Good friends

It's good to have good friends. The kind that let you have both your moment to vent (I HATE COPS with nothing to do) and your moment to reflect. The kind that will talk to you until 6 in the morning because you feel like everything is just a little bit too chaotic in your life right now. The kind that will reassure you and help validate your hopes and dreams. The kind that know when you're hurting even when you pretend that you're not.... The kind that know what to say to keep you from hitting a stupid girl in the head with your shoe (even though she really was asking for it)..... The kind that make you feel like you can move past this spot with your ex. The kind that will support you even if you don't.
Last night could have been a disaster, but God blessed me with good friends. My night was a range of things. Many wouldn't have entertained any of it, but when you have good friends........ I don't do shout outs (especially on my blog), but if I did I'd say thanks to my BFF's Mese and Eric. This morning is a little more peaceful thanks to you. Now that it's after 6 and I have finally cleared my mind of all homicidal thoughts......................I'm going to bed. Good morning!

A throwback

I wanted to feel disappointed so I did what I usually do when happiness seems too good to be true. I picked up the phone and called him....my arch nemesis, my soul mate, my friend. He who is the very beginning and end of my aggravation. If he would have stuck to the plan, I would have been satisfied.

After the third ring, I felt safe that I would be thoroughly disappointed. Then it happened. He answered. Disappointment sailed out the window. I didn't know what to say. Of course I wanted to talk to him, but since when have my wants run the show?

I managed "hello". Then I sat there afraid to be happy and too shocked to let disappointment resurface and rule the day. In the span of 10 seconds I realized that I missed him.....really missed him. Missed him the way you miss soul food when you are a slave to Jenny Craig. Missed him so much that my chest hurt, eyes watered, and I cried.

Cried because I remembered all of our arguments. Cried because of all the times we spent together laughing. Cried even more over the months that had kept us apart. Cried so much I forgot he was even there.

After a few minutes, he said my name and it calmed me. I felt like we were heading for a happy place. Felt like nothing would come between us ever again. And with that thought I started crying again. It was such a blessing to be in touch with an old friend.

Sunday

I really love Sundays. Some view it as the start of the week, a time to relax, a time to see family. Sundays for me are all about church, Army Wives, and Law & Order:SVU reruns. When I wake up on Sunday morning I am energized, excited, filled with anticipation. Today was different. I was moody, tired, and I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't sleep well last night. It started with a phone call. It ended with me staying up until 3 watching TV and trying to figure out what the phone call meant. I didn't know then and I don't know now......

I'm tired of not being able to understand what people's intentions are. I'm tired of people saying one thing to me and quickly doing the exact opposite. I'm tired of feeling like I have to second guess my friends. What happened to say what you mean and mean what you say?

Who knew?

Who knew that it was so hard for your best friends to know what's going on in your life. Tonight I'm talking to one of my favorites and he says something that makes me wonder what planet he's living on. Well, he said a couple of things. The first being that I'm totally hot on my blog pic :) The second was that I used to be really into my ex. I thought that was funny. Who said I was not still into my ex? True I don't really talk about him.... actually I don't really even talk to him. But, who said I was not still into him? I guess I missed that memo. Or maybe I wanted other people to miss it.

The thing is it's hard for me to put into words what I feel about him. Some days it's really clear to me. On others I wonder how did we get here? How did everything go from our first lunch date at Applebee's to the random conversations about siblings who never should have been a factor. I think about how it would have been if I hadn't turned around that day. If I had decided to go home instead of having lunch with him. I'd already eaten and I wasn't hungry at all....but I never could turn down food..... The truth is a little more complicated than that. I was looking for something then. I was trying to figure out what really worked for me. He was a part of what I found and a part of what I lost.

Ode to a bonehead

I am a bonehead. I don't mind admitting it. I went to Barnes & Noble and lost my purse. I had just put my niece in the car when I realized I'd lost it. I went back in the store and looked everywhere. I asked the clerks. I searched the faces of all of the people. I walked out defeated. I went back to the car to get my friend's cell phone. I went in again, looked around, searched the faces for suspicious or evasive action. Again I left the store defeated. I walk to the car and my friend says I hear something, but it's not ringing and I don't see your purse. I open the door and there is my purse. Sitting right next to the car seat where I left it. I am a bonehead.

I was both thankful and embarrassed. It almost ruined a perfect day. Almost made me feel like I never should have gone. I'm happy that things turned out the way they did.

When is enough enough?

