When He Speaks

So this is the first follow up to "At His Word". It is called when he speaks because this morning I felt so alive just replaying his words. I just realized that this is going to be a little like yesterday's post because what I want to say so perfectly lines up. Let me try to get this out.

Have you ever met someone who was so tuned in to the spirit that their words were like God's words? Their thoughts were so profound that it was like God himself had to place it there and twist and turn it around? Their actions revealed the very essence of what being for God was all about... This is the way this man is. He is so passionate about God that when he speaks I feel God. I feel his desire to be like the Father. It is awesome for me because I've never had that in a relationship. I've never been able to say this is truly a man after God's own heart. I didn't know how valuable that was or how valuable it would make me feel.

When he speaks, I am renewed. I am hopeful. I am able to breathe again. When he speaks.....

At His Word

I have been thinking three words all day today. "At His Word" At his word means so much because there is more than one way to look at it. I came to Tallahassee "at His word". I became a minister "at His word". I live and breathe "at His word". The thing is today the phrase kind of has a new sound. It's more like "at his word". I want to expand the thought, but I'm afraid to even know what it means. Stay tuned...

Family

The holidays are always a special time in my family. We come together to laugh and celebrate being together. It is always an absolute love fest. I look forward to Thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family and Christmas with my mom's. This is the first year in 35 that my holiday is going to look a little different. A little is truly an understatement. I am not even going to be in the same state with anyone in my "family".

I am spending my first holiday away from the shelter of mom, dad, aunts, and uncles. I have been so completely happy about the person that I am going to be with that I had forgotten about those that I will be leaving behind. I guess it's going to be bitter sweet.... I say that I guess because it seems like the statement that is "supposed" to go there. I am supposed to feel some since of sadness. Truthfully, I am just happy. I am happy to be embarking on this new journey with my new family.

He is my family. He is in every single sense of the word and I am thankful and amazed that he has opened himself up to me.... He is my family. :) I think that's about all I have to say about that.

Existing

So it would seem that I am back in the saddle on this little blog of mine. This morning I am motivated by two young people that are very important to me. They are young and in love and they are doing their best to navigate this thing called life. They face challenges everyday just like the rest of us, but I admire them because they don't back down. I admire them because they just keep fighting for what they feel like is important. I admire them because they have decided that living a life together is far more important than just existing.

Many of us choose to exist. We choose to give reasons why we can't move forward. We qualify everything without trying anything. At the end of the day we miss out on so much. We miss out on experiences. We miss out on growth. We miss out on love. We waste the time that we have been given because we are so afraid of getting it wrong. We are so afraid of being hurt again. So afraid of being disappointed. And though we don't admit it...would never imagine it was true, the thing we are most afraid of is being loved.

The Backup Plan

I guess I was supposed to have a backup plan. I was supposed to know that my summer wouldn't turn out the way I hoped. I was supposed to know that disappointment would lead to an indescribable feeling of elation. Really? How could I know that before the summer was out my grandfather would be gone? He left us but I haven't dealt with it. I haven't figured out how to. I didn't know his death would fall smack dab in the middle of one of the best summers of my life. I don't know that it mattered at least not in a practical sense.

His passing made me reflective but it also opened me up to receive love in a different way. I can't explain how amazing it was to watch people circle around me and just love away the spot that was missing him. I think about it and I know that I am truly blessed. In that there came a renewing of sorts.

I nurtured a friendship that had gotten stale. I let go of a few that no longer had purpose. I opened my heart to the possibility of love. With all of that happening (haphazardly just like these words) I forgot that even in the middle of it all can come things that stop you. Things that change you. Things that cause you to think long and hard about a backup plan. I don't have one. I don't want one. And I know that maybe I need one. Maybe I need to think long and hard about what might happen if? But I can't or just won't anymore. And with that I'm done.

