Thanks For Showing Your True Colors

I wanted to write today about this great love that is happening, but in true fashion the devil wants to make my life his playground. I don't want to give this any energy, but I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off because I just realized that the friend I thought I had isn't my friend at all. People say that you know a person by their actions. I finally believe that. I finally see that me being a friend doesn't mean a thing. I can be your friend. I can be your late night counselor. I can be your ace boon coon. I can be your prayer warrior. I can be all of that and it doesn't mean anything really to you. The reality of that is making me feel like throwing in the towel with everyone and with every thing....but even now I as I am writing I am encouraged. I am encouraged because I know that you, your behavior is an anomaly. I know that people genuinely care about me and that this is just another thing to make me stronger. I know that all of the time and love that I invested in our friendship will be returned to me. I know it and while that will be what eventually makes all the difference right now I'm just hurt.

Full Moon

I always wondered about the validity of strange things happening when there is a full moon. Right now I'm so utterly and completely confused that the full moon is the only thing I can blame it on.

I have been trying to put silence into practice this week. Not silence in the sense of completely not talking, but silence in the sense of not talking about certain things. It is going so well, but right now I feel like I'm being bombarded with....choices. All of the choices represent something I wanted at one point or the other. I just feel like it's all kind of random and bitter sweet. The choice that has me writing this at 1AM is something I hoped for, dreamed about, envisioned. The problem is the timing and the presentation. What I wouldn't give for this to have been 6 months ago. It is exhausting me even as I type. The list of pros and cons is neck and neck and I just don't know which way to go with this. Typing was supposed to clear my head, but it is making it spin a little more.

The most pressing thought that I'm having is what should I call this today? A few of my thoughts are silence is golden, please shut up, and why me? All of those would be fitting, but they would also require too much of an explanation. I can see it now. She thinks I'm referencing her inability to just mind her own business. This one thinks maybe her lame comment went too far. He sees everything in the universe as being about him and the rest...truly those would be the ones those titles were meant for. I just want a moment to vent. I want to vent about how on earth things are peachy one moment and the next they are just blah. How is it that my life is so topsy freaking turvy? Last night I sat up trying to remind myself that no matter what tangibly goes wrong, I am still in the center of God's will. That particular conversation fell on semi deaf ears because I know it, but right now I'm just not feeling it. Right now I'm sick of looking at white walls and nothing. Right now I just wish I was at home (Bradenton) where I didn't have to sit in a stupid hot house without air conditioning.... Actually, I did for a while there, but even that was not like this. I am over not having furniture. I am over 10 months on a stupid air mattress. I am over working in a stupid career and not being able to afford my own dinner when I go out with friends. I am over living from check to stupid check. I can't go anywhere that I want. I can't do anything without people paying for me or giving me gas money. I am just sick and tired of all of it. That is all.

Please do not respond to this message via email, fb, call, or text. I don't really have a positive thing to say about it right now. I just needed to get it out.

King David

I have been reading the bible stories about King David. I always thought that King David was interesting, but I never really felt like I identified with him at all. I remember wondering how he could be so loved by God. I only understood him in terms of being an adulterer and a murderer. I am so thankful that my reading lead me to see what all the fuss was about. King David was a murderer. King David was an adulterer. But King David never allowed his sin to keep him separated from God. He loved the Lord so much that he was quick to repentance and always had a praise before him. He loved the Lord more than the things of this world and that is a part of why he was so loved by God. King David's story touched me anew as I was reading. It reminded me of God's love. God's desire is that all turn to Him. He wants to forgive us in spite of whatever wrongs we purpose in our hearts. That is so comforting and so wonderful.

There are no sides

I had a conversation with one of my best friends about how people have been choosing sides. Well, there are no sides. I am all by myself. I don't feel like that is some great tragedy. I am sad about it of course, but I just need people to back off. I don't need the great girl speech. I don't need the it will be alright talk. Eventually someone will choose me. I guess now just isn't my time.

Secrets

I already know that this is going to be a difficult post because I'm at my sister's house and I am surrounded by my nieces laughter. Their laughter is supposed to be like this sweet serum, but is like a knife cutting through to my heart. I love them, but it... I won't ever be able to have what my sister has. I won't be able to have what so many of you have and right now it's all too much to even imagine.

