In The Middle Of The Night

In the middle of the night is when some people have epiphanies. This is not an epiphany moment. This is a I fell asleep, woke up, and don't want to be alone with my thoughts moment. Just thought I would put that out there in case this is only toe deep. My thoughts are like a movie flashback for what is now two nights in a row. I can see the past, but I have no concept and only a teaspoon of hope for happy five minutes in front of my face. I am exhausted. It would be simplistic to be reading and mentally pointing fingers. "I wonder what he did now? She should dump him. I wouldn't put up with this. She don't deserve that." News flash it does not matter if he did something. You cannot know what I should do. You have at some point put up with this. A few of you are putting up with far worse right now. And how could you know what I deserve? Now that I have your full attention and you can focus on my thoughts, let me help you.

If you are reading this, someone will hurt you. It may be your best friend, your boyfriend, your father or your mom. Someone that you love will hold your trust in their hands and toss it aside. Someone that you love will forget to say I love you in words, thoughts, and deeds. Someone that you love will make you cry. I have in 37 glorious years been wounded by every single person that I love, but my readers will not reflect on the hurt they at one point or the other caused. They will just read and wonder outwardly what someone else has done. That is lazy. Here is a more productive exercise.

I cheated on the boy who many only know from a date rape story that I wrote in my senior English class. Oh he was guilty of violating me, but I cheated. I cheated and though it was after his act, no one says he didn't deserve that. They only stare at me and wonder how I forgave him. I forgave him because he asked and I was supposed to. He did not forgive me. You see I never asked. I never owned that I cheated. I just projected my hurt feelings for him and the world to pity. Ironically, I loathe the story now. It happened and for storytelling purposes it is an exquisite piece of literature. It just is not my sad story anymore.

Through the years I have hurt all of you. Well all of you that are known to me that is. This is after all a public blog. I have hurt you and I believe that all our grievances have been resolved. I like to think that I did not mean it. In more than one instance, that is simply not true. We hurt people on purpose, on accident, on Sunday-Saturday. We hurt cause we are hurt or we are afraid of being hurt. We hurt the ones we love far deeper than the ones we like and I need everyone to own that. I need everyone to say I have been the cause of someone's pain. I will be the cause of someone's pain. Now for those of you who are super deep, you are not speaking negatively about your future. You are acknowledging a truth. Whether intentionally or not, you & I will hurt someone we love. We will have a starring role in their drama. When the day comes remember, in the middle of the night I made you own it.

 Adayinthelife:-)