It's All in Purple, Pink, Green, and Black

People love to say I have it right here in black and white. We use this statement to prove something to someone who unwittingly doesn't know that we have written proof to back up our claims. Well, I have written proof to substantiate some things. The only thing is it's written in purple, pink, green, and black. It is a diary of mine that I wrote my junior year.

I often speak about my senior year and how I just can't understand that girl. I recall things about her. I read the words that I wrote, but her motivation has always been a bit of a mystery even to me. I had forgotten about the things that shaped me. I had forgotten about my junior year.

Junior year was the year that I faded and became quite a bit jaded with love. The year began with me writing about being happy and hanging out with friends. It seemed that all I wanted to do was talk on the phone and go to the mall. Junior year was also the time when I had so much hope and so many dreams about this boy that I was sure that I loved. I wrote about him in simple, yet beautiful words. But junior year was also the year that I realized that the feelings I had were bigger than just one person. In junior year I fell for all the boys! Lol! There was Willie, Kevin, a pair of Chris', Kat, Elijah, and as always Shevin. I wrote about them in ways that were new to me. Everything about it was fresh and exciting. I didn't feel limited. I didn't feel like I had to put my feelings in a little box. I was completely at ease saying I like him and I like him too. But then, junior year was also a year of great loss.

I look back on it now and it's clear that problem with the little lost girl from my senior year was she no longer felt like her feelings were just o.k. She somehow lost the ability to just stand up and say you know what this is how I feel. This is what is on the inside and it doesn't have to make sense to you. This is just who I am. In the past few weeks I've felt a lot like Candy from senior year. I've felt like I was being forced to choose to love one way or the other. Revisiting Candy from junior year was a great thing because I know that it's alright if I don't want to choose one or the other. The only thing I have to choose to be is happy.

She Thinks I'm Driving Her Nuts

She thinks I'm driving her nuts, but really I'm going crazy too. I mean this whole thing is just sooooo...I don't know. It's easy, but it's hard. It's messy, but it's neat. It is magnificent and just plain blah. It's the thing I wanted for such a long time and now it just feels like something else should be happening. LOL!

I know that these ramblings are jumbled and they don't really make a lot of sense to the majority of my readers, but it makes sense to me. I realized last night that I am in the middle of moment. I wake up feeling warm and fuzzy on the inside. I smile at the memories of friday nights at games and all day movie sessions on holidays. I get flustered because I can't remember the first kiss, or the details of every phone call. I drive myself nuts analyzing the details. Then in a moment when I am totally outdone, I remember that I can't forget the love.

It's no longer about the phone call that was interrupted or the distance. It is and has always been about love and I'm so alright with that.

Happy

I am so happy. I am looking forward to spending my first summer just hanging out. I am looking forward to not worrying about work or class or anything. I am looking forward to going to the beach, eating breakfast at Peach's, and savoring cheesecake from Demetrios.
I am so close to having everything be just as I've always wanted and it feels great. I wake up in the morning and I am calm. I am sure about so many things.... I am still riding the high of my amazing weekend at home...I am reflective and hopeful and just happy