I'm Made For This

So it's the Monday after my big night and I'm still chuckling because I can't believe I cried. I cried in front of the entire congregation. I cried seconds after realizing that God had made me for the very thing that I was about to do. I was made to minister to the people. But, instead of just doing that I cried.

As I sit and Monday morning quarterback myself, it's extremely hilarious. I mean I sat for almost an entire week without a care in the world. The sermon was finished and I was having an absolute zen moment. I felt like I was just going to do such a great job. I can still see myself sitting there in church clapping and singing along. I was having a great time. The music stopped. Pastor Harvey stepped to the microphone and called my name. FIRST! I still felt fine. I was made for this right? Next thing I know I'm walking up to the pulpit. I smiled. My hands secured the microphone. Then, for no reason at all my eyes joined the enemy camp and began to water. I took a breath, put my head down, and tried to calm down. Calm quickly exited the building so I turned to Pastor Harvey and told him I'm not ready.

My pastor never listens to my attempts to get out of anything, but I thought surely my tears will persuade him that I'm really not ready. I would have no such luck. Instead of letting me off the hook, he and two of the elders began to pray and lay hands on me. I haven't the foggiest what they were saying. I just kept telling myself you were made for this.

A short time after the prayer, I again took the microphone. I looked out into the crowd and though tears were an almost constant partner, I did the best that I could do. I felt a sense of relief afterward because at the end of the day I am made for this.

I Feel It Deep Down on the Inside

I woke up this morning to another beautiful morning and another head shaking dream. The dream was a variation of one I have often. I am surrounded by friends from high school. We are involved in various activities, but there are always two people present. Willie and Jason are always the first and last part of my dream. Both of them played a role in helping to shape me into who I am. Willie helped me face the reality that things are not always black and white. Jason helped me come to terms with being a spoiled little princess. LOL! They were both lessons that I needed at 17. They are both lessons that I cherish at 35.

When I was able to lift myself from the fog of the dream, I felt something deep down on the inside that I haven't felt in a long time. I was at first a little unsure about what was happening. I almost fell into one of my deep reflective thoughts, but the feeling just got bigger and bigger. I filled the tiny spaces that wanted a deeper understanding. It silenced the little voice that always tries to trip me up. In just a few moments, it became this radiant thing that has me...well, it just has me. LOL! I just know that I won't let go.

I Can't Be to you in the Future What I was to you in the Past

I remember sitting in church toward the end of last year listening to Henry deliver another magnificent message. I still hear him saying you will have to tell people that you cannot be to them in the future what you had been in the past. I thought, what a witty thing to say. I totally love it. I loved it so much that I immediately used it on a couple of people.

This morning I wish I just had a poster or a sticker or something that had the phrase on it so I wouldn't have to do anything except hold it up. I am worn out from years of yeses that should have been no. This no is so hard. It is weighing on me because I am in such a great place right now that I just don't have time to process. I don't have time to give someone else's issue one shred of attention. I just want to continue feeling happy. I just want to continue feeling empowered. I just want to continue moving forward without having to think about what the necessity of my no will mean.

Screaming Noooooo!

So this morning I wake up to the news that these yahoos fired Charlie Sheen. I'm just like are you serious? Really? There are many, many reasons to support firing him. He's a drunk. He's a loose cannon. Yadda, yadda, yadda....I get it ok. But what about the one reason that only seems to matter to me? I L-O-V-E love Charlie Harper. LOL!

You Don't Always Get Back What You Put Out

People love to say that you get what you put into it. I used to think it was a novel idea. Now, I just think it's a silly thought that has no basis in truth. The reality is all you get is what you get. Sometimes you are deserving. At other times the situation is completely unfair....

I have been pondering a few situations. In some, I have received tremendous favor. In others, I have been left holding the short end of the stick. None of it seems fair or logical to me. It all seems like someone threw a bunch of stuff in a hat and said pick one. I never have been fond of hats.