Or I invested and they just flaked out somewhere along the line. It is puzzling to me.
Friday, March 6, 2009
When Faced With A Difficult Decision
When faced with a difficult decision the first thing you should do is run away to the Bahamas! I had a great time this week. It was in so many ways just what the doctor ordered. I was able to eat massive amounts of food, sleep in the sun, and meet a bunch of crazy people. The fact that I had a friend with me was a bonus. We hung out, but not in the cling on way that it would have been if we were a couple. He was there for me, but he was totally free to roam and do whatever....and he did, but that's his business so I won't tell it.
Anyway, the day before my trip was really heart wrenching and emotionally draining. I woke up knowing that something was up. It happens like that with me quite a bit. I pay close attention if it happens on a church day. Typically it means that God has something just for me. This past Sunday was one of those days. I arrived at church and made the mistake of sitting too close to gossip row. It was an honest mistake. I really just wanted to be close to Jessica. She and I were less than 24 hours from celebrating our birthdays and hey I love Jessica so that is reason enough. The problem is my teacher ears were on fine tune and I heard every word of certain people's conversations. It annoyed me to know end and before I knew it I was thinking I should have just stayed home because soon I will not be here anyway. I had a little pain in my heart with that thought, but they were on my last nerve.
It all began to take shape for me when my pastor had his son and daughter sing this song. It's an old song by James Cleveland called "I Walk With God". They did an awesome job of singing the devil right out of my spirit. The song touched me in a way that doesn't happen all the time. I had goosebumps and it was like God was preparing me. Had I known that I would hear a word that would lead to me calling first the assistant pastor and then the pastor in a fit of tears, I might have gotten up and left right then. Not because the outcome was unfavorable, but because I was overwhelmed with grief.
Every word in the sermon that followed the song, struck something inside of me. I was angry when it was over because I knew then that I was faced with a difficult decision. I knew that Atlanta was not the move I was supposed to be making. I knew, but I was in an absolute panic and all of the things that I'd held in since I decided to go came rushing to the forefront. When it was over, I had said some really mean things to my sister and been comforted by the truth from a friend. Luckily for me my sister knows that I go into all out rebel mode when I don't really want to accept something and she loves me so all was forgiven. But there was still the matter of Atlanta.
The whole time I was on my trip I kept hearing Tsadok singing "for the key to my success is that I walk with God". All week I heard that. I heard it during breakfast. I heard it while I was walking along the deck admiring beauty of the ocean. I heard it as I walked along the streets in Nassau. I even heard it in my sleep. I have not been able to escape it. It is only now that I am realizing the difficulty in staying isn't about the fact that I sold or gave away EVERYTHING. It's not about the fact that all of my clothes and mementos are safely at my uncle's house awaiting my return. The difficulty is accepting that I'm not in control. I made a decision, but I was never in control. Walking with God isn't about me taking the lead. It's about being willing to follow Him through whatever the journey is.
I had to sell my stuff. I had to do all of it to get to this point. I have no idea what happens next. I don't know where I'm going to live and I still don't have a job. What I do have is a leader who I am willing to follow.
Anyway, the day before my trip was really heart wrenching and emotionally draining. I woke up knowing that something was up. It happens like that with me quite a bit. I pay close attention if it happens on a church day. Typically it means that God has something just for me. This past Sunday was one of those days. I arrived at church and made the mistake of sitting too close to gossip row. It was an honest mistake. I really just wanted to be close to Jessica. She and I were less than 24 hours from celebrating our birthdays and hey I love Jessica so that is reason enough. The problem is my teacher ears were on fine tune and I heard every word of certain people's conversations. It annoyed me to know end and before I knew it I was thinking I should have just stayed home because soon I will not be here anyway. I had a little pain in my heart with that thought, but they were on my last nerve.
It all began to take shape for me when my pastor had his son and daughter sing this song. It's an old song by James Cleveland called "I Walk With God". They did an awesome job of singing the devil right out of my spirit. The song touched me in a way that doesn't happen all the time. I had goosebumps and it was like God was preparing me. Had I known that I would hear a word that would lead to me calling first the assistant pastor and then the pastor in a fit of tears, I might have gotten up and left right then. Not because the outcome was unfavorable, but because I was overwhelmed with grief.
