I Remember

I woke up yesterday and went through some of my old Facebook posts. I'm not certain what prompted me to do this, but it did make for interesting reading. One post in particular was all about a fight I had with someone that I was so in love with. The post itself was a little heart breaking. The tears and the complete sense of loss that I felt were all staring at me, being given new life as I read the words. I was amazed at how raw my words were. I was even more amazed by the feeling that I had as I read it. I was reading about the pain. Yet, what I remembered was all the love. (If you're reading this and I didn't text you about it, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!) My exes tend to be a little vain:) Choosing to start off with that was as deliberate as it is random. My words always have purpose. They always work to get me somewhere. I am keenly aware that they also hide me. I write to purge what I'm feeling. I write to make sense of what I'm feeling. I write often to stop feeling. I want that to be what happens to me now. I want to stop feeling or at least I want to stop being aware of what I'm feeling. (SIGH).... For starters, I didn't start writing this because I remembered an old relationship. I started writing this because I can't focus on my homework, going to the gym didn't help, I'm all out of Blue Bell, and I just didn't want to try to talk about it. I can't imagine what I would say. Would it matter if I started at the beginning? (Wherever that is.) Would anyone know how to separate what's really hurting me from the things I randomly say? Probably not.... So I found myself sitting and writing. I can tell you the feeling hasn't stopped. Adayinthelife