Fraud

So today I went to an Al Anon meeting. I wanted to leave after only five minutes. Unfortunately, I was seated across the room from the door and my departure would have been more conspicuous as my just being there. Before I get too far into this, I went to the meeting for school. I am not currently dealing with an alcoholic. I make this distinction because at times people confuse the wide range of my life with my here and now. This truth is partially why I felt like a fraud. I stopped living the life of someone who was consumed with an alcoholic some time ago. But there I was, a silent intruder, sitting surrounded by people whose struggle is fresh.

I wanted to leave, but I sat there wondering when they would stop talking so I could flee the scene of my emotional crime. I hated being there just as I hate so much of what has become my school experience (rest assured there is a post coming about that). I was told it would be good to see what it was like to be in a group. I didn't need to spend an hour out of my day with that. I've loved an alcoholic for 18 years. I've lived what I listened to. There were moments when he hurt me, disappointed me, made me feel completely helpless. I remember pleading with him to calm down moments before the police led him away for what they thought was him threatening my neighbor with a knife. I remember calling around for hours looking for him when he disappeared in the middle of the night. I didn't need to go to a meeting to see what it is like. The thing is, I am so beyond all of that.

Truthfully, none of it is what defined our relationship or dictated my memories. I remember when I was lost and consumed with grief. He was the one who God sent to help me. He was the one who sat with me in a graveyard in the middle of the night. He was the one that let me grieve the way that I needed to. He was the one who held my hand, let me cry, and reminded me what it was to live. I didn't need to go there to know what living with an alcoholic was like. I didn't need to hear someone say to me " we've all been where you are right now". They haven't. Not at all. They've never been totally alright with loving an alcoholic regardless of the ups and downs. They've never been a fraud.

I'm a fraud because even when things were bad, never not once did I feel like going to a meeting. Never did I feel completely powerless or like my life was out of control. He tried to cut my leg once with a machete, but not even that made me want to do anything except make sure he was going to be safe. I've never felt like I couldn't go forward because he had a drink. His drinking impacted moments in my life certainly. But his love, his patience, his friendship defined those moments. I didn't need to be there to know what it was like. Adayinthelife:-)