Change Has Come

I'm moving to Atlanta and I'm sure this comes as a shock to some people. There is no easy way to explain what happened, but since someone told me they are still working on a BA, I will try not to be too deep.

In October I started feeling like I couldn't take the sitting around looking for a job anymore. I started feeling like everything was closing in on me. The bills were mounting and I didn't know what to do except pray. I kept asking God what to do and where to turn. I didn't get the answers that I felt like I wanted, but He kept showing me that He was going to take care of everything no matter how bad it seemed.

I kept feeling like I should move away for a while, but in my head I kept feeling like if I left I would be abandoning my church. I love my church. It is the place that God decided to heal me. It is the place that He has been teaching me how to live and how to love. People kept saying to me "there are churches everywhere". Those people don't understand Westcoast. It is more than a building. It is more than singing, and fellowship. It is my home. As a child, God introduced me to salvation. But what I have now is something different. It is more than I ever thought. I couldn't bear the thought of losing what I had so recently found.

Recently, I had lunch with my dear friend and mentor. God used her to set aside my fears. Again, it was not the answer that I sought, but I know that he was saying it was ok for me to go. I am extremely sad and excited all at once. I am faced with uncertainty even as I am sure of my decision. I have more to say, but sadness is winning the battle so until next time.

See the Possibilities

I don't know quite where to start. I am feeling a little tired, but I've been thinking for the past few days about where I am in my life and where I stand with some people. I have the best friends that ANYONE could ever hope for. One of them is responsible for my present calm. In case you didn't know, I love Marcie Ryan. Marcie is the kind of person who few people appreciate in the right way.

I met Marcie in homeroom class in the 9th grade. Nothing that happened then prepared me for the way I feel about her now. I remember thinking that she was so upbeat all the time. I often wondered why this was. I think in a way I thought she had no problems. The truth is she has problems just like everybody else. She's suffered loss and unbelievable heartache. But, she's so strong and she's such a fighter. She takes her licks and gets right back up to do it all again just because she believes that there is something good in this world just for her.

I love her and she doesn't know it, but she's helped me to be a better person. She's helped me to step outside of myself and see possibilities where I thought there were none. I can't think of the right words to really express what it is that she does for my spirit. I just felt like the world should know that she is someone special.....and not because her actions facilitated one of my best weekends in a long time (wink, wink) but because she's always there loving me and being the piece in my life that so many long to have.

On My Own Terms

I'm finally back in my own space. The drive was great. It only took 6 hours and 20 minutes. Yes, I was speeding. I spent most of the drive talking to one of my best girlfriends. She pretty much hates the Internet and has never read my blog so I had to catch her up.

I feel so much better now that the drive is behind me. I decided to stick it out. I've known him my whole life and that's a long time to know someone and love them. I kept thinking about what it must be like to be him. I can imagine, but I'll never know what it's like to feel like I just have to keep drinking. I'll never know what it's like to not be able to put a drink down and just live. I know that there are many rough days ahead. Truthfully, most of them are already behind me. I've experienced so many things with him through the years. If I had to make a list, the bad things (all a result of drinking) outweighed the good a long time ago. I keep hanging in because I believe that everyone can turn it around. It may take him longer than I'd like, but I'll still be there at the end.

Accepting Defeat

For the past week I've been watching one of my very best friends drink his life away. He is an alcoholic and even though I've known this for years, I can't help but be heartbroken by it.

I decided to come here to visit him because I felt like he was slipping into depression. I felt like he was retreating inside of himself. I felt like I could help. He'd spent Christmas, his birthday, and new years by himself. I thought that it was a sign that he was lonely. I thought I heard him crying out for help when we talked. I thought alot of things, but in hindsight I think I was being had. I think that each and every time we talked he was drunk. I know that being drunk doesn't mean a person is not sincere. I also know that sometimes every word from the mouth of a drunk is a load of B.S. I'm sad because I no longer know the difference with him.

My coming here was a surprise. For the first couple of days I believed that it was a very touching moment for him to see me standing there. Yesterday he told me that he was still buzzed from drinking all day when I arrived. I felt a part of me sink on the inside. He didn't say it wasn't special. He didn't say it didn't matter, but to me it no longer did. Yesterday a part of our friendship died. Despite being here all week, it was the first time that I noticed just how much he was drinking. It started at around 11. By the time we got ready to leave (around 6:30), he had been drinking nonstop all day. I wanted to say something, but there were no words. I just felt like every drink was chipping away at me. It hurt me to watch him. It hurt me to feel powerless.

I didn't know that it would get worse. He drank 4 beers before the end of the 1st quarter. I watched him and said nothing. It become so much for me that I couldn't watch the game anymore. I just sat watching him drink beer after beer. He smiled at me once. I guess he could see that something was bothering me. He probably never imagined it was him. By the time we left my uncle's house, he drank 8 beers.

I tried to let it go, but I couldn't. After talking to him about it, I realized what I had been hiding from for years. He IS an alcoholic. The most important thing in his life is drinking. Our friendship is not as important as his next drink. He told me that if the tables were turned, he'd walk away from his alcoholic friend and live his life. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do anything right now. Tomorrow, I go home. I have one day to decide what this goodbye will mean. I am utterly lost and so unwilling to accept defeat.

It's All About Me

I haven't written in a while because it's funny how a blog called "A Day in the Life" could be interpreted as being about anyone but me. No less than 10 people have written me or called to ask if a post was about them. At first I answered individually, but here it is for the world to see:

My bog is ALL ABOUT ME! Deal with it or stop reading it.

Go Seminoles!!!