I keep asking myself what exactly are you doing here? Why exactly are you living in a situation that brings you daily sadness? Why are you in this city where you never seem to do anything except get lost? Why does any of it even matter anymore? Why are you suddenly so sad about everything?
The only answer I ever have is that I followed the will of God. I still believe that. My sadness/semi-depression is all about life in the natural. I am suffering as a human being. I am suffering from loneliness. I am suffering from the loss of my best friend. I am suffering because I'm isolated from everything and everyone that I love. I am already seeking God's forgiveness as I write this because I know that at the end of it all I will be ok because in coming here I did what I was supposed to do. Who can tell me what to do right now? What am I supposed to do with the part in the middle? How am I supposed to find a sense of calm or happiness?
I am tired from working so hard to make a good impression with kids that I'm not invested in. I am having a hard time smiling through being told "I'm a redneck and I support the rebel flag." These kids are not my kids. I miss MY kids. And yet I am painfully aware that I was initially disconnected from them too. They were once not MY kids. The thing is they are now and I don't know what to do with kids that hate Obama just because he's black. Realistically, that would have to mean they hate me too. I'm sure they don't think of that as they proudly say these things. The question is still what am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to do with any of this? What am I supposed to do with being sad about DJ AM? What am I supposed to do with the stupid questions about why I get sad when things happen to people I don't know? How can you not feel sad for his family and his friends who will never see him again? How can you not feel sad at the loss of potential?
I am tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of wondering why everyone seems to be living a life that I thought I would have. Shouldn't I be happy that Alex has a baby boy? Ummm, that would be a resounding NO. Sure, I'm happy that he's moved on with his life and all of that. He's a great guy and I wanted nothing more than for him to have the things that he wanted. But what about what I wanted? When does any of that get to happen? When do I get to be a wife, a mom, a happy individual again? It's funny because I'm supposed to be being freed from oppression. Right now I just don't see that happening.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The Lonely Girl Blues
So I have the lonely new girl blues and I want to go on a date! Truthfully, I've been wanting to go on a date for a while so I guess those are unrelated issues. I don't quite know what to do. I don't even know what to say. There are so many variables that are causing me to be the lonely girl. I don't know anyone here is leading the pack. My coworkers are nice people, but right now I feel alone in a room. It reminds me of the essay that I wrote with that title. If you've never read it, I'll send it to you. It's not something that I want to post here. This is too public of a forum.
Anyway, I went to the library the other day and I saw the cutest guy ever. I sat there virtually stalking him until the library closed. He asked me to watch his laptop. I complied, but what I really wanted was for him to ask me for my number or to go to starbucks or anything that would have meant that I wouldn't have to go home and reflect. There are truly way too many things for me to reflect on right now. But, he left. He went about his way and I was left with the lonely girl blues.
Anyway, I went to the library the other day and I saw the cutest guy ever. I sat there virtually stalking him until the library closed. He asked me to watch his laptop. I complied, but what I really wanted was for him to ask me for my number or to go to starbucks or anything that would have meant that I wouldn't have to go home and reflect. There are truly way too many things for me to reflect on right now. But, he left. He went about his way and I was left with the lonely girl blues.
Friday, August 7, 2009
If You Obey Him, You Will Be Blessed
The cat is officially out of the bag. I'm moving to Tallahassee. I wanted to do my best to bring everyone up to speed. I will admit to being afraid to tell a couple of you I was leaving. This is part of the reason for the public forum. Well, here we go.
The story begins 3 years ago. My favorite cousin blessed me with tickets to an FSU game. I went with one of my best friends. I had the privilege to visit one of our sister churches (Greater Blessings Tabernacle of Praise) while I was there. I felt an instant connection. Over the past 3 years I have visited often, but recently I started to feel different.
A few months ago, I almost joined the Greater Blessings. I had spent the night before talking to friends about God, prayer, and purpose. I was uncertain about how they were receiving the words, but when we went to church the next morning the word was confirmed through the pastor. I was so full of God's love and presence. I felt like I was supposed to be there so when they opened the doors of the church I almost stood up. I stopped and laughed to myself because I am a member of a church. I am a member of the church that is where Greater Blessing sprung forth from. I brushed it aside.
In the months that followed, I continuously felt like I was supposed to go there. I didn't make any movements because I never wanted to live in Tallahassee, I planned to go back to Atlanta with my uncle, and I already had a church that I loved. None of it made sense to me so I just left it alone. The thoughts didn't leave me though.
Last month while visiting Greater Blessings I received a word from the man of God. I was told several things. One of the things that sticks out is about an occupational change. He told me that I was holding up someone else's departure and that when I went to get the job it would be given to me. He also said that God was leading me to the place that I should go. I knew in my heart the word concerned Tallahassee, but I still just didn't want to go.
On Monday, I applied to Leon county schools in Tallahassee. On Tuesday, I was called for an interview. On Wednesday, I was hired on the spot. This is a testament to obedience. There is so much more that can be said about what happened yesterday. My dress broke just before the interview. I had to go to the interview in jeans and flip flops. I was so unsure about myself and about how things were going, etc., etc. The point I'm trying to make with all of this is that when God wants you to do something, do it. Don't hesitate. Don't rationalize it in your mind. Just obey Him and watch while he shows out.
The story begins 3 years ago. My favorite cousin blessed me with tickets to an FSU game. I went with one of my best friends. I had the privilege to visit one of our sister churches (Greater Blessings Tabernacle of Praise) while I was there. I felt an instant connection. Over the past 3 years I have visited often, but recently I started to feel different.
A few months ago, I almost joined the Greater Blessings. I had spent the night before talking to friends about God, prayer, and purpose. I was uncertain about how they were receiving the words, but when we went to church the next morning the word was confirmed through the pastor. I was so full of God's love and presence. I felt like I was supposed to be there so when they opened the doors of the church I almost stood up. I stopped and laughed to myself because I am a member of a church. I am a member of the church that is where Greater Blessing sprung forth from. I brushed it aside.
In the months that followed, I continuously felt like I was supposed to go there. I didn't make any movements because I never wanted to live in Tallahassee, I planned to go back to Atlanta with my uncle, and I already had a church that I loved. None of it made sense to me so I just left it alone. The thoughts didn't leave me though.
Last month while visiting Greater Blessings I received a word from the man of God. I was told several things. One of the things that sticks out is about an occupational change. He told me that I was holding up someone else's departure and that when I went to get the job it would be given to me. He also said that God was leading me to the place that I should go. I knew in my heart the word concerned Tallahassee, but I still just didn't want to go.
On Monday, I applied to Leon county schools in Tallahassee. On Tuesday, I was called for an interview. On Wednesday, I was hired on the spot. This is a testament to obedience. There is so much more that can be said about what happened yesterday. My dress broke just before the interview. I had to go to the interview in jeans and flip flops. I was so unsure about myself and about how things were going, etc., etc. The point I'm trying to make with all of this is that when God wants you to do something, do it. Don't hesitate. Don't rationalize it in your mind. Just obey Him and watch while he shows out.
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