Thank-you to all my loyal readers. I wanted to recap this summer. I even had some thoughts spinning around in my mind. This certainly wasn't one of them, but it is what it is. I'm going to take a break from writing here for a while. Just know that I am moving forward come what may.

Listen

The hardest thing for most people to do is just listen. Listen to the feelings and the words that are being expressed. Listen to the tempo in a person's voice. Listening requires you to set aside your agenda and focus, really and truly focus on the sound coming from someone else. The hardest thing for people to do is listen to the hello that was missing. The goodbye that came too soon. The words in between would have tipped you off if you weren't busy not listening to you.

An ode to Janet or Michael or whoever truly inspired "You"

Loving You Is Easy

Insomnia has me turning my feelings over in my mind. I have tried to imagine it. On the inside I know it exists, but at the moment I can't remember not loving you. I can't remember not having you as my friend. I can't remember that it was my idea to forget anything you ever did that made me feel anything but love. You let me cry and made me laugh. You helped me to be a girl and allowed me the space to grow into a woman. You have a piece of me and I am all that you are. My heart belongs to you and no time or distance will change our love. You are priceless. You are beautiful. You are special. You are Larren. You are Ramese. You are Shevin. You are Hope. You are Jaime. You are Alicia. You are Sandy. You are Elijah.You are Addie. You are Willie. You are Terrence. You are Charles. You are Eric. You are Monique. You are LaToya. You are Carl. You are Cameron. You are Anthony. You are Tia. You are Adrianne. You are Jessica. You are pieces of the love that has carried me through these years. I open my arms and I feel the warmth of your embrace. I know that loving you has helped sustain me. It has made me so happy just being a part of your love.

My Love Is Like A River Peaceful And Deep

Last night I was put on the spot. The question sounded fairly simple. "Do you love me?" I wanted to answer, but I took the easy way out and smiled. I smiled with my mouth, but it was the thing that happened with my eyes and with my body that should have betrayed my answer. My eyes said yes, my arms said hold me, and my mouth was quiet. It was quiet when all that was needed was yes. It was quiet because yes is not big enough for the feelings that I have. Yes does nothing for the moments when our eyes meet and I am calm and thrilled in the same instant.

My thoughts of you are round and messy and yes doesn't cover how it feels to miss you before you are even gone. Yes does nothing for the moments when I wonder how God shaped your hair, your mouth, and your eyes. What would yes do except complicate a completely simplistic exchange? Do I love you? Do I love you? Do I love you? Of course I love you unless then again I don't. ;)

It's Not What I Do, It's What I need.

This weekend has taught me some things about how people grieve. I always knew that each of us had our own way of going about things, but it was never so telling than this weekend. I spent the night that my grandfather died on a rooftop listening to music and watching people who looked like they hadn't a care in the world. There was a wide range of ages and ethnicities. Everyone united in a single quest to have fun.

I had fun. I had fun and for those few hours I didn't think about missing Pop or my mom being sad or anything really. I just thought about how my feet hurt and how I have some pretty amazing friends. My friends always seem to step right in without prompting. They seem to know that sometimes grief doesn't look like tears. Sometimes it looks like two friends sitting on a rooftop.

Mr. Lyle

Yesterday I celebrated with another of my friends. It was Courtney's wedding day. There were smiles and quite a few tears. I sat there feeling a little detached from it all. It was like I didn't want to think too hard about her mother's tears. I didn't want to think about how much I knew she missed Mr. Lyle.

Mr. Lyle is Courtney's dad. He was killed in an accident 6 months ago. He was there with us in every smile. He was there when her sons led her down the aisle. He was there, but I felt his absence hanging over me. I wanted him to see how pretty she looked. I wanted him to sit and look over at her in that way that only dads do. I know that he was with us but this morning I miss him still.

So Anxious

I have a little over 24 hours left before my great departure for the summer. I am beyond ready to go. I have been sitting in this wonderful class thinking why on earth did I sign myself up for this torture. The days have been long and almost unbearable. But, the thing that has kept me going is know that I am so close to the end.

