I Want to Live the Life I Talk About

Recently I've been telling people I want to live the life I talk about. It seemed like the easiest way to explain the changes that have been taking place in my life. I only realized this morning that it has only served one purpose. I do want to live a life for God. I want to grow and learn and share the goodness of God. I never thought that everything else would have to be sacrificed, but lately it feels like I can't have anything that I want. I don't understand why every step forward is met with a dose of rejection or disappointment or just something negative to make me wonder what is this all for? I didn't expect to feel unhappy. I didn't expect to feel like I had way more fun before. I didn't expect to feel anything but happy all the time.

For the past two days I've been wondering if my life has changed so much, how come it still matters what people think? How can a new person do things differently and still get the same result? I am utterly baffled by this. Everyone who knows me can testify to the fact that I'm different so what gives? Why am I still stuck with the same stupid results? AAAAAAAAAAAh! I am in desperate need of a break through.

P.S. Please don't read this as anything except a bit of frustration. I know that regardless of how I feel God has my best interest in mind. I just need something great to happen.

Anticipation

4 A.M. greeted me like an old friend this morning. Surprisingly, I responded with a smile. When I went to bed last night, I was a little disappointed because I was waiting for something that didn't happen. I was a complete ball of nervous energy and it was all for naught because he didn't call. I smiled about it this morning because I know that he will. There will be a nerve wracking conversation where I try really hard to remember to just breathe and at the end of it all we'll decide if there should be another conversation and then another still. I don't pretend to know what the conversations will be like. I'm just happy because of the way anticipating them makes me feel.

Fresh

I wanted to write last night, but by the time I reached my home I was wondering how I would be able to sleep with so much on my mind. For two days in a row there was mess in my life where there is generally serenity. I have a new mind this morning. I have a new thought and it is simply if it ain't broke why fix it?

I've had so much time to examine my life and examine my motives. I am focused on being a better christian. I simply can't be bothered with anything that is going to compromise that. People have been saying to branch out and meet new people. I happen to love the friends I have. I happen to love the fact that I have friendships that have outlasted the lastest wave of gossip. I happen to love being able to look back over my life and say I've grown up with these people. And that is just the thing, I've GROWN. I have zero tolerance for a lot of stuff that other people simply haven't outgrown. Should I have to regress because they are not where I am? I think not.

I have more to say, but it is on a different topic so I will address that later today. I promise, it's much more upbeat than this. :)