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I don't think I know when enough is enough. When is it ok to just say no I don't want to do this or no I don't want to do that? Today I had a few things come up. A few possibilities to do or not do something. Everytime I said no I felt bad. I felt like I was letting the ball drop somehow. I had every right to say I can't babysit, I can't do that for you, I can't give you any money, I can't pick you up. I don't know why I felt bad each time. I don't know why I always feel responsible for everybody and everything. I don't know why I can't figure out when enough is enough.

When You Love Somebody

When you love somebody you behave in the strangest ways. You let him talk to you about his stupid ex-girlfriends, you let him question you about what's going on in your life, you let him talk you half to freaking death until you miss Will & Grace. You let him do these things because you miss him and you enjoy the moments listening to the earnestness in his voice.....

I wonder why every time we talk it's about other people. The people that make up pieces of our lives as they are today. I don't want to go back to the way things were. There was a lot wrong between us then. We couldn't communicate. I felt like I couldn't make him happy. He was a nervous ball of energy that was driving me NUTS!!! What I want is something different for the way that we are now. We have been apart for some time. It was my call, but boy has he taken moving on to the next level. He has an ever changing carousel of women. I look at him and he seems happy. He seems to have found whatever it was that wasn't there before. I am happy for him and then I am not.

I try so hard to be philosophical about the whole thing. If he's happy, I'm happy for him. Truth be told that's a load of crap. I appreciate his happiness for what it brings him, but it is hurtful to me. I mean really, who actually wants to see the person they love with someone else? I'm sure I won't get anyone signing up for that club. I am a mess of emotions that I'm sure would come out easier if only I'd had my fix of Karen and Jack (let's face it they are way funnier than Will and Grace). I am without them and food so guess what, GOODNIGHT!

Wonderful Wednesday

It's Wonderful Wednesday and I am tired. I have the most interesting dreams. Only problem is I rarely share them because they are kinda creepy when you think about it. I've been up for the last two hours trying to find a copy of my lease. Yet another one of my creditors is in denial about my current financial state. They want a copy of every bill, a check stub, a copy of the lease, an arm, a leg, a small child if I can produce one. It is all quite a bit ridiculous, but what can you do? I never imagined the school year would start without me having a job.

During my lovely search I found a calendar from 2003. Yes, I am sort of a pack rat, but I'm sure there will be more on that later. I flipped through it to figure out why I kept it. I was a little weirded out when I realized that five years ago today I went on my first date with my ex-fiance. Five years went by so incredibly fast. I didn't know on that day that he'd become my fiance. I didn't know that it would end up being such a delicious little melodrama. All I knew was that a free meal and a night away from my baby cousin was on my horizon. It's funny how things turn out.

Well, I'm off to the post office to mail my latest plea for relief off. Have a wonderful Wednesday!

1st Day of Work

Today is the first day back to work for teachers. I'm awake after only three hours of sleep. I thought I would wake up, file my unemployment for the week, and go to sleep for at least a couple more hours. That's what I thought until the unemployment system would not accept my claim. It seems that the system is down and of course that means the phone number is eternally busy. I feel like I could murder someone or at least commit a petty crime.

The great news is being awake allowed me to call one of my favorite creditors. I have been trying to convince them that I am indeed unemployed for the past two months. The sweet little establishment otherwise known as Best Buy thought I just liked not paying the bill....Let's face it, I want to skip a bill just like the next guy, but I never had. Not with my favorite go to store. Best Buy has gotten me through birthdays, graduations, random Tuesdays. Anyhow, after finally convincing them that I am in fact one of the jobless Americans, I was granted approval for my unemployment claim. It's the best news I've had in a little while.

I don't know what else the first day of work holds for me, but I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Oh and am I the only one that is soooooo over the Olympics already! I'm thinking can we just move on already. And go Aaron Rodgers! You suck. So happy the Packers lost. That was a little mean, but hey I LOVE BRETT FAVRE :0

Day One

Wow! I can't believe it is almost 3 A.M. On the one hand, I'm never asleep at this hour. On the other hand, I probably should be. It all started with me watching Will & Grace reruns. I've become a slave to that show. I'm sitting here thinking how to send two dreaded emails....one to my current BFF and the other to my former BFF. Both of the emails are rather depressing because I can't be there for either of them.

I decided to do something productive and actually start my blog. I've been meaning to do this all summer. I've been meaning to work on my poetry. I've been meaning to work on my book. I've been meaning to...oh, you get the point. I've been pretty lazy all summer. All of that is behind me now just like the summer. I can't get back a moment I spent sleeping, watching reruns, or surfing the net. I'm not sure that I would actually want to. I'd been on overdrive with work for such a long time.

I can't wait to get in the swing of things with this. I can't promise you that I'll always have some deep or profound insight. I can promise you that it will always be me.