I Finally Understand What He Meant

A couple of months ago my pastor told me to let it go. That's not all he said, but in the interest of time we'll stick with that. I thought I knew what he meant. I decided it was completely about this one thing that I had been obsessing about. This week I realized it was about that, but it was so much more than that. I had to let go of something that I hadn't even realized I was holding on to. I let go and this week has been so incredible. The best thing to come out of all of it is the bevy of handsome men. I feel just like a kid again. It's great. I wish I would've realized this a long time ago, but I guess I must accept that everything happens at just the right time.

Underneath It All

I had a very hard day today. I woke up expecting... well to be honest I don't know what I was expecting. I didn't anticipate the tears then and I wish that they would go away now because it does not make typing any easier. I am not in a sad mood right now. I think I can't stop crying because I held on to it for so long. I've been holding on to my feelings for him. I've been holding on, but today I let go. I let go because while we sat there eating and talking as friends there was a sadness for me. A sadness that I didn't want to feel anymore. I couldn't bear another minute of us not being honest. I couldn't bear another minute of us not being on the same page. So I cried. I cried right there in the restaurant. I was so embarassed that I walked away. But it didn't matter because when we left I couldn't stop the inevitable. I couldn't stop the tears that had been sitting there underneath the surface for the past 6 months. The tears helped me free myself. The tears helped me face myself. The tears helped me tell him that it wasn't about what anyone said. It's just how I feel. How I've probably always felt. How I would have known I felt had I stopped to look underneath all of the crap that was taking up space in my life.

I like him....and him too....a shout out to Nika

I saw a friend's status message on facebook that said "I like him...and him too." I immediately laughed because I know exactly where she's coming from. I've been there a time or two and I've been with her through it a time or two in the past. No one ever told me what to do about the dueling feelings that I was having. Right now, I feel like I'm starting to like someone for all of his imperfections. It's a little bit of a weird approach I know. When I met him, it was an instant attraction. At this point those are not the things that make me laugh and smile. I'm noticing different things like the fact that he is so articulate in one moment, but he stutters in the next. He doesn't seem embarrassed about it at all and that is so empowering for me because I trip over my words when I'm nervous. I noticed something else about him today. He is a motivator and he's soft spoken. I hadn't noticed it before because I think that I was infatuated with the way he looks. He is smoking hot by the way. That is a funny statement too because the more I look at him and the more I dissect it, the smoking hot part becomes so small next to the other things.

He is not an island unto himself where my thoughts are concerned. There is another who is a sweet shelter for me. In him there are so many things to ponder....so many things I missed. Things that are now like dueling dragons in my mind's eye. I more than like him. I think of him always. Always....and then some more. It's different with him though. He makes me happy and tired all at once. He is a conundrum that I just can't give anymore time to today. This started out carefree and that's the way it shall end. I like him....and him too. What's a girl to do?