Negro Spirituals

I was thinking today, when did my life turn into a negro spiritual? When exactly did all the songs in my head go from upbeat and uplifting to sorrowful and pleading? I love negro spirituals, but I'm tired of the shift in my life.



Today I had to deal with one more thing in the wonderful saga that began on Sunday. I thought it would be a lot harder, but I was just so resigned like it is what it is. I'm tired of trying to fix anything because none of it is working right. Let me take a commercial break for those of you who need this: I'm alive. I have my health. I have people who love me, food, clothes, yada yada.



Now on the real side of it, things really suck for me right now. I'm not ungrateful for the things I have. I'm just sick and tired of having to deal with the fallout from "I'm not recommending you for reappointment". I almost sent my old principal my own form of hate mail today. I decided not to because even though I'm royally pissed off, I know it's not his fault. I know that ultimately all of this is a part of God's plan. The problem is I can't see past the way things are falling apart on a daily freaking basis. I often wonder whose life is this anyway? This is not what I hoped, planned, or prayed for. Yet, here I am sitting here wondering when things will turn around. Hoping that I'm already at the bottom so that there's no place to go but up.



I can't stand feeling like this and to top it all off next week is Christmas. I really wish I could get into the holiday spirit, but I just can't. A part of that has to do with what's going on too. We are celebrating the single most important birth in history and all I can think about is why does this man want me to be the mother of his child? Sure, I want to be a mom. His timing is just downright awful. Right now I'm like a basket case just trying to figure out how to make it through all of the hours in a day. Who knows how that is going to play out. I'm not even sure how I feel about it. His thoughts are ever changing and mine are just......I DON'T KNOW!



People have kids all the time without thought, planning, or purpose. I always wanted to have a husband and then a baby. Most of the time I still do. I still want to walk down the aisle and have Mese standing next to me and Pnut cracking jokes (about the show) in the front row. I still want my dad to give me away....though lately all I've been getting from him are headaches. What is the man doing dating that child????????? I digress. I guess it never occurred to me that someone would love me in a way that was finite and infinite all at once. I know that it will be hard to work this out....partially because I'm a christian and partially because our relationship is so complicated without even needing to be. I love him. He loves me. In a perfect world, that would be enough. In the world of negro spirituals, nothing could be that easy.