Hi. My name is Candy. I like to save people. I like to help people. I like to change people's perspectives. I am a giver. I listen when I don't want to. Offer advice when none is solicited. I am both bitter and sweet. I love unconditionally. I am a hopeless romantic. I am saved. I am tired.
I am writing in this way because people need to realize that sometimes your kindness is not enough. Your understanding is not enough. Your help is not enough. Lending your ear is not enough. Your love is not enough. Who you are doesn't matter if the person you're reaching out to does not want to receive you. It is a hard lesson, but I wish that more people understood it.
Yesterday I found out that two of my friends are in crisis. One is reaching out. The other is hell bent on retreating. It is difficult to admit that the closed door affects me more than the open one. Friends are supposed to hold each other up. Friends are supposed to be ride or die. Friends are not supposed to push you away when they are hurting, but they do all the time. Usually, I would cry and try to figure out what more I could do to help. How can I make myself a better friend or confidant. I don't have to do that this time because I know that I am not the problem. Unfortunately, I am also not the solution.
We all like to think of ourselves as the solution to somebody's problem. Some of us like to fix things for people. Others like to counsel them to death. Some can't help but analyze everyone else's mess. I like to love. I love my friends so much and this time that love is the very thing that is forcing the door closed.
I can't love someone out of a bad relationship. I can't love someone so much that they forgive themselves for past wrongs. I can't love someone so much that they forget being violated. I L-O-V-E myself, and I still remember what it was like June 12, 1993.......
I have written about being raped, but I rarely talk about it. I wrote about it because it was all so surreal to me. I didn't know what date rape was and I didn't care to know when I was told that it happened to me. How does someone decide to label your nightmare date rape? I never understood that. I never understood why the powers that be would want to have a woman forever associate being raped with being on a date, but no one asked me my thoughts on the matter and I digress.
I wish there was something that I could do to take away the sting of rejection that they are experiencing, but I can't. I told one of the friends last week that only God has the power to deliver. I told my friend that because I saw yesterday coming. I saw myself being pushed away. I saw myself being relegated to the other side of the wall that was being erected. I saw it and no matter what I said, no matter how many times I listened, and encouraged; the outcome had to be the same. People ultimately must turn to Jesus.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Negro Spirituals
I was thinking today, when did my life turn into a negro spiritual? When exactly did all the songs in my head go from upbeat and uplifting to sorrowful and pleading? I love negro spirituals, but I'm tired of the shift in my life.
Today I had to deal with one more thing in the wonderful saga that began on Sunday. I thought it would be a lot harder, but I was just so resigned like it is what it is. I'm tired of trying to fix anything because none of it is working right. Let me take a commercial break for those of you who need this: I'm alive. I have my health. I have people who love me, food, clothes, yada yada.
Now on the real side of it, things really suck for me right now. I'm not ungrateful for the things I have. I'm just sick and tired of having to deal with the fallout from "I'm not recommending you for reappointment". I almost sent my old principal my own form of hate mail today. I decided not to because even though I'm royally pissed off, I know it's not his fault. I know that ultimately all of this is a part of God's plan. The problem is I can't see past the way things are falling apart on a daily freaking basis. I often wonder whose life is this anyway? This is not what I hoped, planned, or prayed for. Yet, here I am sitting here wondering when things will turn around. Hoping that I'm already at the bottom so that there's no place to go but up.
I can't stand feeling like this and to top it all off next week is Christmas. I really wish I could get into the holiday spirit, but I just can't. A part of that has to do with what's going on too. We are celebrating the single most important birth in history and all I can think about is why does this man want me to be the mother of his child? Sure, I want to be a mom. His timing is just downright awful. Right now I'm like a basket case just trying to figure out how to make it through all of the hours in a day. Who knows how that is going to play out. I'm not even sure how I feel about it. His thoughts are ever changing and mine are just......I DON'T KNOW!
People have kids all the time without thought, planning, or purpose. I always wanted to have a husband and then a baby. Most of the time I still do. I still want to walk down the aisle and have Mese standing next to me and Pnut cracking jokes (about the show) in the front row. I still want my dad to give me away....though lately all I've been getting from him are headaches. What is the man doing dating that child????????? I digress. I guess it never occurred to me that someone would love me in a way that was finite and infinite all at once. I know that it will be hard to work this out....partially because I'm a christian and partially because our relationship is so complicated without even needing to be. I love him. He loves me. In a perfect world, that would be enough. In the world of negro spirituals, nothing could be that easy.
Today I had to deal with one more thing in the wonderful saga that began on Sunday. I thought it would be a lot harder, but I was just so resigned like it is what it is. I'm tired of trying to fix anything because none of it is working right. Let me take a commercial break for those of you who need this: I'm alive. I have my health. I have people who love me, food, clothes, yada yada.