This summer represents so many things. A part of it is freedom. If I am real with myself, it is more about getting back. I have been getting closer and closer to what I have affectionately termed the climax. The climax...the combination of what was and what is in front of me. I get goosebumps thinking about it. The climax...that point where well to be frank I climax. LOL! I love the play on words. I love that everything around me is changing. Everything is pushing me toward a place that will move me from my current state of happiness to the ultimate state of bliss.

Sweet

How would you know that you felt bitter if you had never known sweet? I learned some things this past week that has me in a new head space. I am still foggy on a few things, but I had the opportunity to sit and share with Adrianne, Camille, and Talethia. Each conversation was rich and nourishing and insightful. Each one of them lent me an ear to process the things that God had been showing me about me. I was bitter, but now I am free of that emotion. I am free of needing to feel like I missed out on something. I can now appreciate the things that I've gained. I can appreciate the mistakes. I can appreciate the journey. It is so freeing to know that all of it has made me a little bit wiser. And wisdom is truly invaluable.

Bitter

This morning I found myself wrestling with a feeling that I don't often have. I felt utterly and completely bitter. I tried to whisper a prayer about it. I tried texting a friend, but the feeling just kept lingering around like an unwelcomed guest at a party. That image is so annoying because my life right now is just that. I am in party mode. I have been celebrating so many wonderful milestones. I have been enjoying my days. I have just been so happy. But bitter has a way of sneaking up on you. Bitter doesn't knock on the door and ask permission to be let in. Bitter just creeps in through the window or a back door. Bitter has had me in a funk all day and I am desperately seeking a way for bitter to exit the building.

It's the Last Day of School.....

....let the tomfoolery begin!

It's All in Purple, Pink, Green, and Black

People love to say I have it right here in black and white. We use this statement to prove something to someone who unwittingly doesn't know that we have written proof to back up our claims. Well, I have written proof to substantiate some things. The only thing is it's written in purple, pink, green, and black. It is a diary of mine that I wrote my junior year.

I often speak about my senior year and how I just can't understand that girl. I recall things about her. I read the words that I wrote, but her motivation has always been a bit of a mystery even to me. I had forgotten about the things that shaped me. I had forgotten about my junior year.

Junior year was the year that I faded and became quite a bit jaded with love. The year began with me writing about being happy and hanging out with friends. It seemed that all I wanted to do was talk on the phone and go to the mall. Junior year was also the time when I had so much hope and so many dreams about this boy that I was sure that I loved. I wrote about him in simple, yet beautiful words. But junior year was also the year that I realized that the feelings I had were bigger than just one person. In junior year I fell for all the boys! Lol! There was Willie, Kevin, a pair of Chris', Kat, Elijah, and as always Shevin. I wrote about them in ways that were new to me. Everything about it was fresh and exciting. I didn't feel limited. I didn't feel like I had to put my feelings in a little box. I was completely at ease saying I like him and I like him too. But then, junior year was also a year of great loss.

I look back on it now and it's clear that problem with the little lost girl from my senior year was she no longer felt like her feelings were just o.k. She somehow lost the ability to just stand up and say you know what this is how I feel. This is what is on the inside and it doesn't have to make sense to you. This is just who I am. In the past few weeks I've felt a lot like Candy from senior year. I've felt like I was being forced to choose to love one way or the other. Revisiting Candy from junior year was a great thing because I know that it's alright if I don't want to choose one or the other. The only thing I have to choose to be is happy.

She Thinks I'm Driving Her Nuts

She thinks I'm driving her nuts, but really I'm going crazy too. I mean this whole thing is just sooooo...I don't know. It's easy, but it's hard. It's messy, but it's neat. It is magnificent and just plain blah. It's the thing I wanted for such a long time and now it just feels like something else should be happening. LOL!

