Christmas 2012

I'm sitting down to recap my Christmas holiday in Florida and all I hear is Usher singing " you got it you got it bad". That partially is because I just watched Behind the Music and partially because I do have it bad. When you are in love, it colors every decision, conversation, and thought. I am in love, but this is supposed to be about Florida. Lol! I spent 2 weeks in Florida. I can honestly say it was time well spent because I learned so many things. I learned to see the value in every experience. I arrived in Bradenton and went almost immediately to a funeral. I didn't want to go. I went because I felt compelled to. Being there brought back long silenced hurts and love that lay dormant. It was bitter with just the right kind of sweet. We laughed, talked, and remembered who we were to each other. The days after brought me face to face with 2 age old truths. 1. There is nothing like family. 2. Everybody is not your friend. Family I cherish every moment spent hanging out with my family. But, my sisters were a constant source of happiness over the time spent at home. It began in Tallahassee with Nikita and ended back in Tallahassee with Camille. Some will wonder when I got a sister named Camille. I won't know what to tell them except when I hugged her I wasn't hugging my friend anymore. In that moment, I knew her heart was knit to mine forever and I am fine with that. Jessica will say that we didn't get one on one time. She is right. She discounts what sitting next to her at the Love Campaign meant to me. She doesn't understand how just to see her smile across the table at "nasty lobster" :-) made my day. Jessica thinks that I've abandoned her. The truth is she is with me everyday. It isn't just Jessica. It is Bridget and Vanessa...Pretty Nikki too. I never imagined having so much fun with the one I hadn't quite bonded with. It is no secret she & I are polar opposites. But since leaving, she is the one I'm missing most. I smile when I look at the pictures of her outposing me the resident picture queen. Seeing Keyonce starting over ( thank you Lord) while being wooed by Keith Sweat was as satisfying as running breathless down the beach trying to avoid the rain. My sisters were a part of every moment. The joyous conversation with Hope gave balance to the raw moments with Jaime & Ramese. The endless laughter with Vanessa coupled with a decision that I know was very difficult for Chris to make. I can honestly say I experienced every emotion with my sisters on this trip. Friends I learned how to say goodbye without saying those words. Watching a 2 decades old friendship change shape before my eyes was so much easier than I imagined. I thought there would be a period of transition, but as I listened to him I realized that the transition had already taken place. All that was before me was my friend and that really touched me. I was going to lament about the frustration caused by a would be friend.... I don't think there's any need. I meet people and I see the good in them. I thought that was becoming a character flaw, but how could it be? I was made to love. What could be wrong with that? And right on cue I just got a call from my El-Shaddai. He technically wasn't in Florida. Nigeria is a world away. But, he travelled with me in my heart, my head, & of course he was there thanks to the wonders of modern technology. We have just had a great talk which I will admit changes my thought process in away that right now all I can do is end...until next time. Adayinthelife :-)

These Are My Confessions....The Girl I Was

Friends, I need your help. This is a serious inquiry to you from me. How can I rewrite my past like the people on Facebook, Twitter, and reality T.V. ? How can I erase the time when I cheated or the time when I lied? How can I begin to erase prom night (Mese???) I couldn't even if I tried. Can you explain how to get rid of the guys that I didn't really like? Or what about the time I served that drink & pretended I didn't know it was spiked? Facebook, I need you. Please help me. Won't you? Cause the more I think about it senior year could have been called "Mean Girls part 2". I bullied. I taunted. I punked girls twice my size. And yes dear friends, it was all for attention from guys. What can I say? I was a teenager. Isn't that what I was supposed to do? At least when I said "I love you", my words were true. But, back to the thing that's on my mind. Help me to rewrite it y'all. I've really been trying. I've said my apologies. I've covered them all. I even accepted the fact that I still have some faults. But my dear friends, I want to escape it... the good and the bad The endless array of mistakes that I wish I never had So tell me just one thing that you think I can do to erase the remnants of all I went through. C.Brooks for Sunday Morning Breakfast 12/5/12