I feel like I'm so tired. I'm so tired of the bad things that just keep happening. I understand this to be one of those things. It is one of those things where I could have done something or not to change the outcome, but now it's too late for all of that and there are just an endless sea of tears. There are tears that don't have a beginning or an end. I wish I didn't have to do this by myself. But last year I made a decision to never talk about it with anyone except him. Last year I made a decision to just somehow deal with it and to this point I have. Up until today it has been just one of those things that the doctor said. But today I woke up and I knew it was a little more than just what she said. It is something that I have to accept. I just wish I didn't have to do it by myself.

I Am Whatever You Say I Am

The Devil Is Busy

This morning I came to work excited about the end of another work week. I had a song in my head and it seemed all was well. I opened my email for another attack. In the past couple of days I've been called a horrible person, uncaring, waste of space, you name it. This morning the parent of one of my students took it a bit farther. Every single word in this wonderful email was either lie or threat and I sat there just dumb founded. I didn't know what to say or do. I didn't know where it would even originate from. Her child is a straight A student. Her child is in my mentoring group. Her child has called and texted me at all hours of the day and night, but before many of you even thought of breakfast the mother made me feel like getting my purse and walking off my job.

As a teacher, this has been my lowest week. I've wanted to just leave so many times. I was told yesterday, "You are an adult. Brush it off." How does one stand on the front line day after day and do that? This morning when stunned turned to tears I started to sing a song. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. It is a simple verse, a comforting scripture. The tears didn't immediately stop, but I was comforted. I remembered also my favorite favorite scripture "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." (NIV version)

I know that I am being tried and tested for my good. I just ask that you all pray for me. It is getting harder to just stand.

Faith Can Move Mountains

This has been an incredible 7 days. I can hardly explain what it feels like this morning. Last night was my first restless night in a week. This morning, bright and early, I found out why. My initial reaction was shock and sadness. But it felt manufactured. It felt inappropriate. It felt like it belonged to someone else. I considered not going to work. I considered climbing into bed and hiding behind the covers. Something told me to get dressed. Something told me to just move and it would be fine. I got in the car and in my cd player was the answer to my prayers. I cranked up the car and Whose Report was playing. In an instant, I felt relief. In an instant I knew, God's got it. I listened to the song as if for the first time. The way it made me feel was simply loved.

I followed it with It Will Be Alright. I already felt like it would be, but then I knew. I knew that my faith had surpassed any place that it had ever been. I knew that I was walking a new walk. I knew that I was living a different life and the reason the feeling felt inappropriate is because it was. I am God's peculiar treasure. He has His hand on me and what looked like the start of a bad day is just beautiful.

I'm Not Sad at All

I'm writing right now out of necessity instead of desire. It's only 9AM and the glow of another peaceful night's sleep is starting to fade. I have already spent two hours searching the internet. I have already started the process of what may turn out to be my next endeavor. I have already done so much today, but it feels like I haven't done anything. It feels like I haven't even awaken from my sleep. It feels like my day so far is a part of some dream I keep having.

I keep wondering when I will feel sadness over the loss of my job. I'm not wondering because I want to feel sad. I wondering because people keep asking me why I'm not. I haven't shed a tear or felt down. I haven't done anything except been at peace. Somehow that doesn't seem to be enough. The question I keep getting is will you go home? I am puzzled because I am home. I live in Tallahassee. I didn't move here for Lincoln. I moved here for God. God still has work for me to do right here. God put Tallahassee in my heart when all I wanted was my mama, my family/friends, and Westcoast.

I was speaking to one of my sisters about how God keeps giving me the things I always wanted. I always wanted to work at an A school. I can say that I've done that. I always wanted to work for Atlanta Public Schools. I was offered that. I believe that God is on the verge on granting some of my other desires. Only this time, I think He is working on the ones that are in my heart way down on the inside. I am so hopeful and so optimistic about what is to come. So I say to all of you, please don't feel sad for me. My future is in God's hands and that is all right with me.

Peace

I woke up this morning completely at peace. I had the most restful sleep that I can recall ever having. I am not rattled by yesterday's events. I am not really thinking to deeply about it at all. My state of mind seems to be astounding some of my friends. People have been asking what will you? Are you ok? I understand of course that these things are the nature of people. My reaction is I am fine. I am not broken. I am not upset. I am fine. I feel like I don't have a care in the world and for me that's great. I've been here before. I've had to face an uncertain (immediate) future. The last time I did it with equal humility and tears. This time I'm blessed with the memory of the last time and the knowledge that God controls the beginning and the end.

Number One

I've spent my whole life wanting to be #1. I've never felt like I was the most important person to anybody. Right now I feel the weight of that statement. Right now I feel it crushing me. I just want to be #1. I want to be a priority instead of a second or third or fourth thought. I want to know how it feels more than anything.

