So I Was Just Thinking

I was just thinking about how it is really important to not but your faith in people. I am grateful to have been taught this lesson. It is recently been on my mind because people are so fickle. People tell you one thing and then use their wonderful free will to up and change their minds. People make promises that they simply can not keep. I am frustrated because I feel like I'm a simple girl with simple needs. I don't require a lot from people. I try really hard to just be fair. Often it doesn't work out the way I would like it to, but that doesn't stop me from trying.....

I haven't put myself in a position to be disappointed by anyone. I just feel that quite a few people's recent actions are disappointing. I don't understand how the value systems of my friends are being thrown out the window for......well, I don't know what for. I don't know why one of my friends took to the airwaves to diss somebody. I don't know why two of my best girls are at odds. I don't know why a good friend won't admit that he's hurting. And I certainly don't know what to do with I don't believe. It's just all a mess, but thankfully for once it isn't mine.

I Feel Like I Can Make It....

...the storm is indeed over. I recently spent a great deal of time toying with something. I did the toying in private because I didn't want anyone to have anything to say about it. I didn't want to have to justify or clarify what I was feeling. I still don't. I just want to say it's all better now. I still didn't sleep well last night. It seems that now that I'm done toying I've graduated to obsessing.

I had the same thought all the way to Georgia on Thursday and all the way back to Florida today. I tried listening to a CD, but the words just made me sure that the toying had been for nothing and no matter what it looks like today, I already received a promise. I feel like I can make it through the weeks ahead without worry about the outcome. I feel like I can make it through months and even (God forbid) years if it is necessary.

I have seen the fulfillment of the promise and I must say that some of it makes me sad. Many will be lost because they won't be able to embrace the fact that what's for me is for me. They will not care that I am happy. They will not care that it's what God wants. They will look at my promise, my joy, and feel angry. I am sad because these people will not only lose me, but they will lose the blessing of being joined together. I am sad but, it's God's promise and I feel like I can make it....

Incomplete

I couldn't have imagined how hard it would be to be at home. I thought that I would come back and have some great adventure. The problem is I came back and I'm reminded that I don't have a home. Yesterday, a friend of my sister asked if I lived in Sarasota. I told her I don't live anywhere. She gave me a puzzled look, but it is the truth.

How can I say I live in Atlanta when I don't have a life there? How can I say I live in Bradenton when here, I don't have a home? It is the basis of what has made being here so unsettling, but it is not what has been keeping me up the past few nights.

At first is was the marathon conversation that I had last week with Cameron, then it was the dreams. I should say it was the fear of the dreams, because truly I have not recently had one. It's just that I have been reminded of the first one. I have been reminded that when I asked God a question, a critical question, He answered me in a dream. He answered me and though it was clear I was confused. I didn't know what I was supposed to do because in my minds eye the answer did not satisfy the question.

The answer was received three years ago. I have asked the same question many times since then. In the beginning, God showed me the same answer. After a while, He stopped responding at all. For a long time I wondered why He would stop answering me. It was only a few days ago that I realized He hadn't stopped answering. Like any parent He simply grew tired of repeating what He knew had already been told.

He Was Feeling Me Too??? Are You Freaking Kidding Me?

It all started with I need your help. That's not true, it all started seven years ago in an apartment at Knight's Krossing. At that time I was naive, closed off from the possibility of my own greatness. I was not yet searching for completeness, but I was searching for acceptance. Acceptance isn't the right word. I think validation is more precise. I was searching for someone who understood me, who was in tuned with the inside of me.

I've always had people who accepted me. My family accepts me. My friends accept me. None of them get me. None of them understand what it's like to walk in my shoes. I feel things on a level that is often overwhelming for me. I often don't know quite how to put things into words and when I do I'm laughed at or misunderstood. It is terrible and extremely lonely at times. For example, I was completely serious when writing my last post. Problem is everyone thought it was for comic relief. I know that 90210 is a TV show, but I felt for Donna and David the same way I feel for my real friends. I know that in TV land they were meant to be. Their love is real.

Today was great because for two hours I was reminded that I am understood...at least by one person. He has always understood me even from our first meeting. He feels what I feel when I'm trying to get a point across. He hurts or is happy and it's awesome. It's awesome, but today in the midst of it all was a crease. We had a wrinkle in the fabric of our relationship.

I always thought that I had been naked before him. I always thought that he knew the truths without me telling them, but the one thing that he didn't know was that he is my truth. He is my beginning and my end. He is my acceptance and my failure. He is the possibility and the improbability. He is me and I am him, but we are two. Two hearts, two lives, two beings whose lives intersected by chance or maybe by fate. I have always believed that we were meant to meet. What would it be like if we were meant to be?

Are You Freaking Kidding Me?

I have waited for almost 10 years for the return of Donna Martin to 90210 and these yahoos have the nerve to bring her back and say that her and David are separated!!!!!! Am I the only one who remembers their wedding? I still cry when I think about what David and Donna went through to be together. I am OFFICIALLY done. I can't believe this, this is worse than when Josh and Reva split up on the Guiding Light. I think I'm going to have to go into counseling.....

Preventing Another Senseless Death

Everyday people lose their lives in senseless deaths. The news reports chronicle the life of the deceased. We sit and listen to the television or read intently about it over the internet. We share our horror and outrage in conversations, emails, and texts. We put our heads together trying in vain to find ways to prevent another senseless death. In these moments we would do anything, be anything to comfort the grieving parent. In our efforts to make sense of what happened we forget that everyday many perpetuate the ultimate senseless death. For every child lost in a drive by, for every mother or father claimed by a drunk driver there is one Jesus. One Jesus whose death is senseless to all that do not know Him. Take the time to share your story of Jesus. Your action can help prevent another senseless death.