An Oldie But Goodie

I was laying here watching a movie and a few things started running through my mind. One of them is it's amazing to realize you've forgiven someone. It's even more amazing to realize when you feel nothing but love. There are two people who have my heart smiling. They are both my shelter. They are both my home place. They are both my best friend. She always let me be myself. The girl who screamed or the one who cried. He's the only one who knows the dream and pushes me to reach for it. There are so many things about these two people who hold my heart in their hands. When I was thinking of them I thought about a poem I wrote 10 yrs ago. When I wrote it she was the very fiber of who I was and he was someone who was yet to come. But it fits them. It fits them. Although I wrote it for someone else, I hope that they will accept it because I truly do love them.

"Because I love you" a1999candyoriginal


I love you

Without you my life would be nothing
When I met you, you changed the very way the sun appeared,
flowers smelled, and world moved for me

Before you I was lost, wandering around with no joy
You brought the most wonderful thing to my life, love
When we are apart I keep going by the pieces of you
that I carry with me

Your smile lights up my day
especially when work situations get me down
Remembering your words of encouragement
pushes me to succeed

I love you

You are my perfect angel
You have things about you that cause others to think less of you
those are the things that elevate you in my eyes
You inspire me to love as I never have before

Angel, I love you

I can not say it enough
Each time the words escape my lips
my heart swells with adoration for you

You are everything to me angel
and my heart sings

because I love you.

Changes

I've reached my breaking point. I didn't imagine it would come to this. I didn't imagine that I would feel like the only solution was for me to walk away. But here I am preparing to do it again. I'm walking away because somehow at some point me just being who I am became too much. Me just living and loving the way I always have. I make no apology about the way I am, the way I was raised. I am who I am apologetically. If I am your friend, I will love you through the laughter and the tears. I will love you through disappointments. I will love you even when I feel like I've run out of love to give. I've reached that point today. I've reached the point where I don't feel like I can be the friend that I once was and it hurts me, but in this moment there is nothing. I feel angry. I feel hurt. I don't feel love. I feel like it is all so surreal. I don't know how we got here.

I wish there was peace. I want peace so bad. I want the times when we stayed up half the night just talking and laughing. I want hours on the phone hashing out the meaning of life, some interesting scripture, or nothing at all. I want to feel like I have my friend. But I was told that things change. Things have to be different and I should show respect for what is now. I wonder who shows respect for what was before. I wonder, but there is no room for an answer. Things do inevitably change. I guess the problem is my love stayed the same.

It Should Be A Given

If you tell me you're saved, certain things just should be a given. I shouldn't have to cringe when I ride with you because your radio is on the hip hop/ r&b station. I shouldn't have to wonder how you know every popular song. I shouldn't have to see new pictures of you at the club. I shouldn't have to convince you to stop giving the world for all of your attention. I shouldn't have to wonder why you don't stop cursing. I shouldn't have to listen to your story about how you and your bf/gf got down. I shouldn't have to because as a Christian some things should be a given.

It should be a given that you went to church last week.
It should be a given that you spent time in prayer.
It should be a given that you paid your tithe and offering.
It should be a given that you are constantly seeking spiritual growth.
It should be a given that unmarried Christians are not having sex.
It should be a given that you no longer pepper our conversations with curse words.
It should be a given, but it's not. So maybe you should ask yourself are you really saved?

The Dating Game

I've been pondering dating. Actually, I've been obsessing about dating. It's not the way that sounds. The thing is, I need to know a reason for dating. I've asked several people lately and have received some good answers. The problem is I still feel conflicted about it.

I want to go out on a date. I want to go to dinner and the park. I want to sit on the phone and talk about absolutely nothing. I want to hold hands. I want to watch football, eat wings, and absolutely berate my favorite team for their asinine play. I want to be in the company of a man who's interested in me for who I am.

The problem is all of it feels like a lie. I have broad desires, but focused hopes. I have a layout, but no blue print. I don't want to be in the company of just any man. I want to be in the company of the one. The one who is destined to be my forever. I don't want to go through the motions of it all with someone else. Someone who may look perfect, feel perfect, but just not be perfect.

I don't want to open myself up and put my feelings on the line when I know that there will come a point when I have to walk away. I've never been the one who wanted to date for dating sake. I wanted to play for keeps even when I was just 13 and I had my first boyfriend. So someone please try to help me understand the point of dating someone when your heart longs for the one.

The last part was supposed to be the end, but I just remember some thoughts I wrote the other day while my students were testing. Hope you like it.

The Potential of Us (9/10/09)

I want to love you more than I want to breathe.
You are what has caused me to soar.
You are what allows me to succeed.
You are what makes me fear failure.
You are the one that I want to love.

I want to grow with you.
I want to change from the person who only imagined you.
I want to be the one who relishes you...
the one who bathes in your touch.
I want to experience you in waves and sounds.

Your love makes me want to exceed the reach of love's limitations.
The peak of my happiness becomes immeasurable because of my devotion to you.
Fly with me on this celestial high.
Allow yourself to experience the fullness of me loving you.