Anjanette

I had the kind of day that seemed destined to end up bad. I woke up before the alarm because I was having a bad dream. I can't really remember what happened, but it was something physical because my back was hurting and I was very uncomfortable. This made is so difficult to get out of bed. It was like my back hurts, it's cold, and nothing good really happens when I go to job fairs anyway. But, I drug myself out of bed and decided to put on something pretty to jump start my day.

I arrived at the job fair and momentarily thought I'd beat the crowd. When I saw the line, I wanted to turn around and get in the car. It was ridiculous. There are just not enough words in the English language to describe how many people were in the line. My spirits went back to where they were when I woke up. Thankfully, I was in line next to one of the nicest ladies. She was a mom and maybe I was putting off the I need to be mothered vibe or maybe she's just awesome. I don't care which because with a few words she changed the course of my day for the rest of the day.

Anjanette gave me advice and a smile....a genuine smile. The kind that was effortless. I appreciated it so much that I took it with me to booth after booth. I held it in my heart when being told that my resume sucked (it helped that I already totally felt like this). Anjanette was with me and she is with me now as I am typing this. I have no idea if I will ever see her again, but our brief time made such a profound impression on me.

Now, to the other part of the day. I had lunch with a new friend. It was really nice and sweet. It was easy just enjoying the space and being me. I was sad to hear that he will be in my space for only a short time. Hopefully I will carry the memory of our day together in the same way that I am carrying Anjanette.

Things that make you go.....

So I'm sitting here first of all majorly annoyed because I've spent what equals up to hours out of my life have "conversations" with someone who couldn't pick me out of a line up if his life depended on it. Now, looks are so superficial. It's just who talks to someone if they don't know what they look like. In defense of this young man, I am not assuming he's trying to get with me or anything like that. I think he just likes talking to me in a general sense. I am just beyond annoyed that he doesn't know what I look like. Here I thought I was unforgettable. Anyhow, I don't want to write about that anymore because I'm mad, mad, mad.

I'm also wondering why one friend hides my existence from his gf, another kisses me (in a friendly sort of way) in front of his gf, and yet another puzzling male just seems stuck in teenage crushville. I told my sister that since catching the bouquet things have gotten really really weird. The boys I know have completely gone made.

What makes me laugh is yet another (yes, I have a lot of male friends) who wants to hang out, but doesn't seem to know what to say to me to get it to happen. It is all quite hilarious to me especially seeing that I am the poster child for single. I am without romantic attachment, yet I have all of this strange behavior. In the grand scheme of things, I'd love to be with someone. It would have to be the right someone. I think in my present state of mind I'd just laugh and be annoyed with any Mr. Right Nows.

Alone in a Room

It is so easy to lose count of the words you say and the things you do. It is so easy to find yourself stuck having feelings that you have no idea where they originated from or why they are so strong. This week has been a bit lonely and introspective. It is amazing how something that was once billed as the great adventure could turn into just a whole lot of empty space.

I have been in Atlanta all week. I have been alone with my thoughts and alone with my journals. My journals are probably far scarier than the thoughts I have now. I read them and I'm sad. I don't even know the person who wrote those things. It is different from not remembering her. I simply don't know her. She is as foreign to me as you could possibly get. Yet, I read her words and I am so sad for her. I am so sad that I couldn't be there for her. I'm so sad that she gave so much of herself for nothing. She loved so hard and the only thing she ever got for her trouble was heartbroken.

I envy her though. She was often hurting so bad, but she wasn't afraid to just keep trying. If she liked a boy, she would wrestle with it in her mind and then jump in heart first. If she wanted to try something new, she would. She was completely out of control, but I envy her because she had no idea how strong she really was.

The tears and disappointments were shaping her into this woman who is more confident, but deathly afraid of risks. She was creating the woman who is typing this. The one who just spent a week by herself wondering what on earth am I doing? Where am I going with this? What am I supposed to do next? I have pondered many things and I have no answers only more questions. I feel completely helpless when there should be some sense of empowerment. I don't know. I've had a few laughs, ran down memory lane, and still I am lost. I am so at home, but I have no home.

