Accepting Defeat

For the past week I've been watching one of my very best friends drink his life away. He is an alcoholic and even though I've known this for years, I can't help but be heartbroken by it.

I decided to come here to visit him because I felt like he was slipping into depression. I felt like he was retreating inside of himself. I felt like I could help. He'd spent Christmas, his birthday, and new years by himself. I thought that it was a sign that he was lonely. I thought I heard him crying out for help when we talked. I thought alot of things, but in hindsight I think I was being had. I think that each and every time we talked he was drunk. I know that being drunk doesn't mean a person is not sincere. I also know that sometimes every word from the mouth of a drunk is a load of B.S. I'm sad because I no longer know the difference with him.

My coming here was a surprise. For the first couple of days I believed that it was a very touching moment for him to see me standing there. Yesterday he told me that he was still buzzed from drinking all day when I arrived. I felt a part of me sink on the inside. He didn't say it wasn't special. He didn't say it didn't matter, but to me it no longer did. Yesterday a part of our friendship died. Despite being here all week, it was the first time that I noticed just how much he was drinking. It started at around 11. By the time we got ready to leave (around 6:30), he had been drinking nonstop all day. I wanted to say something, but there were no words. I just felt like every drink was chipping away at me. It hurt me to watch him. It hurt me to feel powerless.

I didn't know that it would get worse. He drank 4 beers before the end of the 1st quarter. I watched him and said nothing. It become so much for me that I couldn't watch the game anymore. I just sat watching him drink beer after beer. He smiled at me once. I guess he could see that something was bothering me. He probably never imagined it was him. By the time we left my uncle's house, he drank 8 beers.

I tried to let it go, but I couldn't. After talking to him about it, I realized what I had been hiding from for years. He IS an alcoholic. The most important thing in his life is drinking. Our friendship is not as important as his next drink. He told me that if the tables were turned, he'd walk away from his alcoholic friend and live his life. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do anything right now. Tomorrow, I go home. I have one day to decide what this goodbye will mean. I am utterly lost and so unwilling to accept defeat.