I know that these ramblings are jumbled and they don't really make a lot of sense to the majority of my readers, but it makes sense to me. I realized last night that I am in the middle of moment. I wake up feeling warm and fuzzy on the inside. I smile at the memories of friday nights at games and all day movie sessions on holidays. I get flustered because I can't remember the first kiss, or the details of every phone call. I drive myself nuts analyzing the details. Then in a moment when I am totally outdone, I remember that I can't forget the love.

It's no longer about the phone call that was interrupted or the distance. It is and has always been about love and I'm so alright with that.

Happy

I am so happy. I am looking forward to spending my first summer just hanging out. I am looking forward to not worrying about work or class or anything. I am looking forward to going to the beach, eating breakfast at Peach's, and savoring cheesecake from Demetrios.
I am so close to having everything be just as I've always wanted and it feels great. I wake up in the morning and I am calm. I am sure about so many things.... I am still riding the high of my amazing weekend at home...I am reflective and hopeful and just happy

The Sacrifice

This is the Friday of a week filled with sleepless nights. I can't say that it has been a bad situation because being awake each night gave me an opportunity to think and pray. There are so many things going on in the world right now. There are so many situations that would be changed if we prayed more.....

This is the day that people around the world acknowledge the sacrifice that Jesus made. This is the day that we reflect on his passing. I am having a bit of a hard time writing this. My mind is being pulled in so many directions. I am having a scatter brained moment, but I will try to press through.

I feel like I have a responsibility to....try to write when there are a few less thoughts on my mind.

Look Both Ways Before You Walk

So this morning has been nuts! It all started out with this guy at my job. He is a pretty nondescript person in general. I see him quite often and it's never anything to write home to mom about. Today, as I walked out of the office, I walked right into him. Wow! Was about all I could say. It was like seeing him for the very first time. It was a perfect package. I was pretty much speechless.

So much so that I walked to my room in an almost fog. The fog lifted when a young man hit me in my face. Yes, I said he hit me. He hit me hard. It was a direct blow to my left eye. It was horrible, but it was also an accident. LOL! I was so busy just walking along that I walked right into the path of him lifting his arms. I was so surprised that I just stood there for a moment holding my face. He was very apologetic about the whole thing. We both actually looked like we were near tears. I because of the throbbing eye and he because he really was a nice kid. I guess the moral of the story is something that we all learned as kids. Look both ways before you walk!

Everything in my life.....BETTER!

There have been 101 days in 2011 and I can truly say that everything in my life is BETTER! We have a little call and response that we do at Greater Blessings. The praise leader sings “everything in my life” and we yell BETTER! A few Sundays ago we were saying it and tears began streaming down my face. It was not just me saying the words. It was a personal truth. A truth that occurred to me in that moment, but only really settled in to my psyche today during the long drone of FCAT testing.

I was staring out at the kids thinking when will this come to an end when the words began to play in my head. Everything in my life…BETTER! BETTER! BETTER! It got so good to me that I almost screamed BETTER! right in the middle of testing. I semi like my job and I love my paycheck, so I found a way to refrain from doing that.

I remembered our January 1st service. Pastor Harvey told me that I was supposed to be happy every day. REGARDLESS. I am so happy that I have been and that I am. I had an opportunity to look over some of the notes that I've written and word after word has manifested in my life. I am back in the swing of the things that God set before me to do. It is amazing how just lining up with God's will can take you to places you've never imagined for yourself. Everything in my life...BETTER!

No Is An Answer Just Like Yes

So this past few weeks has been one busy day after another. It has been a bit hectic, but last night provided a much needed moment of reflection. I met this great guy at prison ministry. He was a part of the group we were mentoring. He told a testimony of how God was with him when he was on the run for five years. It was so inspiring because he talked of God in a way that most Christians fail to. He talked of God and I felt like he was taking ownership of his relationship with Him.

