90210

So I'm over hating my favorite show. I've graduated to dreaming about it. Last night I had the most vivid dream about my graduation. I kept remembering my good friend Steve Sanders being everywhere I went. Well, I don't know anybody named Steve Sanders personally and I can assure you that the graduation that I was dreaming about took place at West Beverly High and not at Manatee High. I think that I was having an anger issue that day. All I know is my love affair with 90210 is back. Oh and I'm feeling 100% again health wise :)

Things aren't always what they seem

So I'm sitting here watching 90210 reruns feeling like I hate this show. I hate this episode. I hate the fact that they were so bad to each other sometimes and I remember I loved this show because at the time this is exactly how things were in my life. Friends dating around in a circle, backstabbing, hurting each other all over boys. Right now I feel so disconnected. Not just because I'm seeing my favorite show with adult eyes, but because so many things just aren't what they seem.

On Thursday I received a letter in the mail that is about to change the very fabric of one of my friendships. I don't even want to address it because I have so many questions.....so much disappointment. I'm a wreck about it and I don't even want to talk to the person because I thought things were on the up and up with us, but it's not and it may never be. I think it's because I trust people too much. I trust things to be just as people say they are. I never want to admit that things just aren't what they seem.

All day today I've had to deal with the fall out from me getting sick in church. I wish I didn't see it as fall out, but people sat there and watched me with their own eyes and didn't get the story straight. Don't get me wrong, everyone wants to feel like someone cares about them. I just......what happened to me was real, but even it wasn't what it seemed to other people.

I don't know I guess I'm just really disillusioned right now. It's almost like when you're little and you find out that your dad is Santa Claus and mom is the Easter bunny. You love them for the gestures, but you're sad because you realize something that you believed in is lost and it will never be the same.

Defining Marriage by Michae Allen

In Mark 10: 6-9, Jesus said, But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; and they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

We live in a world where people feel that they should be able to do what pleases them and makes them comfortable. Doesn't that make perfect sense? If I am not bothering you, why should what I do matter? The truth of the matter is, God has laid a pattern for existence. Anything out of spec from how He intended disappoints him severely.

If you are a Christian, your only reference/manual/point of view is biblical. In the above scripture, Jesus did not say homosexuality was wrong. What he did was tell us what is right. If I tell you to eat the vanilla ice cream, I don't have to tell you not to eat the chocolate or the strawberry; what not to do is inherent in what to do.

The immutability of God's holiness far outweighs the intensity of our desires or opinions. God's viewpoint explicitly tells us that marriage is between a man and a woman.

Scattered Brained

I can't pretend like it doesn't matter anymore. Today I woke up and spent 2 hours making a list of all of the jobs that I've applied to since June. It wasn't a big deal really. I had to do it for an unemployment review. It's just as I was doing it I felt so overwhelmed by the redundancy of my life. So I went for a walk. I started at my elementary school, walked past the church I would belong to had I said my I do's, and ended up at the bridge where I spent so many good days walking with my grandma.

I started out slowly remembering how easy it was when there was only a two lane road and my grandma and I would walk to Bradenton. Retracing my steps was helpful and hurtful. My grandma always knew how to make me feel better. I was her favorite girl. I miss not having her see who I've become, but then I wonder what she would think. What would she think about her granddaughter the hopeless romantic who always seems to be.......well, you know.

Anyhow, the fanatic in me who is gaining weight wanted to walk the actual bridge. The chicken in me kept hearing my doctor say no inclines, no lifting, have a baby. I used to love the sound of my doctor's voice. Her sweet Indian accent. Now, every time I think about her I am sad. She's the one who keeps reminding me that there needs to be something more to my life than spending hours on end looking for a job and reliving my childhood.

My daily dose of 90210 reruns, combined with the sappiness of One Tree Hill, and my own memories have me wondering how long I'm going to have to write about being the single girl. I realize that many people envy my position. They just don't understand it. It is a marvelous situation most of the time, but I'm over it. I need someone to talk to that is not in cyberspace, another state, or a pointless relationship with the rebound girl. Then again, Alex married the rebound girl so maybe rebound relationships aren't pointless after all. I digress.

I don't even know what the point is. The point of this posting is I mean. I started over an hour ago and in between stopping to watch Raising the Bar and reconnecting with Will & Grace, I've lost what I wanted to say.

Just when I thought...

Just when I thought my day wouldn't take another turn, it did. I've been in such an old school, throwback mood for the past two days. It started when I went to update my myspace music list. I couldn't think of anything that I wanted to hear playing on my profile except Bobby Brown. I know some of you might think I'm nuts, but I used to L-O-V-E Bobby Brown. I still remember when my dad bought the Bobby Brown concert video. I used to watch that video every single day. Then my dad took me to the Bobby Brown concert for my birthday. Those were the days when Bobby and daddy could do no wrong.

So for two days it's been lots of Bobby Brown and 90210. I don't know whose idea it was to put free episodes of the original show on the net, but I love that person with all of my heart. I've watched about 10 shows in 2 days. It's comforting because it helps me remember a time when I thought my world was just over. I was such an angst ridden teenager. One minute I thought everything was great and by the end of the 60 seconds I hated myself, my surroundings, my everything. It is so good to remember that. Sometimes it's hard for me to appreciate where I am right now. I'm not that skinny little girl anymore who pigged out with her friends then stayed up for hours exercising. I'm not the girl who feels like she has to hang with the popular girls(even if she can't stand some of them) to fit in. I am certainly not the girl who felt like she was nothing without a boyfriend....preferably a fine one :0.

I don't know when I stopped being that girl. I don't know when just being cool inside of this dark chocolate skin was enough. I'm glad that I knew her. I'm glad that I remember her because just when I thought things really couldn't get any worse....I remembered that they already had and I turned out just fine.

Nothing Matters

Today I had one of the best days in a long time. My friend Marcie came to town. I was so happy to see her because I'd missed her tremendously. I think I missed her quirky sense of humor and her ability to always help me to see the other side of something. I felt encouraged while talking to her. I felt like I wasn't in this alone. Like there was someone who was really in sync with me.

The thing is now I'm feeling the weight of all of the words that I hold on to. The fear that I couldn't express to her. The doubt that I've been holding all to myself. She told me that she was worried about me for a while. I guess that is understandable, but then not. No one knows how many words are stuck on the tip of my tongue. No one knows how many things I haven't been able to say. This blog was supposed to be so helpful. It isn't really. It is just like everything else....only a small piece of what is happening............only the fragment of truth that I can let go of as I sit at my computer.

I am listening to Beyonce as I type this. It's funny to me that she is singing about being Dangerously in Love. It's funny because for the first time ever my personal life has the smallest part in this whole thing. It is totally nonexistent and I'm ok with that because the alternative would be just like everything else. A big lie that I'm trying to keep just on the right side of the truth. I want so many things right now, but I can't write my way out of this very moment. I can't string together a poem, a story, or a song. I just keep failing to say enough to make an impact on the one person who matters. ME

The Will

Tonight was wonderful Wednesday at the Westcoast Center. I love bible study because I always learn something new. It's one thing to read the bible all by yourself, but togetherness helps. On a side note I think I have the best study bible EVER. It's called Quest. The publisher is Zondervan.

On to my point here.........I was talking with a friend the other night. We always have these talks about life, our purpose, etc. Well, he wants to become a firefighter and......I really don't want to write about any of that. I really don't want to write right now. I'll see if I can't sum it up. Have you sought the will of God for your life or are you in "God is my co-pilot mode?"