This morning is weird for me. I'm out of town and I opted not to push myself to make it home for church. I opted to just kind of see where the day takes me. It is odd not being in service because I love church. I love the music, the fellowship, the word. On this Sunday, I am in a different space and while I could have gone here, I knew it wouldn't quite be the same.
Last night I realized just how much is at stake and just how much I'm in a place of peace about all of it. I never felt like my life was hanging in the balance. I never felt like one decision would be enough to completely change the course of it all. I feel like that now, but instead of panic or despair I have peace.
Peace is honestly not what I wanted. I wanted to feel a sense of urgency. I wanted to feel like it all rested with me. I wanted to feel like I had control. It's hard to imagine not having those things and still feeling like I'm ok. Somehow I am and there are moments of sadness. There are moments where I just want to scream. There are moments when I'm completely overwhelmed and I cry and wonder. I have learned to appreciate those moments. Those moments help me just as much as being at peace does. In those moments, I am vulnerable. In those moments, I am hopeful. In those moments, I appreciate just how much we've already made it through.
