Hi. My name is Candy. I like to save people. I like to help people. I like to change people's perspectives. I am a giver. I listen when I don't want to. Offer advice when none is solicited. I am both bitter and sweet. I love unconditionally. I am a hopeless romantic. I am saved. I am tired.
I am writing in this way because people need to realize that sometimes your kindness is not enough. Your understanding is not enough. Your help is not enough. Lending your ear is not enough. Your love is not enough. Who you are doesn't matter if the person you're reaching out to does not want to receive you. It is a hard lesson, but I wish that more people understood it.
Yesterday I found out that two of my friends are in crisis. One is reaching out. The other is hell bent on retreating. It is difficult to admit that the closed door affects me more than the open one. Friends are supposed to hold each other up. Friends are supposed to be ride or die. Friends are not supposed to push you away when they are hurting, but they do all the time. Usually, I would cry and try to figure out what more I could do to help. How can I make myself a better friend or confidant. I don't have to do that this time because I know that I am not the problem. Unfortunately, I am also not the solution.
We all like to think of ourselves as the solution to somebody's problem. Some of us like to fix things for people. Others like to counsel them to death. Some can't help but analyze everyone else's mess. I like to love. I love my friends so much and this time that love is the very thing that is forcing the door closed.
I can't love someone out of a bad relationship. I can't love someone so much that they forgive themselves for past wrongs. I can't love someone so much that they forget being violated. I L-O-V-E myself, and I still remember what it was like June 12, 1993.......
I have written about being raped, but I rarely talk about it. I wrote about it because it was all so surreal to me. I didn't know what date rape was and I didn't care to know when I was told that it happened to me. How does someone decide to label your nightmare date rape? I never understood that. I never understood why the powers that be would want to have a woman forever associate being raped with being on a date, but no one asked me my thoughts on the matter and I digress.
I wish there was something that I could do to take away the sting of rejection that they are experiencing, but I can't. I told one of the friends last week that only God has the power to deliver. I told my friend that because I saw yesterday coming. I saw myself being pushed away. I saw myself being relegated to the other side of the wall that was being erected. I saw it and no matter what I said, no matter how many times I listened, and encouraged; the outcome had to be the same. People ultimately must turn to Jesus.
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