The Master Builder

"Who is the master builder?" I've sat with what I might say about being under construction for a few weeks now. The popular saying "God is not through with me yet" has toyed with my mind on and off for the duration of this time. "God is not through with me...I have to get my anger under control. God is not through with me....I need to stop cursing. God is not through with me...I have to stop drinking. God is not through with me....I have to find a way to leave this married man alone." Everyone one of these statements sounds like a good plan. I need to stop being angry. I need to stop cursing. I need to stop drinking. I need to leave this married man alone. But I have to challenge these statements with a question. Who's the master builder is it me or is it God? Who is the master builder? The bible says in Psalm 127, Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it.... Hmmm... Except the Lord build the house... Does that mean that I am not the one who needs to do this? Am I not the one to control my temper, my mouth, my thirst, my lust? Except the Lord build a house...... So these habits I've developed of apologizing when I'm not sorry, thinking the curse word instead of verbalizing it, drinking wine coolers instead of vodka, sleeping with my boyfriend instead of my married man....you mean to tell me changing my habits doesn't end this? I thought that if I said "God forgive me I'm working on it", I would be ok. I thought if I said "Lord you know that this sounds good, tastes good, feels good, Is good", that I wouldn't have to worry. I acknowledged God didn't I? I gave Him His props. So what I didn't allow Him to change my heart and word my mouth. So what I didn't allow Him to quench my thirst. So what I didn't allow Him to be my lover. I acknowledged Him. Doesn't the bible say in all thy ways acknowledge Him? I know that I heard that somewhere. What is the problem exactly? I knew these things were wrong so I fixed them. I took control. I got it together. I'm living a better life. People tell me so all the time. Where's my bible? Here it is.... Let me see, where's that verse? It has to be here somewhere.... Got it. Proverbs 3:6.... Oh no, that's not what I've been doing. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. So God is the master builder? Wow! I missed that. I hope you ate well today. C. Brooks for Sunday Morning Breakfast 11/30/2012

"Part Time Lover" Part 1

The bible says in Matthew 15 that its not what goes into a man's mouth, but that which comes out that defiles him. This is an interesting scripture to me because it is often only read in terms of food. While it is true that food was a reference point, so were words. We defile ourselves by the empty words that we spit at God. We say: Lord I love you. Lord I place no one above you. I say yes to your will Lord. Yes. There's nobody greater than you. I will lay down my life for the word. My life is not my own to you I belong.   All of these are words that we've uttered in prayers and in song. All of these are words that feel good and sound good. They are also nothing more than the pillow talk of an uncommitted lover. All of these are beautiful words that have defiled us. Too often when we say them what we truly mean is: Lord I love you because of what you do for me. Lord I place no one above you unless my man calls and he needs me...you know he don't like it if I keep him waiting. I say yes to your will Lord now let me tell you how I need my life to go so you and I can be on the same page. There's nobody greater than you Lord so I know you gone bless me with the house, husband, and kids that I want. I will lay down my life for the word, but I can't go up on my job talking bout the bible and all that Jesus stuff. Boss man don't play like that. And my all time personal favorite.  My life is not my own to you I belong....oh Jesus, yes baby its all yours. Mmm you got to be the one I aint never had it like this.   What type of foolishness is this? What have we become when our words, what could be our love letters to God are turned into trifling missives that destroy us because they lack sincerity and a fundamental reverence for God? We are defiled because of what comes out of us. We are defiled because of what comes out of us? Shouldn't that fact direct us to spend more time allowing God to pour into us so that what comes out of us sounds truly like a melody to His ear? To sing melodies and stop defiling ourselves with half truths we must feast daily on the word allowing it to be breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We must sit with it and allow it to digest properly before exercising our lips. In doing this we will avoid the pain that comes from working out too soon after eating or in this case we will avoid defiling ourselves by spitting up our words all over a spotless God. I hope you ate well.   C.Brooks for Sunday Morning Breakfast 11/15/12

Bobble Heads

"Bobble Heads" The voices in the crowd don't always have to be heard. Some of these voiceless mouths speak without saying a word. They silently sit waiting for a moment to strike. Decorating their faces in ways to be liked. One face, two face, this face, that Multiple masks all coordinated for the act Presentation is everything. It's vital you see. Performances so great they fooled you, but not me. I watched them. I waited. I wanted to know How long you'd take to realize it was all for show.

