Secrets

I already know that this is going to be a difficult post because I'm at my sister's house and I am surrounded by my nieces laughter. Their laughter is supposed to be like this sweet serum, but is like a knife cutting through to my heart. I love them, but it... I won't ever be able to have what my sister has. I won't be able to have what so many of you have and right now it's all too much to even imagine.

I feel like I'm so tired. I'm so tired of the bad things that just keep happening. I understand this to be one of those things. It is one of those things where I could have done something or not to change the outcome, but now it's too late for all of that and there are just an endless sea of tears. There are tears that don't have a beginning or an end. I wish I didn't have to do this by myself. But last year I made a decision to never talk about it with anyone except him. Last year I made a decision to just somehow deal with it and to this point I have. Up until today it has been just one of those things that the doctor said. But today I woke up and I knew it was a little more than just what she said. It is something that I have to accept. I just wish I didn't have to do it by myself.