What Exactly Am I Doing Here?

I keep asking myself what exactly are you doing here? Why exactly are you living in a situation that brings you daily sadness? Why are you in this city where you never seem to do anything except get lost? Why does any of it even matter anymore? Why are you suddenly so sad about everything?

The only answer I ever have is that I followed the will of God. I still believe that. My sadness/semi-depression is all about life in the natural. I am suffering as a human being. I am suffering from loneliness. I am suffering from the loss of my best friend. I am suffering because I'm isolated from everything and everyone that I love. I am already seeking God's forgiveness as I write this because I know that at the end of it all I will be ok because in coming here I did what I was supposed to do. Who can tell me what to do right now? What am I supposed to do with the part in the middle? How am I supposed to find a sense of calm or happiness?

I am tired from working so hard to make a good impression with kids that I'm not invested in. I am having a hard time smiling through being told "I'm a redneck and I support the rebel flag." These kids are not my kids. I miss MY kids. And yet I am painfully aware that I was initially disconnected from them too. They were once not MY kids. The thing is they are now and I don't know what to do with kids that hate Obama just because he's black. Realistically, that would have to mean they hate me too. I'm sure they don't think of that as they proudly say these things. The question is still what am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to do with any of this? What am I supposed to do with being sad about DJ AM? What am I supposed to do with the stupid questions about why I get sad when things happen to people I don't know? How can you not feel sad for his family and his friends who will never see him again? How can you not feel sad at the loss of potential?

I am tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of wondering why everyone seems to be living a life that I thought I would have. Shouldn't I be happy that Alex has a baby boy? Ummm, that would be a resounding NO. Sure, I'm happy that he's moved on with his life and all of that. He's a great guy and I wanted nothing more than for him to have the things that he wanted. But what about what I wanted? When does any of that get to happen? When do I get to be a wife, a mom, a happy individual again? It's funny because I'm supposed to be being freed from oppression. Right now I just don't see that happening.