Alone in a Room

It is so easy to lose count of the words you say and the things you do. It is so easy to find yourself stuck having feelings that you have no idea where they originated from or why they are so strong. This week has been a bit lonely and introspective. It is amazing how something that was once billed as the great adventure could turn into just a whole lot of empty space.

I have been in Atlanta all week. I have been alone with my thoughts and alone with my journals. My journals are probably far scarier than the thoughts I have now. I read them and I'm sad. I don't even know the person who wrote those things. It is different from not remembering her. I simply don't know her. She is as foreign to me as you could possibly get. Yet, I read her words and I am so sad for her. I am so sad that I couldn't be there for her. I'm so sad that she gave so much of herself for nothing. She loved so hard and the only thing she ever got for her trouble was heartbroken.

I envy her though. She was often hurting so bad, but she wasn't afraid to just keep trying. If she liked a boy, she would wrestle with it in her mind and then jump in heart first. If she wanted to try something new, she would. She was completely out of control, but I envy her because she had no idea how strong she really was.

The tears and disappointments were shaping her into this woman who is more confident, but deathly afraid of risks. She was creating the woman who is typing this. The one who just spent a week by herself wondering what on earth am I doing? Where am I going with this? What am I supposed to do next? I have pondered many things and I have no answers only more questions. I feel completely helpless when there should be some sense of empowerment. I don't know. I've had a few laughs, ran down memory lane, and still I am lost. I am so at home, but I have no home.

My uncle is great by the way. He hasn't been all up in my face trying to force me to talk about it or anything. He just offers me my favorite cereal and gives me the space I need to just figure it out. I love him for not being one of those in your face people, but it is the gift and the curse. I need a sounding board. I need something to happen.... I bought a megamillions ticket today. Maybe I'm about to be a millionaire. Maybe I'm just about to be stuck in another aimless day.