Underneath It All

I had a very hard day today. I woke up expecting... well to be honest I don't know what I was expecting. I didn't anticipate the tears then and I wish that they would go away now because it does not make typing any easier. I am not in a sad mood right now. I think I can't stop crying because I held on to it for so long. I've been holding on to my feelings for him. I've been holding on, but today I let go. I let go because while we sat there eating and talking as friends there was a sadness for me. A sadness that I didn't want to feel anymore. I couldn't bear another minute of us not being honest. I couldn't bear another minute of us not being on the same page. So I cried. I cried right there in the restaurant. I was so embarassed that I walked away. But it didn't matter because when we left I couldn't stop the inevitable. I couldn't stop the tears that had been sitting there underneath the surface for the past 6 months. The tears helped me free myself. The tears helped me face myself. The tears helped me tell him that it wasn't about what anyone said. It's just how I feel. How I've probably always felt. How I would have known I felt had I stopped to look underneath all of the crap that was taking up space in my life.