Random Musings

I feel like I'm stuck in an over analysis of life. Lately I've been consumed with thoughts about what the right and wrong thing to do are. I don't mean it in the sense of murder being wrong while helping a neighbor is right. I mean what's right in our everyday decision making. Did God want me to do this or that? Was I supposed to say something or keep my thoughts to myself. I am stressing myself out and I don't even know why it takes so much thought. It's not that I don't want to do the right things. I just don't want to think about it so much.

I worried myself to death about a choice one of my friends is making. The sad part is I support his choice. I was just so afraid that somehow he hadn't spent enough time consulting God. I didn't want him to make a choice that would cause him to be out of God's will. But honestly who am I to say what God's will is for him or anyone else for that matter. I'm trying my best to figure it out. I know there will be mistakes along the way. I just hope that I end up on the right side.

The Reason Why

The reason why I don't bother with certain things is because doing so is without purpose. All week I've been toying with should I or shouldn't I disclose the doctor's findings. Well today I did to one of my bf's and doing so only helped me to understand the reason why I didn't in the first place. The reaction was...stale is a good word to describe it. It was like a stale bag of cookies. On the surface they look great, but they'll break your teeth off if you try to bite into it. I feel like the teeth in the analogy. Well, not exactly. I feel the pain of struggling to get through. I feel the lingering affects of continually hitting against something that was just too hard to digest. I feel it, but I don't feel like I should have to. I share so much of what happens with me because that's just who I am. I'm guarded when I need to be, but in essence I'm the most open person ever. That's why it's so hard for me to admit that this time, I won't let anyone (else) in on what's happened. I won't and I hope no one feels offended. It's just that I don't view it as so tragic anymore and really I can't bear reliving the heartache over and over again. Cause at the end of the day, I'm gonna be just fine.

You Can Breathe Now

I figured I'd have to set some of you at ease. I apologize for not realizing that some people view everything as a death sentence. So here we go.
1. I'm not dying. At least not imminently. One day I will die just like everyone else.
2. When I said the doctor changed the course of my life, she did. I love my doctor because she is such a straight shooter. She's never held back with me and there was no difference yesterday. I was in her office for a total of 15 minutes. That was all it took for her to pronounce something that has changed things. I guess what people don't understand is that a doctor's diagnosis whether it's good or bad is designed to change you. If you get a clean bill of health, you breathe a sigh of relief and mentally check off the things that you can do to continue to do well. If you have high cholesterol, you change your diet, exercise, etc. When she told me five years ago that I had fibroid tumors, endometriosis, polycystic ovaries, and an inverted uterus....well first I tried to figure out what all of that meant. Then, I realized that my life was different. She changed it then and she changed it yesterday. I didn't mean for it to come across like it was the end of the world. But it was the end of the world that I knew until that point. I love everyone for their care and concern. Now it's time to pray.

Here we go again

I have been writing about being afraid of the dreams, well they're back. Only it's worse than before. I just scared my aunt so bad. I could hear myself screaming, but there was nothing that I could do. Nothing could change what I saw. I saw it and this is way worse than any dream that was before. I wish I could explain. I wish I could stop the pain that was in my throat. I can't because I'm awake and that means that what just happened wasn't only a dream. I am afraid. Afraid to lie down. Afraid to turn off the light. Afraid of the reality of what I've just seen.

As Time Passes By

As time passes by things are bound to change. People enter your life and they leave it. Often we usher people out over misunderstandings and heartache. Often we allow pride to stand in the way. Often we are just so confused. But when there is a moment of clarity. When you realize that you love someone so much that every word you say is for them, for their benefit. When you realize that even though it hurts so bad you can't imagine the next moment. When you realize that you have to do what's best even if that means letting them go. Time keeps passing by and I keep trying to understand all the love and the loss. I can't. I can't understand how I ever became so strong. I can't understand sitting here wondering why on earth I would hold on to something that I ushered out. Why would I have tears still? As time passes by it gets easier, but it hurts. It hurts like it was yesterday only it is everyday. Everyday and all the time. I am a complete jumble of tears and feelings and words that don't make sense to anyone and I wish someone knew I wish someone understood that despite time passing by the pain of it all is fresh
still

I Love You

Tonight I feel so hopeful. I just watched Peyton and Lucas get married. I watched them and though it seems that they may not have a happy ending, I am hopeful still. I am hopeful because the stories that I am drawn to are real stories about real people. I know a couple who is just like them....

Even still, there is something besides the hope. The dream I had last night escapes me. I remember the man. He was fine, but he wasn't perfect. In the dream, I was uncertain about him. I was hesitant and he was there still. I don't know about the specifics, but I see his face. I see his mom. All day long I've been wondering if this will be like the dreams before. Will what I saw come to pass? Or is it all another symbol of what I've already seen? I want to know the answer, but I know that I must wait. I must be patient. I must be so many things that by nature I am not. I am hopeful and for once that is the easy part.

Sleepless Nights

I am so tired right now. For the past two nights I've had trouble getting to sleep. I know that this is partially because my activities during the day have been so mundane that my body is tired, but my mind is on overdrive. I don't know why I keep thinking the same thoughts and dreaming these dreams. I wake in the morning and I am left feeling exhausted like I've just gone to battle. I don't know what the battle is about. I just know that I'm tired of the feeling.

I'm tired and there's not a lot that I can do about it. I think about the possibility of taking a nap, but now there is no time. Now, there is a job that I know will soon be great. It's in the process of something, but the process and my sleepless nights are not in concert with each other. I just feel like I need a moment of clarity. I need a moment where my head is clear, my sleep is uninterrupted, and my waking hours have more meaning than just being there.

I Can't Take It Anymore

I am writing this in a semi sad state so I apologize in advance if it is offensive. Well, then again I don’t apologize. I am sad because people are not taking into account my feelings. The main issue right now is with boys feeling like they can tell me all of their deep little feelings and then walk away from the conversation like it never even happened. I don’t understand how anyone could do this. I really don’t understand this person because he knows me. He knows that I am sensitive. He knows that I am a thinker. He knows and still he decided that this great disclosure would just be ok. He never thought about what it would do to me. He never thought about how I would be uncomfortable with my own thoughts. He never thought about the fact that I may have always thought of him, always wanted to hear these things from him. He never thought about it and if he did he didn’t care.
If he cared, he would’ve remembered the night I sat on the curb crying when he was with that stupid girl. He would have remembered that not having a chance with him hurt me so bad that I wrote about it in a journal that for some reason he has as a keepsake. He would’ve remembered and realized that he shouldn’t tell me because I was into him. He would have realized that I’ve always thought he was great. He would have realized that I loved him and…. He just wouldn’t have told me if he thought about something besides the words coming out of his mouth.
P.S. I don’t want to talk about this with random people. I don’t want to know what you think or that you’re sorry or anything really. And if you happen to be the boy who decided to tell the truth, I don’t know what else to say to make you understand how I’m feeling so don’t be mad if it all ends up on this blog.