Every word in the sermon that followed the song, struck something inside of me. I was angry when it was over because I knew then that I was faced with a difficult decision. I knew that Atlanta was not the move I was supposed to be making. I knew, but I was in an absolute panic and all of the things that I'd held in since I decided to go came rushing to the forefront. When it was over, I had said some really mean things to my sister and been comforted by the truth from a friend. Luckily for me my sister knows that I go into all out rebel mode when I don't really want to accept something and she loves me so all was forgiven. But there was still the matter of Atlanta.
The whole time I was on my trip I kept hearing Tsadok singing "for the key to my success is that I walk with God". All week I heard that. I heard it during breakfast. I heard it while I was walking along the deck admiring beauty of the ocean. I heard it as I walked along the streets in Nassau. I even heard it in my sleep. I have not been able to escape it. It is only now that I am realizing the difficulty in staying isn't about the fact that I sold or gave away EVERYTHING. It's not about the fact that all of my clothes and mementos are safely at my uncle's house awaiting my return. The difficulty is accepting that I'm not in control. I made a decision, but I was never in control. Walking with God isn't about me taking the lead. It's about being willing to follow Him through whatever the journey is.
I had to sell my stuff. I had to do all of it to get to this point. I have no idea what happens next. I don't know where I'm going to live and I still don't have a job. What I do have is a leader who I am willing to follow.
Monday, February 23, 2009
See the Possibilities 2
Ok, so let me clear this up quickly. "Dumped" is just a word. It doesn't mean anything more than what one individual feels that it means. The short version of it is:
1. I met a great guy.
2. We hung out and seemed to enjoy each other's company.
3. We had a difference of opinion.
4. He didn't want to be bothered anymore.
5. I still think he's a great guy.
Now that that's out of the way.... people should understand that in every situation there is something to be learned and potentially something to be lost. I don't feel like I lost anything. I feel like I learned a little more about my likes and dislikes. The most important thing that I learned was to trust my instincts.
Like all things in my life this was made far easier because I have the greatest friends in the world. My friends don't sit back and watch. They spring into action. My birthday cruise was almost a disaster, but it was salvaged in 3 short hours. I can admit that I had a very high level of anxiety about what would happen. Would I end up on a cruise all alone? Would I end up on a cruise with someone who (great or not) had nothing to say to me? What was my great adventure turning into? How on earth did I get myself into this mess in the first place? Before I even had time to go into full on psycho panic mode, I decided to see who would answer the call. It seemed like mission impossible. What is the likelihood of finding someone who can take a week off their job with one week's notice? I kept receiving decline after decline (or in some cases silence due to the wonderful world of cellphones). It seemed like a lost cause until just like that it wasn't.
I found myself sitting in my friend's apartment with 20 minutes to spare. He was my last hope. That's a little bit hilarious because in so many ways he has always been my first choice. Anyhow, he let me sweat it out for 11 whole minutes before he gave the word and said make the call. I wanted to hug him or kiss him or something besides just jump up and start dialing the travel agent. I wanted to, but I didn't because he's my friend. I love that and I love him. It's just in that moment I saw the possibility that has sat before us before and will no doubt creep its way in again. He is the fulfillment of a possibility that was presented to me in a time when I didn't know who I was or where I was going. I don't know what else to say about that so I won't say anything at all.
1. I met a great guy.
2. We hung out and seemed to enjoy each other's company.
3. We had a difference of opinion.
4. He didn't want to be bothered anymore.
5. I still think he's a great guy.
Now that that's out of the way.... people should understand that in every situation there is something to be learned and potentially something to be lost. I don't feel like I lost anything. I feel like I learned a little more about my likes and dislikes. The most important thing that I learned was to trust my instincts.