The saddest thing is people will read this and not understand. People will read it and not accept the simplicity of I just want to be #1. People will read it and not be able to imagine what it feels like to not ever be considered first. I feel every bit of it, but I can't capture how it makes me feel. I can't explain the nagging. I can't explain the way it is when no one sees your need as priority. I can't explain why I don't even prioritize myself. My life is and has always been prioritized by the needs of others. What does this person or that one need. I bend over backwards to accomodate every single person except the one who keeps having to accept less. I just want to be number 1.

Settling In

I've had such a stress filled week. It was the kind of week where one day blended into the next. There were sleepless nights and days filled with one thing and then the other. Last night was the hardest for me because I had to put on a hat that I wasn't ready to wear. I had to be for my new friend the person that I have been for so many others in the past. The difference was everything is still so new. Everything is still so fresh.

I found myself looking at him with absolute wonder. He needed me. It was that simple, yet a part of me felt the weight of it in a way I haven't before. I told him that it feels like we've gone from zero to five million in record time. The calendar says one month has passed, but we have traveled so far beyond that. I feel him when we are apart. I long to see him when he momentarily leaves the room. He is becoming such an important part of my life. This morning I went to check on him and I realized that I was settling in. The care and concern are becoming second nature. My desires for me are becoming desires for us. I love it. I absolutely love the space I'm in.

In The Heat of the Moment

You should never make a decision in the heat of the moment. Last night, I did just that. I should have taken a moment to vent or laugh or cry or whatever. Instead I wrote something that I regret. I didn't realize that writing it was out of fear. I'm so afraid to be hurt. I'm so afraid to be loved that I'd rather waste time pondering over a closed situation. I decided to delete the post last night. This morning I decided to honestly try. I decided to try to forget about those who didn't this or didn't that. I decided to focus on what is before me.

I realized last night that I don't truly even know what that is. I look at him and I see question marks. I see potential. I see failure. I see myself saddling him with too much because of what was before. My triumphs and my failures crowd my mind and I feel just so tired of even being aware of it all. He's so sweet to me and I want to give him a chance, but I don't even know how.

In the beginning

In the beginning of a relationship there are so many moments that happen. There are so many things racing by that we often forget to just stop and look and reflect. I'm feeling reflective because I think I'm at the beginning and I don't want any of the things to pass by and fade into nothingness.

I want to remember the very first time he said "you are absolutely beautiful". I felt completely exposed almost like I was naked. I had a frown on my face courtesy of my sixth period class and all I wanted was to go to home and go to bed. But he saw me as beautiful. I remember looking into his eyes and feeling every one of his words. He puzzled me. He intrigued me. When he smiled, I wanted it to go with me. I wanted to take it to my house and fill all the empty space. I wanted to wear it as my shield everyday when my kids started to drive me nuts. The problem was I didn't even know his name. I just knew that he thought I was beautiful just as I was.

After that, I found reasons to run into him. He always had a smile and a kind word. I looked forward to seeing him and if he wasn't there I was sad. I was sad because there was something about him that just made me want to know more. Then, I remembered. I'd already had a funeral for shy and there was really no more room for her.

I was like a bumbling idiot the day I decided to talk to him. I couldn't remember anything that I'd rehearsed. All I wanted was for him to call me, but I just stood there stuck in a moment. Even then, he made me feel like everything was going to be ok. I got lost in the sound of his voice coaxing me to talk to him.(I really love the sound of his voice.) I couldn't say a word, but I was so happy with myself because I tried.

Thankfully, he called me. Since then there have been so many moments in such a small amount of time. He looks at me like I'm the only person in the world. He smiles and I am so at ease. He's thoughtful in a way that is new and exciting for me. I am happy. I am hopeful. I am relishing the beginning.

Letting Go of the Hurt

Yesterday I had to call up my ex for advice. I had to call him because he knows me. He knows my heart and he knows how easy it is for me to be hurt. I don't think he knew how hard it was to call him for advice. I don't think he knew how hard it was for me to admit that he was the only one who knew what was really going on on the inside. He was the only one who knew how hard it was for me to stay with him and how devastated I was to walk away. He understood that what is before me is not a cut and dry decision. It is another blow to something that has been dying for a long time.

I am supposed to be this little beacon of hope. I'm supposed to be writing this post so that someone somewhere can walk away with something positive. It's hard to do when the person writing just keeps feeling like she has to walk away and this time there's just nothing positive about it.