It was so awesome to hear the young man recite Psalm 91. Recite is probably not the appropriate word. There was no sense of rote memory. It was like he had taken the words and hidden them in his heart. He even said to us that he felt the words were a part of him. I was so grateful for the opportunity to meet him. I felt like there really was some purpose behind what we are striving to do.

On our way home, I received some news that troubled me. For a moment I sat there a bit bewildered and angry. I forgot inspiration. I forgot hope. I forgot everything except despair. But then, I remembered a young lady that I met a few years back. The words of her testimony began to play in my mind. Her family had at one point received the same news that my family had. I was able to hear her testimony because though the doctor said she would surely die, God allowed her to live.

Her family was given a yes. As I sit here typing this, I know that God will hear our prayers. He will hear and He will answer. The thing that I must embrace is the fact that no is an answer just like yes.

I'm Made For This

So it's the Monday after my big night and I'm still chuckling because I can't believe I cried. I cried in front of the entire congregation. I cried seconds after realizing that God had made me for the very thing that I was about to do. I was made to minister to the people. But, instead of just doing that I cried.

As I sit and Monday morning quarterback myself, it's extremely hilarious. I mean I sat for almost an entire week without a care in the world. The sermon was finished and I was having an absolute zen moment. I felt like I was just going to do such a great job. I can still see myself sitting there in church clapping and singing along. I was having a great time. The music stopped. Pastor Harvey stepped to the microphone and called my name. FIRST! I still felt fine. I was made for this right? Next thing I know I'm walking up to the pulpit. I smiled. My hands secured the microphone. Then, for no reason at all my eyes joined the enemy camp and began to water. I took a breath, put my head down, and tried to calm down. Calm quickly exited the building so I turned to Pastor Harvey and told him I'm not ready.

My pastor never listens to my attempts to get out of anything, but I thought surely my tears will persuade him that I'm really not ready. I would have no such luck. Instead of letting me off the hook, he and two of the elders began to pray and lay hands on me. I haven't the foggiest what they were saying. I just kept telling myself you were made for this.

A short time after the prayer, I again took the microphone. I looked out into the crowd and though tears were an almost constant partner, I did the best that I could do. I felt a sense of relief afterward because at the end of the day I am made for this.

I Feel It Deep Down on the Inside

I woke up this morning to another beautiful morning and another head shaking dream. The dream was a variation of one I have often. I am surrounded by friends from high school. We are involved in various activities, but there are always two people present. Willie and Jason are always the first and last part of my dream. Both of them played a role in helping to shape me into who I am. Willie helped me face the reality that things are not always black and white. Jason helped me come to terms with being a spoiled little princess. LOL! They were both lessons that I needed at 17. They are both lessons that I cherish at 35.

When I was able to lift myself from the fog of the dream, I felt something deep down on the inside that I haven't felt in a long time. I was at first a little unsure about what was happening. I almost fell into one of my deep reflective thoughts, but the feeling just got bigger and bigger. I filled the tiny spaces that wanted a deeper understanding. It silenced the little voice that always tries to trip me up. In just a few moments, it became this radiant thing that has me...well, it just has me. LOL! I just know that I won't let go.

I Can't Be to you in the Future What I was to you in the Past

I remember sitting in church toward the end of last year listening to Henry deliver another magnificent message. I still hear him saying you will have to tell people that you cannot be to them in the future what you had been in the past. I thought, what a witty thing to say. I totally love it. I loved it so much that I immediately used it on a couple of people.

This morning I wish I just had a poster or a sticker or something that had the phrase on it so I wouldn't have to do anything except hold it up. I am worn out from years of yeses that should have been no. This no is so hard. It is weighing on me because I am in such a great place right now that I just don't have time to process. I don't have time to give someone else's issue one shred of attention. I just want to continue feeling happy. I just want to continue feeling empowered. I just want to continue moving forward without having to think about what the necessity of my no will mean.

Screaming Noooooo!

