Ok, so let me clear this up quickly. "Dumped" is just a word. It doesn't mean anything more than what one individual feels that it means. The short version of it is:
1. I met a great guy.
2. We hung out and seemed to enjoy each other's company.
3. We had a difference of opinion.
4. He didn't want to be bothered anymore.
5. I still think he's a great guy.
Now that that's out of the way.... people should understand that in every situation there is something to be learned and potentially something to be lost. I don't feel like I lost anything. I feel like I learned a little more about my likes and dislikes. The most important thing that I learned was to trust my instincts.
Like all things in my life this was made far easier because I have the greatest friends in the world. My friends don't sit back and watch. They spring into action. My birthday cruise was almost a disaster, but it was salvaged in 3 short hours. I can admit that I had a very high level of anxiety about what would happen. Would I end up on a cruise all alone? Would I end up on a cruise with someone who (great or not) had nothing to say to me? What was my great adventure turning into? How on earth did I get myself into this mess in the first place? Before I even had time to go into full on psycho panic mode, I decided to see who would answer the call. It seemed like mission impossible. What is the likelihood of finding someone who can take a week off their job with one week's notice? I kept receiving decline after decline (or in some cases silence due to the wonderful world of cellphones). It seemed like a lost cause until just like that it wasn't.
I found myself sitting in my friend's apartment with 20 minutes to spare. He was my last hope. That's a little bit hilarious because in so many ways he has always been my first choice. Anyhow, he let me sweat it out for 11 whole minutes before he gave the word and said make the call. I wanted to hug him or kiss him or something besides just jump up and start dialing the travel agent. I wanted to, but I didn't because he's my friend. I love that and I love him. It's just in that moment I saw the possibility that has sat before us before and will no doubt creep its way in again. He is the fulfillment of a possibility that was presented to me in a time when I didn't know who I was or where I was going. I don't know what else to say about that so I won't say anything at all.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
If I Was Yours and You Were Mine
The past few days have been an absolute roller coaster emotionally. I haven't been able to process it all, but I'm trying. I keep thinking about what it feels like to be a part of something that is bigger than just you. When it works it's the most comforting feeling in the world. When it doesn't it's like wide open space....nothing is measurable...nothing is enough.
Last night I saw both the promise and the pain flash before me. There was nothing I could do. No way to explain. I was there, but not in the moment. I was surrounded by the sound of what was, while listening to the voice of what could be. There was nothing I could do and really there was nothing I wanted to do. Maybe, I wanted to put it on pause. Stop the voices. No, I'm not talking about hearing voices. It was a déjà vu moment. A comment triggered something that had happened just as it was happening then and I was stuck in the worse kind of paradox.
Driving around lost in the middle of the night only made the whole thing worse. I kept thinking if I were yours, this wouldn't' be happening. If I was the one you saw when you fell asleep or when you lie awake.....If I was the one who held your heart.....if, if, if. No resolution. I found that being lost could serve as a metaphor for the whole thing. I knew where I needed to go, but I made one wrong turn and then I didn't know how to get there or why it was even supposed to matter anymore.
I made one wrong turn and now I'm sitting here on this blog that I neglect trying to rewrite an ending that I never saw coming and have regretted every since. What would've happened if I'd stayed? What would've happened if I never took the wrong turn in the road? What will happen if I really am yours and you really are mine?
Last night I saw both the promise and the pain flash before me. There was nothing I could do. No way to explain. I was there, but not in the moment. I was surrounded by the sound of what was, while listening to the voice of what could be. There was nothing I could do and really there was nothing I wanted to do. Maybe, I wanted to put it on pause. Stop the voices. No, I'm not talking about hearing voices. It was a déjà vu moment. A comment triggered something that had happened just as it was happening then and I was stuck in the worse kind of paradox.
Driving around lost in the middle of the night only made the whole thing worse. I kept thinking if I were yours, this wouldn't' be happening. If I was the one you saw when you fell asleep or when you lie awake.....If I was the one who held your heart.....if, if, if. No resolution. I found that being lost could serve as a metaphor for the whole thing. I knew where I needed to go, but I made one wrong turn and then I didn't know how to get there or why it was even supposed to matter anymore.
I made one wrong turn and now I'm sitting here on this blog that I neglect trying to rewrite an ending that I never saw coming and have regretted every since. What would've happened if I'd stayed? What would've happened if I never took the wrong turn in the road? What will happen if I really am yours and you really are mine?
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