When Faced With A Difficult Decision

When faced with a difficult decision the first thing you should do is run away to the Bahamas! I had a great time this week. It was in so many ways just what the doctor ordered. I was able to eat massive amounts of food, sleep in the sun, and meet a bunch of crazy people. The fact that I had a friend with me was a bonus. We hung out, but not in the cling on way that it would have been if we were a couple. He was there for me, but he was totally free to roam and do whatever....and he did, but that's his business so I won't tell it.

Anyway, the day before my trip was really heart wrenching and emotionally draining. I woke up knowing that something was up. It happens like that with me quite a bit. I pay close attention if it happens on a church day. Typically it means that God has something just for me. This past Sunday was one of those days. I arrived at church and made the mistake of sitting too close to gossip row. It was an honest mistake. I really just wanted to be close to Jessica. She and I were less than 24 hours from celebrating our birthdays and hey I love Jessica so that is reason enough. The problem is my teacher ears were on fine tune and I heard every word of certain people's conversations. It annoyed me to know end and before I knew it I was thinking I should have just stayed home because soon I will not be here anyway. I had a little pain in my heart with that thought, but they were on my last nerve.

It all began to take shape for me when my pastor had his son and daughter sing this song. It's an old song by James Cleveland called "I Walk With God". They did an awesome job of singing the devil right out of my spirit. The song touched me in a way that doesn't happen all the time. I had goosebumps and it was like God was preparing me. Had I known that I would hear a word that would lead to me calling first the assistant pastor and then the pastor in a fit of tears, I might have gotten up and left right then. Not because the outcome was unfavorable, but because I was overwhelmed with grief.

Every word in the sermon that followed the song, struck something inside of me. I was angry when it was over because I knew then that I was faced with a difficult decision. I knew that Atlanta was not the move I was supposed to be making. I knew, but I was in an absolute panic and all of the things that I'd held in since I decided to go came rushing to the forefront. When it was over, I had said some really mean things to my sister and been comforted by the truth from a friend. Luckily for me my sister knows that I go into all out rebel mode when I don't really want to accept something and she loves me so all was forgiven. But there was still the matter of Atlanta.

The whole time I was on my trip I kept hearing Tsadok singing "for the key to my success is that I walk with God". All week I heard that. I heard it during breakfast. I heard it while I was walking along the deck admiring beauty of the ocean. I heard it as I walked along the streets in Nassau. I even heard it in my sleep. I have not been able to escape it. It is only now that I am realizing the difficulty in staying isn't about the fact that I sold or gave away EVERYTHING. It's not about the fact that all of my clothes and mementos are safely at my uncle's house awaiting my return. The difficulty is accepting that I'm not in control. I made a decision, but I was never in control. Walking with God isn't about me taking the lead. It's about being willing to follow Him through whatever the journey is.

I had to sell my stuff. I had to do all of it to get to this point. I have no idea what happens next. I don't know where I'm going to live and I still don't have a job. What I do have is a leader who I am willing to follow.