My uncle is great by the way. He hasn't been all up in my face trying to force me to talk about it or anything. He just offers me my favorite cereal and gives me the space I need to just figure it out. I love him for not being one of those in your face people, but it is the gift and the curse. I need a sounding board. I need something to happen.... I bought a megamillions ticket today. Maybe I'm about to be a millionaire. Maybe I'm just about to be stuck in another aimless day.

For Cameron

Ok so I know that you guys are like wow we are getting a ton of stuff all of a sudden. Well, I'm just inspired I guess. I love love and I love love music. If you haven't experienced the HLP Love Campaign, you are really missing out. It would be silly of me to try to put it into words so I won't.

The previous post about leaving doors cracked as opposed to closing them has been on my mind all day. I met the author of that post seven years ago. My life was changed when we met. Cameron is such a special person. There are many things that I could say about him. I love him because he's always been just Cameron. We were always comfortable with each other without pretense. It is crazy because I was meant to meet him, but it almost didn't happen.

My girlfriend was dating his brother and they were stopping through town to visit her. She was called away at the last minute and needed someone to entertain them in her absence. I didn't want to. I told her as much. I'd never met either of them and really I just did not want to rearrange my day to fit in two strange men. But she was my friend and that means that regardless of how I felt about it, it had to be done.

I remember that day just like I'm living it now. It was easy with him even from hello. He has a way about him. He's a charmer, but that isn't what stood out. It was the part of him that's underneath the smile and the good looks. I was drawn to him as I am now because he is me and I am him. I love Cameron Haney and I'm so happy that we are friends.

" leaving a door cracked is not the same as closing it" by Cameron Haney

My friend Cameron wrote this to his blog. It is really good. Hope you like it.


leaving a door cracked is not the same as closing it, but usually that is exactly what we do in life.... a so called safety net, call it lying to ourselves, but the bottom line is that we leave ourselves with a way back in... usually to doors that REALLY need to be closed. for instance when it comes to vices and relationships...., say you have a porn addiction, you stop watching it, but u keep em in your room.... is it just in case?.... u r leaving the door cracked, it's not closed, if u really don't want it anymore, then throw it out!!.... or in relationships, u say I'm done with him or her, i wont call them anymore.... but u leave the their number in your phone....for what, your are giving things a way in...they say when a door closes God opens another.... then you sit wondering why it hasn't happened, why God hasn't giving you that man or that woman you have been asking him for... it is because God can't open a door until the first one is CLOSED... and cracked is not closed... sometimes you block your own blessing, by trying to do it your way, on your terms, not God's, when u really need to just get out of the way!..... they say if u don't want the fruits of sin, stay out of the devil orchard...... most of us pride ourselves of not eating the fruit but we are still in the orchard...... still flirting with it, still fooling ourselves... this happens with people, relationships, every aspects of our lives. We are playing the hokie pokie with God, you know, one foot in, one foot out. meeting someone new but still calling casually callin the person u were tryin to let go of.. leaving the door cracked. it's like making up the bed but not changing the sheets... it's not really clean...... that's why some people, never grow, never move forward, we are so comfortable with our lives even the misery in it, that we hold on to the familiar, even when its not healthy for us. we fool ourselves to think we r moving on or have moved on, but we wont till we let go of our safety nets, or what they really are, our anchors.....

Notes from Round Up 2008 (12/19/08)

A few things that must happen if you are to stand in the gap.

1. Produce the fruit of the righteousness of God.
2. You must lay some things aside. You can't have one foot in the world and one in the church. You have to leave some things at the door.
3. Receive the word. God will fill whatever you empty. He can only fill those things that are yielded to Him. Receive with meekness.
4. You must be doers of the word. Let God change your heart.