Faith in the Midst of a Dead Situation

While reading my bible, this was revealed to me.  Why haven't you exercised your faith? Why have you allowed the state of your situation to dictate what you believe?   In 2 Kings 4, there is a story of a Shunammite woman. She shows kindness to the prophet Elisha. He subsequently entreats the Lord on her behalf and she and her husband are blessed with a son. Some time later, the son falls ill and dies in the woman's arms. She springs into action seeking help from the man of God WITHOUT so much as telling her husband of her son's death. She acted in faith and did not activate her doubts by speaking life to the dead situation. She could have told her husband "our child is dead". She could have sent for the wailers, gathered her family and friends, and immersed herself in the business of mourning. Her actions shed light on a few things.  1. She remembered the first word. She did not let what happened replace what God told her. 2. She gave no place to the negative. The bible does not record that she shed one tear. Everything that she did was about restoring that which she had lost. 3. She walked by faith. Her faith in God said this is not a dead situation though it may look that way. 4. She held her tongue. Her child died, but she believed the word of the Lord so much that she did not speak death into the atmosphere. The bible says that both death and life are in the power of the tongue. 5. She moved. She didn't keep watch over the dead. The bible also says that faith without works is dead. What lesson would there be if she had remained where she was?   I've read this story many times before, but today it was personal. Today it was a mirror for me. The Shunammite woman had a dead child, but so many of us have dead dreams, relationships, finances, jobs, faith. It's time that we stop mourning the loss and start activating our faith. Remember the first word. Steer clear of wallowing in your feelings. Close your eyes to what it looks like and see what God said it would be. Stop running your mouth about what went wrong, looks wrong, is wrong, etc. Every negative word you speak, builds the fire. And finally, relocate be that physically or figuratively. Nothing will be gained by keeping house with the dead.

I Remember

I woke up yesterday and went through some of my old Facebook posts. I'm not certain what prompted me to do this, but it did make for interesting reading. One post in particular was all about a fight I had with someone that I was so in love with. The post itself was a little heart breaking. The tears and the complete sense of loss that I felt were all staring at me, being given new life as I read the words. I was amazed at how raw my words were. I was even more amazed by the feeling that I had as I read it. I was reading about the pain. Yet, what I remembered was all the love. (If you're reading this and I didn't text you about it, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!) My exes tend to be a little vain:) Choosing to start off with that was as deliberate as it is random. My words always have purpose. They always work to get me somewhere. I am keenly aware that they also hide me. I write to purge what I'm feeling. I write to make sense of what I'm feeling. I write often to stop feeling. I want that to be what happens to me now. I want to stop feeling or at least I want to stop being aware of what I'm feeling. (SIGH).... For starters, I didn't start writing this because I remembered an old relationship. I started writing this because I can't focus on my homework, going to the gym didn't help, I'm all out of Blue Bell, and I just didn't want to try to talk about it. I can't imagine what I would say. Would it matter if I started at the beginning? (Wherever that is.) Would anyone know how to separate what's really hurting me from the things I randomly say? Probably not.... So I found myself sitting and writing. I can tell you the feeling hasn't stopped. Adayinthelife

Did I say "never look back"?

Well, I think what I should have said was never look back unless it helps you to appreciate what's in front of you. I had the privilege of wandering down memory lane yesterday. I drove through streets that have long been in need of upkeep. My trip was reminiscent of a Sunday afternoon stroll through the park. Memories wafted through my head like careless butterflies. I remembered what was once long forgotten. Each new picture thrilled me. The orange polo shirt that brought out the deep chocolate of my skin. The purple jump suit that was really neither purple or a jump suit. The grey & black striped skirt paired with my favorite pumps... All of these images drifting through my mind creating a picture. Before I knew it though the images were shifting. I saw a lavender shirt paired with faded jeans, a grey striped dress purchased on a whim, and a stark white towel that had somehow been transformed into a dress. My memories both the old and the not so old were transforming and teaching me. I was uncertain what would happen if I allowed myself to remember. But the part of me that longs to not forget is the same part that has simply moved on. I don't have to wonder how I look in red short shorts, cowgirl tees, or cream Kors sweaters.... Adayinthelife:)

