Scattered Brained

I can't pretend like it doesn't matter anymore. Today I woke up and spent 2 hours making a list of all of the jobs that I've applied to since June. It wasn't a big deal really. I had to do it for an unemployment review. It's just as I was doing it I felt so overwhelmed by the redundancy of my life. So I went for a walk. I started at my elementary school, walked past the church I would belong to had I said my I do's, and ended up at the bridge where I spent so many good days walking with my grandma.

I started out slowly remembering how easy it was when there was only a two lane road and my grandma and I would walk to Bradenton. Retracing my steps was helpful and hurtful. My grandma always knew how to make me feel better. I was her favorite girl. I miss not having her see who I've become, but then I wonder what she would think. What would she think about her granddaughter the hopeless romantic who always seems to be.......well, you know.

Anyhow, the fanatic in me who is gaining weight wanted to walk the actual bridge. The chicken in me kept hearing my doctor say no inclines, no lifting, have a baby. I used to love the sound of my doctor's voice. Her sweet Indian accent. Now, every time I think about her I am sad. She's the one who keeps reminding me that there needs to be something more to my life than spending hours on end looking for a job and reliving my childhood.

My daily dose of 90210 reruns, combined with the sappiness of One Tree Hill, and my own memories have me wondering how long I'm going to have to write about being the single girl. I realize that many people envy my position. They just don't understand it. It is a marvelous situation most of the time, but I'm over it. I need someone to talk to that is not in cyberspace, another state, or a pointless relationship with the rebound girl. Then again, Alex married the rebound girl so maybe rebound relationships aren't pointless after all. I digress.

I don't even know what the point is. The point of this posting is I mean. I started over an hour ago and in between stopping to watch Raising the Bar and reconnecting with Will & Grace, I've lost what I wanted to say.