So this morning I wake up to the news that these yahoos fired Charlie Sheen. I'm just like are you serious? Really? There are many, many reasons to support firing him. He's a drunk. He's a loose cannon. Yadda, yadda, yadda....I get it ok. But what about the one reason that only seems to matter to me? I L-O-V-E love Charlie Harper. LOL!

You Don't Always Get Back What You Put Out

People love to say that you get what you put into it. I used to think it was a novel idea. Now, I just think it's a silly thought that has no basis in truth. The reality is all you get is what you get. Sometimes you are deserving. At other times the situation is completely unfair....

I have been pondering a few situations. In some, I have received tremendous favor. In others, I have been left holding the short end of the stick. None of it seems fair or logical to me. It all seems like someone threw a bunch of stuff in a hat and said pick one. I never have been fond of hats.

Silencing Charlie

I am a little stunned and confused about the decision to prematurely end this season of Two and a Half Men. When I saw the headlines this morning, I was like WHAT?!!!! Are you kidding me? How can these cruell people silence my friend and confidant Charlie Harper?

As it turns out, the person that they are trying so desperately to silence is Charlie Sheen. Charlie is an addict and like most addicts Charlie is in denial. I feel for him on a human level, but that same part of me just wants the show to go on. I mean let's face it, the show is all about an addict who can't cope with his problems. Is that not true to Charlie Sheen's real life? I don't know how this whole thing is going to play out, but I tell you I don't think that silencing Charlie was the right way to go.

Don't Believe The Hype

So today is Valentine's Day and as Valentine's days go, mine is about a middle of the road. I started my day with sweet messages from some of my friends. I felt happy, but not really over the top. I already know that I have the best friends a girl could have. We tell each other we love each other all the time so doing it today didn't feel any more or any less important.

One of my coworkers asked me how many roses I received. When I said none, he looked at me a little puzzled and said I don't understand. He inquired further about the reason why. I said simply, I don't have a valentine. His response is what led me to write this. He said certainly someone loves you.

I just stared at him for a while. Then I smiled and walked away. I refuse to engage with him because while I knew what he was getting at, I'm tired of the pretense. I am not in a relationship, but that doesn't mean no one loves me. For me, the truth is almost exactly the opposite. I have a very strong network of people that love me and I'm good with that.

Faith The Size Of A Mustard Seed

I am having such a hard time lately. I am struggling with my faith. I am one of those people who just really believes God. I believe that God hears my prayers. I believe that God speaks to me. I believe the words of my pastor. In the past year there have been two significant tests of my faith. In both cases I had what I like to call blind faith. I believed that God would do something. I believed that God was speaking to me through the scripture, the sermons, and even directly. I turned my whole life upside down based on a belief in first one thing and then the other....



I am not interested in living like that anymore. I am not interested in holding on to things unseen. I am not interested in prophecy or scripture or any of it because all of it is draining me. All of it is making me question what I'm even trying so hard for.



Tonight I realized that I had reached the end of my rope. I had come to the point where I was willing to set aside everything I ever believed. I was ready to set aside the bible. I was ready to set aside God. But I have these friends that laugh with me when I want to laugh. They listen when I need to talk. And when I want to cry, they rub my back and speak life into my ear. As I lay there feeling completely lost, I remembered that all I needed to have was mustard seed faith.

Missing my dad

I have had the most emotional time lately. I experienced such joy on this past weekend. We had a men's conference at my church and God moved in a magnificent way. I felt like a brand new person when it was over. I saw breakthroughs for others. I felt moved by both the testimonies and the spirit.

I am certain that what I'm feeling in this moment is some test. It is a way to gauge just how much I believe God. It is to see just how much I trust Him. I am trying to silence my aching heart. I love my daddy. I love my daddy and it is difficult to imagine him being sick. It is so hard because I am here and he is there.

Last night I really really felt like moving back home. I know that will not fix or change anything. My dad is such a hermit that even if I was at home, I wouldn't always see him. It's just....I really love my daddy.

