If I Was Yours and You Were Mine

The past few days have been an absolute roller coaster emotionally. I haven't been able to process it all, but I'm trying. I keep thinking about what it feels like to be a part of something that is bigger than just you. When it works it's the most comforting feeling in the world. When it doesn't it's like wide open space....nothing is measurable...nothing is enough.



Last night I saw both the promise and the pain flash before me. There was nothing I could do. No way to explain. I was there, but not in the moment. I was surrounded by the sound of what was, while listening to the voice of what could be. There was nothing I could do and really there was nothing I wanted to do. Maybe, I wanted to put it on pause. Stop the voices. No, I'm not talking about hearing voices. It was a déjà vu moment. A comment triggered something that had happened just as it was happening then and I was stuck in the worse kind of paradox.



Driving around lost in the middle of the night only made the whole thing worse. I kept thinking if I were yours, this wouldn't' be happening. If I was the one you saw when you fell asleep or when you lie awake.....If I was the one who held your heart.....if, if, if. No resolution. I found that being lost could serve as a metaphor for the whole thing. I knew where I needed to go, but I made one wrong turn and then I didn't know how to get there or why it was even supposed to matter anymore.



I made one wrong turn and now I'm sitting here on this blog that I neglect trying to rewrite an ending that I never saw coming and have regretted every since. What would've happened if I'd stayed? What would've happened if I never took the wrong turn in the road? What will happen if I really am yours and you really are mine?