I'm Not Hiding Anymore

A few days ago a friend told me that I have a habit of hiding behind my words. I agreed and disagreed with his assessment. So much of what I write is just for me to get it out at that moment. It becomes about hiding when I stop and think about the questions that people will ask. When I have to deal with the fall out of something that is just me having a moment about something or taking a time out, I resort to evasive writing. So I decided, after a much needed bonding session with my cousin (love you AJ), to come clean. Here's the deal. Since April 24th I've written 25 or 26 posts. All of those, with the exception of about 5, were about the same person. Now I realize that most people have no idea who that person is. Well, it's Eric. Eric is my very best friend. I don't say that to discredit any of my other friends. I say it because he's my laughter, he's my protector, he's my confidant. He's my everything that I thought I ever needed or wanted in a friend. Up until recently, I had never told him a lie. I had never kept anything from him. But I made a bad decision and decided that withholding the truth wasn't exactly a lie.

Our relationship has been strained in the past months. It has been strained by a question that has not had a conclusive answer. It has been strained because I didn't feel like he should bear the weight of what was going through my mind. So I dressed a lot of my writing in different clothes. I pretended that things that I could care less about were important.

I decided on Thursday that I didn't want to do that anymore. I didn't want to hide behind my words. I didn't want to, but even when I talked to him I still did. I talked to him, but I didn't tell him that 20 of those 25 posts was all about what's been going through my mind concerning him. I talked to him, but he still hasn't read "That Girl". I talked to him, but I hadn't stopped hiding behind it all until right now. He is my best friend. He is the beginning and end of many of life's pressing thoughts. That's about all I plan to say about this. Charles, I hope you're happy now.

When Baking Won't Work....

I turn to the only other thing that brings me relief from my thoughts. I can't take much more of the thoughts running through my mind. I wonder what it means when he asks me how I feel. I wonder what it means when he tells me how special I am. I wonder what any of it could possibly mean. I wonder, but there are never any answers. There are always more questions.

Why would he make a life altering decision just because? Why does it still even matter to me? Why am I such a horrid person for even having thoughts about him? In the morning, I think of him. He's with me all day. I take him to work. He is a part of my every conversation though he is never mentioned. I am completely taken by him. I want to know what it means. I want to know what it's all for. Is he or isn't he?

I am so overwhelmed by feelings that are older than me, stronger than me, and so confusing to me. He's the first boy I ever loved. And the girl that he knew doesn't even exist. But the one that's here right now can't do anything except think of him and wonder what happens now.

Silent Prayer

I have playing in my head the song Silent Prayer by Shanice. I want to explain in my own words, but the words of the song say everything without me having to say anything.

Silent Prayer by Shanice
Featuring Johnny Gill
(N.M. Walden and J. Cohen song writers)

I send to you my silent prayer
Before I sleep at night
I send to you my silent prayer
Baby so you'll be alright

Every morning I think of you
I just can't shake off my dreams...no, no
I read the paper and watch the news
I don't know what it means

When you do what you've got to do
You must know that I'm there with you
Every breath that I take...I hope and I pray
Sweet baby...baby be ok

Chorus
Silent prayer
Silent prayer
Silent prayer
I send to you my silent prayer

I hold a picture of a golden sunset
And I'll take your hand
We're gonna walk down that promised road
Just like we planned

'Cause I know what I'm gonna do
Just as soon as I'm back with you
Every breath that I take...I hope and I pray
Sweet baby...baby be ok

A Teenage Love

So many things are running through my mind right now. I want to be asleep, but I close my eyes and I see all of us sitting under the tree. I see us walking down the railroad tracks. Going back and forth to the julip lady's house for snacks. In my mind I'm remembering the 5th Sunday congress and Boardwalk & Baseball. The trips we took to Lithia Springs are rolling through like a movie reel. Sometimes we were at our house. Sometimes we were sitting in chairs on the side of Monica's house. Wherever we were, we were all together. There was so much love then. So much love and so many memories. Playing Pac Man at the laundromat. Getting cookies from Ms. Luvinia's store. Walking to Bradenton for the parade. Buying matching outfits for the fair. I remember so many things. I wonder why these thoughts are in my mind.

I am remembering my first boyfriend....the simplicity of our first kiss. These things were all in a time where a teenage love wasn't all that complicated. You held hands. You kissed. You made plans. But mostly, you waited for something to happen. You waited to be an adult. You waited and while you were waiting you forgot to savor the moments. You assumed that growing up would be better and you would all always be together. Now, it is not so. The place you all shared and loved is only a fraction of what it once was. Houses line the field near the railroad tracks. Grandma's house is long gone. We are all scattered about living these lives that we waited for. All I want is to go to sleep, but somehow all I can do is remember and wonder why we thought that this would be so much better than it was.