Never Look Back

The theme of this summer can be summed up in three words. Never look back. I've been trying for weeks to get this done, but writing this has been a bit of a strain for me. The past few days have just been one blob of time sandwiched together. But here I am and here we go. So much can be said about my going "home". Home is a word that is used to describe the place of your familiar. It is the place where you grow and love. It is the place where you live. It is for me an evolving concept. Last year, I went "home" to Bradenton. This year, I went to Bradenton to visit. I didn't feel like I was returning home. I felt like I was stopping over in this place where my heart used to be. I was reinvigorated in Bradenton. I was loved on by my family and friends. It was for once a totally satisfying experience. But, it was no longer home. I stepped outside of my norms and realized familiar was no longer my comfort zone. I went through each day sharing time with people who helped shape where I was then. They also helped me to be ok with where I am now. I'm in a new place physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I must admit that it isn't anything like what I imagined. I've navigated through being frustrated, disappointed, and alone. That's way more than I expected for week one. Even now, as I'm finally writing this, I am trying to see past the moment. I'm trying to see past drawing parallels between my old and my new home. The comparisons are both few and endless. The thing that has me right now is the sound of my dad's voice. I am a little girl again. I hear him telling me first one thing and then the next. I believe him because he is my dad. He is my #1 and I love him. The thing is he's lying. He's telling me words that sound good but will go unfufilled. Each time he does it, I hope more....but I never had a chance to cry any less. I want to silence the memory that has invaded my mind and invaded this post. I want to write about how this summer I came into my own. I want to write about how this summer I cleaned house and turned away from what was holding me back. Each time I try to refocus, I hear the same thing. Only this time I'm not looking back.

The Truth is I'm...

The truth is I'm a heterosexual. I am and always have been. I haven't previously felt the need to openly say this, but recent events have made me feel compelled to tell the world. I am a heterosexual. I know that my declaring this may cause a scandal. I know that my personal life will now be looked at with far more scrutiny. I could not sit by a moment longer and say nothing. I could not keep quiet while fellow heterosexuals are being bullied and persecuted because of the way God made them. I had to stand up and speak for those who are afraid or ashamed. I had to give voice to the voiceless. I am a heterosexual and I hope that you are all accepting of that.

Adayinthelife :-)

Five

The jukebox in my head is playing 50 Cent. "Hate it or love it the underdog's on top...." It's also playing Eminem "I am whatever you say I am. If I wasn't then why would I say I am?" A cloudy Sunday afternoon with a head full of slightly old rap music. It's what happens to me sometimes. I reexamine a decision and my mind creates a play list.... a mini soundtrack. Right now I'm hating the decision and the soundtrack. The songs are defiant, but my action was cowardly. I placed myself in an impossible position and made a life altering decision out of fear. Many think it was fear of failure, when truly what was haunting me was the fear of success. What would have happened if I walked boldly, held my head high, and declared with God I can do this? What would have happened had I allowed God to see me through to His end? These questions are rattling around up there right along with Eminem and 50.... I am left with the reality that there is no going back. There is no taking back what I said or what I did. There is a little reflection. A bit more growth and the hope that I can at least better shape tomorrows play list.

Should I Go?

While driving up I10 today, I had an opportunity to listen to some of my favorite songs. Usually, that is a good thing. Today it had an effect. I'm still trying to process if it was a good one. One of the lines that stood out was on a Brandy song "should I go? Should I stay? I'm in control either way." Brandy was singing about her decision to rejoin the music industry. I was thinking along far more personal lines. She and I rode out to that song. She and I seem to always arrive at the same place. She's embarking on a tour in support of her new album. I'm less than a day away from the interview that opens the door to a whole new life. I want to be able to embrace all of what this change brings. I have moments when I think about it and I am fearless. I feel like David when he faced Goliath. There's a giant in front of me, but by God it has to fall down. I love those moments. I feel God moving in me. There are also those moments when I feel like the children of Israel. I see the promise, but I hear the negative report. In these moments I am thankful for hindsight. They didn't know it, but because of their story I am assured that even in those moments God is still with me. He wants me to go into the promised land. He wants to honor the word that He gave me. It is amazing to me the things that remind me that God is with me. This morning God used Brandy....."should I go? Should I stay? I'm in control either way." Thank God for that.

Praise Report

Praise report: I had a back injury that caused me to miss a significant amount of work in December. I was very anxious about how my pay would be affected because during my time at home I exhausted all of my paid leave.

In November, I took on some additional responsibility at school. I knew that this would help, but I didn't have a clear picture of how. I received my pay on Tuesday. After they were done adding and subtracting money, I only lost $1! I was stunned, though I shouldn't have been because that's just how God works. He has it all taken care of. The lesson I was reminded of was don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself. :)