Thank You Lord

I was so overwhelmed at church tonight. I kept thinking about how God healed me. I kept thinking about how I went from constant pain to absolute freedom from pain. God has been so good to me. I was told I would not have a child. I was told I would have a hysterectomy. I was told I would always live in pain. I would always have to be on medication. I thank God that His word was you are healed. I am healed by His stripes. I thank God. I thank God. I thank God.

"A Love Sound"

"A Love Sound"

In a moment of weakness
I called out your name
The sound hit the air
like a suspended brick
The movement
The feeling
of air bending around
a love sound

1/27/11

Tiny Little Pieces

I feel like tiny little pieces of me are being lost every single day. It is kind of like when you pick lint off of a sweater. The sweater is the thing that is supposed to hold all the value. The lint is trash. It's just stuff that no one wants to be bothered with. Tiny little pieces that came from who knows where....

Tiny little pieces of my resolve. Tiny little pieces of my faith. Tiny little pieces of the love I have in my heart. Each piece is being plucked away. Each piece is leaving a hole.

Writer's Block

I realized today that the reason I had a small version of writer's block for the past five months is because I haven't wanted to be so bare. I haven't wanted to just be so open. Something happened and made me feel like being open and being honest was just a waste to time.

I haven't silenced that feeling. It is actually the reason that I'm writing now. Something is really bothering me, but I don't want to talk about it because I don't want it to have value. I don't want anyone in my life to be able to think back on this day and remember my frustration. I don't want to have a conversation that begins and ends with I'm so very sick of simple minded people. So here I sit trying to write while at the same time refusing to give the issue a voice. Isn't it something how ignoring it is somehow giving it a springboard.

Introspective

I spent a few hours last night talking to my friend Pnut. He is the one who really knows how to cut through all of the drama. He is the one who causes me to be introspective. Our conversation wasn't about me at all, but it made me want to know how I would feel walking around in his shoes. How would I feel if I had to face the decisions he has? How would my life be different if I'd made some of the choices he made?

I went to bed thinking about the things that I have accomplished. I wondered about the things that have been just left on the table. I thought most about the fact that they have all been my choices. Now, the last statement holds for me so much more meaning than I care to elaborate on this morning. Of course they were my choices, but I never realized that I chose them all. Not one chose me. It is an amazing discovery that has me wondering what will happen on this day and the next. What will happen now that I no longer plan to choose?

Is It About The Gospel or Standing Before Men?

I have been pondering something for a little while now. Is having the title minister about spreading the gospel or is it about being able to stand up in front of the church. I have been in "minister training" since last year. In the beginning, I was on fire. I was so ready to take on all of the challenges. I made sure that I read my bible and made most of the meetings. I told all of my family and friends about it. At some point, I became disenchanted.

Truth be told I became disenchanted with the process. This statement is not a reflection on those in charge. It is a reflection on me. I didn't understand what I was supposed to be doing. I didn't understand where I was in it all. I also didn't ask. I just went along allowing a small thing to push me further and further away from the goal. I even told myself that my backing away was about something else.

I cheated myself and I cheated those that had come to rely on me for encouragement or scriptural reference. I became so entangled in my own confusion that I created confusion for others. It was only when I couldn't stand the the uncertainty of it all that I began to question myself. Were my motives in the right place? What is the purpose of being called a minister? Could I not witness and operate without the title?

Of course I could. I could go about my life as I have been without so much as a thought to being called anything except Candy. The thing is I have been "called". I have been set aside to do more than sit in the pew. I have been given a task that is greater than my own desires. It surpasses any bout of personal doubt or confusion. I am not convinced that I have it all together, but I know the journey is worth taking.

The Gift I Have

The gift I have has been stifled for the last five months. I have felt unmotivated and even uncaring at times. Who will care if I write or if I choose not to? Whose life is really being impacted by all of this? The answer is simple. Mine. I'm back :)