Like all things in my life this was made far easier because I have the greatest friends in the world. My friends don't sit back and watch. They spring into action. My birthday cruise was almost a disaster, but it was salvaged in 3 short hours. I can admit that I had a very high level of anxiety about what would happen. Would I end up on a cruise all alone? Would I end up on a cruise with someone who (great or not) had nothing to say to me? What was my great adventure turning into? How on earth did I get myself into this mess in the first place? Before I even had time to go into full on psycho panic mode, I decided to see who would answer the call. It seemed like mission impossible. What is the likelihood of finding someone who can take a week off their job with one week's notice? I kept receiving decline after decline (or in some cases silence due to the wonderful world of cellphones). It seemed like a lost cause until just like that it wasn't.
I found myself sitting in my friend's apartment with 20 minutes to spare. He was my last hope. That's a little bit hilarious because in so many ways he has always been my first choice. Anyhow, he let me sweat it out for 11 whole minutes before he gave the word and said make the call. I wanted to hug him or kiss him or something besides just jump up and start dialing the travel agent. I wanted to, but I didn't because he's my friend. I love that and I love him. It's just in that moment I saw the possibility that has sat before us before and will no doubt creep its way in again. He is the fulfillment of a possibility that was presented to me in a time when I didn't know who I was or where I was going. I don't know what else to say about that so I won't say anything at all.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
If I Was Yours and You Were Mine
The past few days have been an absolute roller coaster emotionally. I haven't been able to process it all, but I'm trying. I keep thinking about what it feels like to be a part of something that is bigger than just you. When it works it's the most comforting feeling in the world. When it doesn't it's like wide open space....nothing is measurable...nothing is enough.
Last night I saw both the promise and the pain flash before me. There was nothing I could do. No way to explain. I was there, but not in the moment. I was surrounded by the sound of what was, while listening to the voice of what could be. There was nothing I could do and really there was nothing I wanted to do. Maybe, I wanted to put it on pause. Stop the voices. No, I'm not talking about hearing voices. It was a déjà vu moment. A comment triggered something that had happened just as it was happening then and I was stuck in the worse kind of paradox.
Driving around lost in the middle of the night only made the whole thing worse. I kept thinking if I were yours, this wouldn't' be happening. If I was the one you saw when you fell asleep or when you lie awake.....If I was the one who held your heart.....if, if, if. No resolution. I found that being lost could serve as a metaphor for the whole thing. I knew where I needed to go, but I made one wrong turn and then I didn't know how to get there or why it was even supposed to matter anymore.
I made one wrong turn and now I'm sitting here on this blog that I neglect trying to rewrite an ending that I never saw coming and have regretted every since. What would've happened if I'd stayed? What would've happened if I never took the wrong turn in the road? What will happen if I really am yours and you really are mine?
Last night I saw both the promise and the pain flash before me. There was nothing I could do. No way to explain. I was there, but not in the moment. I was surrounded by the sound of what was, while listening to the voice of what could be. There was nothing I could do and really there was nothing I wanted to do. Maybe, I wanted to put it on pause. Stop the voices. No, I'm not talking about hearing voices. It was a déjà vu moment. A comment triggered something that had happened just as it was happening then and I was stuck in the worse kind of paradox.
Driving around lost in the middle of the night only made the whole thing worse. I kept thinking if I were yours, this wouldn't' be happening. If I was the one you saw when you fell asleep or when you lie awake.....If I was the one who held your heart.....if, if, if. No resolution. I found that being lost could serve as a metaphor for the whole thing. I knew where I needed to go, but I made one wrong turn and then I didn't know how to get there or why it was even supposed to matter anymore.
I made one wrong turn and now I'm sitting here on this blog that I neglect trying to rewrite an ending that I never saw coming and have regretted every since. What would've happened if I'd stayed? What would've happened if I never took the wrong turn in the road? What will happen if I really am yours and you really are mine?
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Change Has Come
I'm moving to Atlanta and I'm sure this comes as a shock to some people. There is no easy way to explain what happened, but since someone told me they are still working on a BA, I will try not to be too deep.