I Want to Live the Life I Talk About

Recently I've been telling people I want to live the life I talk about. It seemed like the easiest way to explain the changes that have been taking place in my life. I only realized this morning that it has only served one purpose. I do want to live a life for God. I want to grow and learn and share the goodness of God. I never thought that everything else would have to be sacrificed, but lately it feels like I can't have anything that I want. I don't understand why every step forward is met with a dose of rejection or disappointment or just something negative to make me wonder what is this all for? I didn't expect to feel unhappy. I didn't expect to feel like I had way more fun before. I didn't expect to feel anything but happy all the time.

For the past two days I've been wondering if my life has changed so much, how come it still matters what people think? How can a new person do things differently and still get the same result? I am utterly baffled by this. Everyone who knows me can testify to the fact that I'm different so what gives? Why am I still stuck with the same stupid results? AAAAAAAAAAAh! I am in desperate need of a break through.

P.S. Please don't read this as anything except a bit of frustration. I know that regardless of how I feel God has my best interest in mind. I just need something great to happen.

Anticipation

4 A.M. greeted me like an old friend this morning. Surprisingly, I responded with a smile. When I went to bed last night, I was a little disappointed because I was waiting for something that didn't happen. I was a complete ball of nervous energy and it was all for naught because he didn't call. I smiled about it this morning because I know that he will. There will be a nerve wracking conversation where I try really hard to remember to just breathe and at the end of it all we'll decide if there should be another conversation and then another still. I don't pretend to know what the conversations will be like. I'm just happy because of the way anticipating them makes me feel.

Fresh

I wanted to write last night, but by the time I reached my home I was wondering how I would be able to sleep with so much on my mind. For two days in a row there was mess in my life where there is generally serenity. I have a new mind this morning. I have a new thought and it is simply if it ain't broke why fix it?

I've had so much time to examine my life and examine my motives. I am focused on being a better christian. I simply can't be bothered with anything that is going to compromise that. People have been saying to branch out and meet new people. I happen to love the friends I have. I happen to love the fact that I have friendships that have outlasted the lastest wave of gossip. I happen to love being able to look back over my life and say I've grown up with these people. And that is just the thing, I've GROWN. I have zero tolerance for a lot of stuff that other people simply haven't outgrown. Should I have to regress because they are not where I am? I think not.

I have more to say, but it is on a different topic so I will address that later today. I promise, it's much more upbeat than this. :)

It's Alright With Me

This morning is weird for me. I'm out of town and I opted not to push myself to make it home for church. I opted to just kind of see where the day takes me. It is odd not being in service because I love church. I love the music, the fellowship, the word. On this Sunday, I am in a different space and while I could have gone here, I knew it wouldn't quite be the same.

Last night I realized just how much is at stake and just how much I'm in a place of peace about all of it. I never felt like my life was hanging in the balance. I never felt like one decision would be enough to completely change the course of it all. I feel like that now, but instead of panic or despair I have peace.

Peace is honestly not what I wanted. I wanted to feel a sense of urgency. I wanted to feel like it all rested with me. I wanted to feel like I had control. It's hard to imagine not having those things and still feeling like I'm ok. Somehow I am and there are moments of sadness. There are moments where I just want to scream. There are moments when I'm completely overwhelmed and I cry and wonder. I have learned to appreciate those moments. Those moments help me just as much as being at peace does. In those moments, I am vulnerable. In those moments, I am hopeful. In those moments, I appreciate just how much we've already made it through.

The Music

Oh outlet...you provide me with such a sweet release. Tonight I felt like dancing. Tonight I felt like singing. I felt like I was living this life instead of just breathing. I felt like hope was filling me up in a way I hadn't been filled before. The music touched me deep on the inside. The music made me wonder how I could not spend every day just dancing and being filled with smiles and laughter. The music made me see so many happy faces floating around in my head. The music answered questions, calmed nervousness, and set aside fears. The music lifted me so high...but the words silenced the rhythm and it felt like the world stop spinning in that moment and I sat very still.