Thank You Lord

I was so overwhelmed at church tonight. I kept thinking about how God healed me. I kept thinking about how I went from constant pain to absolute freedom from pain. God has been so good to me. I was told I would not have a child. I was told I would have a hysterectomy. I was told I would always live in pain. I would always have to be on medication. I thank God that His word was you are healed. I am healed by His stripes. I thank God. I thank God. I thank God.

"A Love Sound"

"A Love Sound"

In a moment of weakness
I called out your name
The sound hit the air
like a suspended brick
The movement
The feeling
of air bending around
a love sound

1/27/11

Tiny Little Pieces

I feel like tiny little pieces of me are being lost every single day. It is kind of like when you pick lint off of a sweater. The sweater is the thing that is supposed to hold all the value. The lint is trash. It's just stuff that no one wants to be bothered with. Tiny little pieces that came from who knows where....

Tiny little pieces of my resolve. Tiny little pieces of my faith. Tiny little pieces of the love I have in my heart. Each piece is being plucked away. Each piece is leaving a hole.

Writer's Block

I realized today that the reason I had a small version of writer's block for the past five months is because I haven't wanted to be so bare. I haven't wanted to just be so open. Something happened and made me feel like being open and being honest was just a waste to time.

I haven't silenced that feeling. It is actually the reason that I'm writing now. Something is really bothering me, but I don't want to talk about it because I don't want it to have value. I don't want anyone in my life to be able to think back on this day and remember my frustration. I don't want to have a conversation that begins and ends with I'm so very sick of simple minded people. So here I sit trying to write while at the same time refusing to give the issue a voice. Isn't it something how ignoring it is somehow giving it a springboard.

Introspective

I spent a few hours last night talking to my friend Pnut. He is the one who really knows how to cut through all of the drama. He is the one who causes me to be introspective. Our conversation wasn't about me at all, but it made me want to know how I would feel walking around in his shoes. How would I feel if I had to face the decisions he has? How would my life be different if I'd made some of the choices he made?

I went to bed thinking about the things that I have accomplished. I wondered about the things that have been just left on the table. I thought most about the fact that they have all been my choices. Now, the last statement holds for me so much more meaning than I care to elaborate on this morning. Of course they were my choices, but I never realized that I chose them all. Not one chose me. It is an amazing discovery that has me wondering what will happen on this day and the next. What will happen now that I no longer plan to choose?

Is It About The Gospel or Standing Before Men?

I have been pondering something for a little while now. Is having the title minister about spreading the gospel or is it about being able to stand up in front of the church. I have been in "minister training" since last year. In the beginning, I was on fire. I was so ready to take on all of the challenges. I made sure that I read my bible and made most of the meetings. I told all of my family and friends about it. At some point, I became disenchanted.

Truth be told I became disenchanted with the process. This statement is not a reflection on those in charge. It is a reflection on me. I didn't understand what I was supposed to be doing. I didn't understand where I was in it all. I also didn't ask. I just went along allowing a small thing to push me further and further away from the goal. I even told myself that my backing away was about something else.

I cheated myself and I cheated those that had come to rely on me for encouragement or scriptural reference. I became so entangled in my own confusion that I created confusion for others. It was only when I couldn't stand the the uncertainty of it all that I began to question myself. Were my motives in the right place? What is the purpose of being called a minister? Could I not witness and operate without the title?

Of course I could. I could go about my life as I have been without so much as a thought to being called anything except Candy. The thing is I have been "called". I have been set aside to do more than sit in the pew. I have been given a task that is greater than my own desires. It surpasses any bout of personal doubt or confusion. I am not convinced that I have it all together, but I know the journey is worth taking.

The Gift I Have

The gift I have has been stifled for the last five months. I have felt unmotivated and even uncaring at times. Who will care if I write or if I choose not to? Whose life is really being impacted by all of this? The answer is simple. Mine. I'm back :)