Today I had one of the best days in a long time. My friend Marcie came to town. I was so happy to see her because I'd missed her tremendously. I think I missed her quirky sense of humor and her ability to always help me to see the other side of something. I felt encouraged while talking to her. I felt like I wasn't in this alone. Like there was someone who was really in sync with me.
The thing is now I'm feeling the weight of all of the words that I hold on to. The fear that I couldn't express to her. The doubt that I've been holding all to myself. She told me that she was worried about me for a while. I guess that is understandable, but then not. No one knows how many words are stuck on the tip of my tongue. No one knows how many things I haven't been able to say. This blog was supposed to be so helpful. It isn't really. It is just like everything else....only a small piece of what is happening............only the fragment of truth that I can let go of as I sit at my computer.
I am listening to Beyonce as I type this. It's funny to me that she is singing about being Dangerously in Love. It's funny because for the first time ever my personal life has the smallest part in this whole thing. It is totally nonexistent and I'm ok with that because the alternative would be just like everything else. A big lie that I'm trying to keep just on the right side of the truth. I want so many things right now, but I can't write my way out of this very moment. I can't string together a poem, a story, or a song. I just keep failing to say enough to make an impact on the one person who matters. ME
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