Memories of you

A few years ago I realized that I had a new best friend. It was kind of strange because I'd had the same best friend for a decade and I never thought that there would be anything that we couldn't conquer together. When I first referred to you as my best friend it felt just like being at home. I hadn't lost my other friends. I hadn't even lost my original best friend. I had just found something that seemed to fit just so. I found balance where I was uncertain. Laughter soon replaced many tears. The tears still came....that's just my way. It was different some how. Crying used to make me feel worse. With you on the other end everything seemed like it could somehow be better. You have always been my hope. You, the optimistic one. The consummate thinker who made me feel like I could be so much more than I was.
I am so overwhelmed with happy thoughts. I am remembering the simplicity of us getting to know each other. I remember when we met but I don't remember not being friends. It's not that I don't know that there is a space in time where unfamiliarity exists. It's just we've lived...we shared so many things. And right now I'm sad beyond comprehension. I feel like I've lost my compass. My faith is what will ultimately see me through, but I keep hearing Bishop Porter singing...."memories of you are etched in my mind and I find myself thinking of you all the time. sometimes my days turn into tears because I'm not there with you."

The Bride and Bridegroom

It took me going through a few things to understand something about the bride and bridegroom. I forgot that the ultimate union is not between a man and a woman. The ultimate union is between the Lord and the church. A single person is to be concerned with the things of God, while a married person is to be concerned with the things of the world (how to be pleasing to a husband/wife). I realized recently that I was out of order. I was concerned with the things of the world when I should have been concerned with the things of God.

Last year I was perplexed and a little excited when it was placed on my heart to prepare for the big day. I thought that preparation meant a lot of things. Many of the things that women do crossed my mind. Many of them took root in my mind and became the things that I obsessed about. The things that garnered all of my time were all about the world. I spent time looking at dresses, invitations, locations, etc. I somehow that the the world's preparation was what I was to focus on. There is nothing wrong with wanting a nice dress. There is nothing wrong with choosing nice invitations. The root of the problem is my preparation was all about worldly things. I hadn't considered truly preparing for the bridegroom. I hadn't considered the Godliness of it all. Instead of choosing a dress, I should have been reading what God says about how a wife must present herself. Instead of spending time worrying about the path of my groom, I should have been spending time with the one I'd already given myself to.

Giving your life to God is such a blessing, but we often miss what is in front of us because we are consumed with the trappings of this world. Believers, do not neglect your groom. Show Him the love you desire. Only He can truly know how to meet your need.

I'm Over It Now

I'm over it now. Over it now. I can't see how, but I'm over it.

I have to thank God for always, always having my back. Yesterday I wrote something that I wasn't really pleased with, but it was on my mind. I was trying to figure out if everything is so great why do I still feel this way. One of my friends called me and she said "I'm going to tell you a story." When she said that somehow I knew that she had the answer that I was seeking. It's a little hard to put into words, but I'll try.

Last year was such a blessing for me. Every trial that I had was ordered by the Lord. Every triumph that followed was His way of showing me there IS a blessing in ever lesson. One of the things that happened last year was I saw my life. I saw where it used to be, I saw where it was, and I saw where God planned for me to end up. It was the scariest thing because so much of it was about Him where before it had all been about me. What I wrote yesterday was about me spending too much time in the flesh. I have a great life because I'm living in obedience. I have a great life because all of it (the sad days I spend by myself, the triumphs with my kids)is a part of what God wants for me.

I say thank you for all of you who've stuck by me in the mist of this journey. I say a special thank you to Elle Woods. We had no idea what it meant when we met, but God had all of this in his plan and I'm over it now. Over it now. I can't say how, but I'm over it.

Now What?

I don't really feel like writing anything on here, but I think that I should. The past week has been great and miserable all at the same time. The great moments have primarily revolved around my kids. I was determined to do things different with them and I am already seeing positive results. I have a student who ended the semester with a 20% average. He currently has 100%. I've started my mentoring group again.... All of that is great. Absolutely great. It's just when school is over, when church is over...I have to go home. I have come to hate going home. I hate it because there's no one there. There's no one waiting for me or visiting me or anything. There is just me and I'm so tired of that. I'm so tired of nothing. I keep asking myself now what? The kids are on track, I feel like I'm growing spiritually, but NOW WHAT? What exactly am I supposed to do? I read books. I bake. I watch movies. I talk to friends. After all of that it still feels like nothing is happening.

I Want to Scream Already

I want to scream because for some reason I thought that all of this would be way easier than it is. I thought that this little person who I evicted would just stay away. I thought that kicking her out was the best possible scenario, but I'm not so sure. She has been trying to get back into my good graces and I just may have to let her. This morning she showed up and politely advised me to smile, wave, and say nothing. Funny thing is I complied...eagerly.

The thing is it was easier when shy lived with me. I didn't have to think about anything the way I have for the past couple of weeks. I didn't have to wonder what he thought about me, my hair, the things that I say...the list goes on and on. I didn't have to wonder because I hadn't talked to him and while I'm happy that I did, this new world of wonder is driving me insane.