Thoughts

Today I spent the day with my niece. It was a little bit of retail therapy for her. It was therapeutic for me, but certainly for different reasons. She is a puzzling creature. She is so full of potential, but she'd rather just sit around and watch life pass her by. She is only 15 but she is already so much like many people I know. She is also me at times.

I enjoyed being with her because I was able to stop thinking about the art of being together. I've had several conversations and way too many thoughts about togetherness this week. I haven't quite figured out how to put it in a way that translates into my blog. It's like I have been dissecting my relationships. No, I'm not dissecting my male/female relationships. I'm dissecting the family dynamic, my friendships, and my acquaintances.

I feel like I'm in a good place with things I just keep remembering how things started and how some other things ended. I don't have regrets about anything. I guess its kinda like nostalgia. I can see the beginning. I can see so many things in between. It is like the memories are coming from everywhere. I don't really understand what the thoughts are all about.

I guess it could be about perspective. I have a lot of great friends, but then there are also a lot of people that I've invested in with no return. Or I invested and they just flaked out somewhere along the line. It is puzzling to me.

When Faced With A Difficult Decision

When faced with a difficult decision the first thing you should do is run away to the Bahamas! I had a great time this week. It was in so many ways just what the doctor ordered. I was able to eat massive amounts of food, sleep in the sun, and meet a bunch of crazy people. The fact that I had a friend with me was a bonus. We hung out, but not in the cling on way that it would have been if we were a couple. He was there for me, but he was totally free to roam and do whatever....and he did, but that's his business so I won't tell it.

Anyway, the day before my trip was really heart wrenching and emotionally draining. I woke up knowing that something was up. It happens like that with me quite a bit. I pay close attention if it happens on a church day. Typically it means that God has something just for me. This past Sunday was one of those days. I arrived at church and made the mistake of sitting too close to gossip row. It was an honest mistake. I really just wanted to be close to Jessica. She and I were less than 24 hours from celebrating our birthdays and hey I love Jessica so that is reason enough. The problem is my teacher ears were on fine tune and I heard every word of certain people's conversations. It annoyed me to know end and before I knew it I was thinking I should have just stayed home because soon I will not be here anyway. I had a little pain in my heart with that thought, but they were on my last nerve.

It all began to take shape for me when my pastor had his son and daughter sing this song. It's an old song by James Cleveland called "I Walk With God". They did an awesome job of singing the devil right out of my spirit. The song touched me in a way that doesn't happen all the time. I had goosebumps and it was like God was preparing me. Had I known that I would hear a word that would lead to me calling first the assistant pastor and then the pastor in a fit of tears, I might have gotten up and left right then. Not because the outcome was unfavorable, but because I was overwhelmed with grief.

Every word in the sermon that followed the song, struck something inside of me. I was angry when it was over because I knew then that I was faced with a difficult decision. I knew that Atlanta was not the move I was supposed to be making. I knew, but I was in an absolute panic and all of the things that I'd held in since I decided to go came rushing to the forefront. When it was over, I had said some really mean things to my sister and been comforted by the truth from a friend. Luckily for me my sister knows that I go into all out rebel mode when I don't really want to accept something and she loves me so all was forgiven. But there was still the matter of Atlanta.

The whole time I was on my trip I kept hearing Tsadok singing "for the key to my success is that I walk with God". All week I heard that. I heard it during breakfast. I heard it while I was walking along the deck admiring beauty of the ocean. I heard it as I walked along the streets in Nassau. I even heard it in my sleep. I have not been able to escape it. It is only now that I am realizing the difficulty in staying isn't about the fact that I sold or gave away EVERYTHING. It's not about the fact that all of my clothes and mementos are safely at my uncle's house awaiting my return. The difficulty is accepting that I'm not in control. I made a decision, but I was never in control. Walking with God isn't about me taking the lead. It's about being willing to follow Him through whatever the journey is.

I had to sell my stuff. I had to do all of it to get to this point. I have no idea what happens next. I don't know where I'm going to live and I still don't have a job. What I do have is a leader who I am willing to follow.