Are You Freaking Kidding Me?

I have waited for almost 10 years for the return of Donna Martin to 90210 and these yahoos have the nerve to bring her back and say that her and David are separated!!!!!! Am I the only one who remembers their wedding? I still cry when I think about what David and Donna went through to be together. I am OFFICIALLY done. I can't believe this, this is worse than when Josh and Reva split up on the Guiding Light. I think I'm going to have to go into counseling.....

Here we go again.....

Obama is the next president! Thank you Jesus. :0
I have officially watched all of the free episodes of 90210! The world as we know it has ended :(

Seriously though, I was cautiously optimistic cuz of the whole election 2000 thing. I'm happy now though. Probably not as emotional as some. I haven't cried or screamed or anything. I actually spent the entire night watching 90210. It's not that I'm not invested. I am. This whole thing has been a long time coming. This is a day when so many of our men, black men, can see something else when they look in the mirror. Obama won and gave them the type of hope that can't be bought or encouraged. Obama won and changed the playing field for all of the little black boys whose highest aspirations were the NFL and the NBA. Obama's win will change so many things for us all as Americans, but I have to say that my heart is the most happy for the change that one man's win will mean for all of our boys.

Any Given Sunday

It seems that I am on some kind of once a week rotation with this now. Today was a regular roller coaster. I was happy and then my team lost and I was sad. I started watching 90210 reruns and I was revived. I realized I only have 3 left out of 94 and devastation set in. What is the use of free episodes if they are only going to give me a third of the series?

Tomorrow is a big day for me. Three years ago my sister invited me to Family and Friends day at her church. I thought, what the hell I'll go. I'd been so unhappy for a long time. I was searching for something then. I wanted to get married, but it didn't feel right. I wanted a sense of belonging, but no matter where I turned I just kept feeling empty and unsatisfied. I went to Family and Friends day expecting nothing. Well, that's not exactly true. I expected to be there all day. I'd visited my sister's church as a kid. The only thing I remembered was falling asleep, waking up, and wondering why on earth we were still there.

When I got to church that day, I was so happy that my sister invited me. I was so happy to stand up and announce that I was her guest. I was so happy because I knew then that I'd found a large part of what I was looking for. I found the place where God wanted to reconnect with me.

I was smiling again. I was happy, hopeful, and optimistic. I was looking forward to my life again. So many things have happened since that day. I can't explain how profoundly my life has changed. My outlook is different. My expectations have changed. I think about where I would be if I'd said no or if she hadn't asked. I am certain that God would have found another way to guide me home. Nevertheless, I thank Him for giving me a sister who thought enough to ask.

90210

So I'm over hating my favorite show. I've graduated to dreaming about it. Last night I had the most vivid dream about my graduation. I kept remembering my good friend Steve Sanders being everywhere I went. Well, I don't know anybody named Steve Sanders personally and I can assure you that the graduation that I was dreaming about took place at West Beverly High and not at Manatee High. I think that I was having an anger issue that day. All I know is my love affair with 90210 is back. Oh and I'm feeling 100% again health wise :)

Scattered Brained

I can't pretend like it doesn't matter anymore. Today I woke up and spent 2 hours making a list of all of the jobs that I've applied to since June. It wasn't a big deal really. I had to do it for an unemployment review. It's just as I was doing it I felt so overwhelmed by the redundancy of my life. So I went for a walk. I started at my elementary school, walked past the church I would belong to had I said my I do's, and ended up at the bridge where I spent so many good days walking with my grandma.

I started out slowly remembering how easy it was when there was only a two lane road and my grandma and I would walk to Bradenton. Retracing my steps was helpful and hurtful. My grandma always knew how to make me feel better. I was her favorite girl. I miss not having her see who I've become, but then I wonder what she would think. What would she think about her granddaughter the hopeless romantic who always seems to be.......well, you know.

Anyhow, the fanatic in me who is gaining weight wanted to walk the actual bridge. The chicken in me kept hearing my doctor say no inclines, no lifting, have a baby. I used to love the sound of my doctor's voice. Her sweet Indian accent. Now, every time I think about her I am sad. She's the one who keeps reminding me that there needs to be something more to my life than spending hours on end looking for a job and reliving my childhood.

My daily dose of 90210 reruns, combined with the sappiness of One Tree Hill, and my own memories have me wondering how long I'm going to have to write about being the single girl. I realize that many people envy my position. They just don't understand it. It is a marvelous situation most of the time, but I'm over it. I need someone to talk to that is not in cyberspace, another state, or a pointless relationship with the rebound girl. Then again, Alex married the rebound girl so maybe rebound relationships aren't pointless after all. I digress.

I don't even know what the point is. The point of this posting is I mean. I started over an hour ago and in between stopping to watch Raising the Bar and reconnecting with Will & Grace, I've lost what I wanted to say.

Just when I thought...

Just when I thought my day wouldn't take another turn, it did. I've been in such an old school, throwback mood for the past two days. It started when I went to update my myspace music list. I couldn't think of anything that I wanted to hear playing on my profile except Bobby Brown. I know some of you might think I'm nuts, but I used to L-O-V-E Bobby Brown. I still remember when my dad bought the Bobby Brown concert video. I used to watch that video every single day. Then my dad took me to the Bobby Brown concert for my birthday. Those were the days when Bobby and daddy could do no wrong.

So for two days it's been lots of Bobby Brown and 90210. I don't know whose idea it was to put free episodes of the original show on the net, but I love that person with all of my heart. I've watched about 10 shows in 2 days. It's comforting because it helps me remember a time when I thought my world was just over. I was such an angst ridden teenager. One minute I thought everything was great and by the end of the 60 seconds I hated myself, my surroundings, my everything. It is so good to remember that. Sometimes it's hard for me to appreciate where I am right now. I'm not that skinny little girl anymore who pigged out with her friends then stayed up for hours exercising. I'm not the girl who feels like she has to hang with the popular girls(even if she can't stand some of them) to fit in. I am certainly not the girl who felt like she was nothing without a boyfriend....preferably a fine one :0.

I don't know when I stopped being that girl. I don't know when just being cool inside of this dark chocolate skin was enough. I'm glad that I knew her. I'm glad that I remember her because just when I thought things really couldn't get any worse....I remembered that they already had and I turned out just fine.