Now on the real side of it, things really suck for me right now. I'm not ungrateful for the things I have. I'm just sick and tired of having to deal with the fallout from "I'm not recommending you for reappointment". I almost sent my old principal my own form of hate mail today. I decided not to because even though I'm royally pissed off, I know it's not his fault. I know that ultimately all of this is a part of God's plan. The problem is I can't see past the way things are falling apart on a daily freaking basis. I often wonder whose life is this anyway? This is not what I hoped, planned, or prayed for. Yet, here I am sitting here wondering when things will turn around. Hoping that I'm already at the bottom so that there's no place to go but up.
I can't stand feeling like this and to top it all off next week is Christmas. I really wish I could get into the holiday spirit, but I just can't. A part of that has to do with what's going on too. We are celebrating the single most important birth in history and all I can think about is why does this man want me to be the mother of his child? Sure, I want to be a mom. His timing is just downright awful. Right now I'm like a basket case just trying to figure out how to make it through all of the hours in a day. Who knows how that is going to play out. I'm not even sure how I feel about it. His thoughts are ever changing and mine are just......I DON'T KNOW!
People have kids all the time without thought, planning, or purpose. I always wanted to have a husband and then a baby. Most of the time I still do. I still want to walk down the aisle and have Mese standing next to me and Pnut cracking jokes (about the show) in the front row. I still want my dad to give me away....though lately all I've been getting from him are headaches. What is the man doing dating that child????????? I digress. I guess it never occurred to me that someone would love me in a way that was finite and infinite all at once. I know that it will be hard to work this out....partially because I'm a christian and partially because our relationship is so complicated without even needing to be. I love him. He loves me. In a perfect world, that would be enough. In the world of negro spirituals, nothing could be that easy.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
The Value Behind Understanding a Misunderstanding
Today was the worst day EVER. Now that I've gotten that out of the way. I don't want to talk about it because those who answered, know. Those who didn't, won't.
What I learned from today was there is great value in accepting an apology. There is great value in listening to the other side of the story. I decided 3 years ago that I didn't like the way my life was. I didn't like the pointlessness. I wanted a change and so much has changed, but then today I learned that I still have a hard time making peace when I am wounded. On the inside I felt like I have to be on the defensive. I have to make sure they know I am not going to back down. But before I could say a word out came an apology. It didn't change the scope of the worst day ever, but it made me remember that it's easier to forgive than resent and really that whole thing was not why I was mad anyway. I was dealing with trying to piece together what has been falling apart and I almost let a misunderstanding turn into something it didn't need to be......
I don't really like what I just wrote at all, but I'll let it stand because it was on my mind. I'll end with a poem that I just shared with my gf. It makes me laugh a little because it came from such a good place. After the day I've had I can use a happy ending.
Deep inside I thought our time mattered
Deep inside I thought our days spent
laying around
listening to the beginning of us
would impact you differently
Deep inside I thought
the hands held
secrets told
embraces shared
would change things....expand us
I thought you meant it when you told me
you wanted me
Didn't know it would all end with you
Deep inside
What I learned from today was there is great value in accepting an apology. There is great value in listening to the other side of the story. I decided 3 years ago that I didn't like the way my life was. I didn't like the pointlessness. I wanted a change and so much has changed, but then today I learned that I still have a hard time making peace when I am wounded. On the inside I felt like I have to be on the defensive. I have to make sure they know I am not going to back down. But before I could say a word out came an apology. It didn't change the scope of the worst day ever, but it made me remember that it's easier to forgive than resent and really that whole thing was not why I was mad anyway. I was dealing with trying to piece together what has been falling apart and I almost let a misunderstanding turn into something it didn't need to be......
I don't really like what I just wrote at all, but I'll let it stand because it was on my mind. I'll end with a poem that I just shared with my gf. It makes me laugh a little because it came from such a good place. After the day I've had I can use a happy ending.
Deep inside I thought our time mattered
Deep inside I thought our days spent
laying around
listening to the beginning of us
would impact you differently
Deep inside I thought
the hands held
secrets told
embraces shared
would change things....expand us
I thought you meant it when you told me
you wanted me
Didn't know it would all end with you
Deep inside
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
It's Alright, But It's Not OK
You know when you find out something and initially it's not a big deal and then when you sit with it a while it takes over your thoughts and you just find yourself unable to do anything except sit and stare and wonder and write run on sentences on your blog because really all of it is coming without thought or form or periods its just a massive glob of words bouncing around in your head like a ping pong ball and no matter what you do no matter how many games of tetris you play or how many people you start to email and then stop the only thing that you keep hearing in your head is she is pregnant and you want to say hey who cares but the best you can do is it's alright, but it's not ok
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