In October I started feeling like I couldn't take the sitting around looking for a job anymore. I started feeling like everything was closing in on me. The bills were mounting and I didn't know what to do except pray. I kept asking God what to do and where to turn. I didn't get the answers that I felt like I wanted, but He kept showing me that He was going to take care of everything no matter how bad it seemed.
I kept feeling like I should move away for a while, but in my head I kept feeling like if I left I would be abandoning my church. I love my church. It is the place that God decided to heal me. It is the place that He has been teaching me how to live and how to love. People kept saying to me "there are churches everywhere". Those people don't understand Westcoast. It is more than a building. It is more than singing, and fellowship. It is my home. As a child, God introduced me to salvation. But what I have now is something different. It is more than I ever thought. I couldn't bear the thought of losing what I had so recently found.
Recently, I had lunch with my dear friend and mentor. God used her to set aside my fears. Again, it was not the answer that I sought, but I know that he was saying it was ok for me to go. I am extremely sad and excited all at once. I am faced with uncertainty even as I am sure of my decision. I have more to say, but sadness is winning the battle so until next time.
In October I started feeling like I couldn't take the sitting around looking for a job anymore. I started feeling like everything was closing in on me. The bills were mounting and I didn't know what to do except pray. I kept asking God what to do and where to turn. I didn't get the answers that I felt like I wanted, but He kept showing me that He was going to take care of everything no matter how bad it seemed.
I kept feeling like I should move away for a while, but in my head I kept feeling like if I left I would be abandoning my church. I love my church. It is the place that God decided to heal me. It is the place that He has been teaching me how to live and how to love. People kept saying to me "there are churches everywhere". Those people don't understand Westcoast. It is more than a building. It is more than singing, and fellowship. It is my home. As a child, God introduced me to salvation. But what I have now is something different. It is more than I ever thought. I couldn't bear the thought of losing what I had so recently found.
Recently, I had lunch with my dear friend and mentor. God used her to set aside my fears. Again, it was not the answer that I sought, but I know that he was saying it was ok for me to go. I am extremely sad and excited all at once. I am faced with uncertainty even as I am sure of my decision. I have more to say, but sadness is winning the battle so until next time.
Monday, January 19, 2009
See the Possibilities
I don't know quite where to start. I am feeling a little tired, but I've been thinking for the past few days about where I am in my life and where I stand with some people. I have the best friends that ANYONE could ever hope for. One of them is responsible for my present calm. In case you didn't know, I love Marcie Ryan. Marcie is the kind of person who few people appreciate in the right way.
I met Marcie in homeroom class in the 9th grade. Nothing that happened then prepared me for the way I feel about her now. I remember thinking that she was so upbeat all the time. I often wondered why this was. I think in a way I thought she had no problems. The truth is she has problems just like everybody else. She's suffered loss and unbelievable heartache. But, she's so strong and she's such a fighter. She takes her licks and gets right back up to do it all again just because she believes that there is something good in this world just for her.
I love her and she doesn't know it, but she's helped me to be a better person. She's helped me to step outside of myself and see possibilities where I thought there were none. I can't think of the right words to really express what it is that she does for my spirit. I just felt like the world should know that she is someone special.....and not because her actions facilitated one of my best weekends in a long time (wink, wink) but because she's always there loving me and being the piece in my life that so many long to have.
I met Marcie in homeroom class in the 9th grade. Nothing that happened then prepared me for the way I feel about her now. I remember thinking that she was so upbeat all the time. I often wondered why this was. I think in a way I thought she had no problems. The truth is she has problems just like everybody else. She's suffered loss and unbelievable heartache. But, she's so strong and she's such a fighter. She takes her licks and gets right back up to do it all again just because she believes that there is something good in this world just for her.
I love her and she doesn't know it, but she's helped me to be a better person. She's helped me to step outside of myself and see possibilities where I thought there were none. I can't think of the right words to really express what it is that she does for my spirit. I just felt like the world should know that she is someone special.....and not because her actions facilitated one of my best weekends in a long time (wink, wink) but because she's always there loving me and being the piece in my life that so many long to have.
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