The Music

Oh outlet...you provide me with such a sweet release. Tonight I felt like dancing. Tonight I felt like singing. I felt like I was living this life instead of just breathing. I felt like hope was filling me up in a way I hadn't been filled before. The music touched me deep on the inside. The music made me wonder how I could not spend every day just dancing and being filled with smiles and laughter. The music made me see so many happy faces floating around in my head. The music answered questions, calmed nervousness, and set aside fears. The music lifted me so high...but the words silenced the rhythm and it felt like the world stop spinning in that moment and I sat very still.

Memories of you

A few years ago I realized that I had a new best friend. It was kind of strange because I'd had the same best friend for a decade and I never thought that there would be anything that we couldn't conquer together. When I first referred to you as my best friend it felt just like being at home. I hadn't lost my other friends. I hadn't even lost my original best friend. I had just found something that seemed to fit just so. I found balance where I was uncertain. Laughter soon replaced many tears. The tears still came....that's just my way. It was different some how. Crying used to make me feel worse. With you on the other end everything seemed like it could somehow be better. You have always been my hope. You, the optimistic one. The consummate thinker who made me feel like I could be so much more than I was.
I am so overwhelmed with happy thoughts. I am remembering the simplicity of us getting to know each other. I remember when we met but I don't remember not being friends. It's not that I don't know that there is a space in time where unfamiliarity exists. It's just we've lived...we shared so many things. And right now I'm sad beyond comprehension. I feel like I've lost my compass. My faith is what will ultimately see me through, but I keep hearing Bishop Porter singing...."memories of you are etched in my mind and I find myself thinking of you all the time. sometimes my days turn into tears because I'm not there with you."

The Bride and Bridegroom

It took me going through a few things to understand something about the bride and bridegroom. I forgot that the ultimate union is not between a man and a woman. The ultimate union is between the Lord and the church. A single person is to be concerned with the things of God, while a married person is to be concerned with the things of the world (how to be pleasing to a husband/wife). I realized recently that I was out of order. I was concerned with the things of the world when I should have been concerned with the things of God.

Last year I was perplexed and a little excited when it was placed on my heart to prepare for the big day. I thought that preparation meant a lot of things. Many of the things that women do crossed my mind. Many of them took root in my mind and became the things that I obsessed about. The things that garnered all of my time were all about the world. I spent time looking at dresses, invitations, locations, etc. I somehow that the the world's preparation was what I was to focus on. There is nothing wrong with wanting a nice dress. There is nothing wrong with choosing nice invitations. The root of the problem is my preparation was all about worldly things. I hadn't considered truly preparing for the bridegroom. I hadn't considered the Godliness of it all. Instead of choosing a dress, I should have been reading what God says about how a wife must present herself. Instead of spending time worrying about the path of my groom, I should have been spending time with the one I'd already given myself to.

Giving your life to God is such a blessing, but we often miss what is in front of us because we are consumed with the trappings of this world. Believers, do not neglect your groom. Show Him the love you desire. Only He can truly know how to meet your need.

I'm Over It Now

I'm over it now. Over it now. I can't see how, but I'm over it.

I have to thank God for always, always having my back. Yesterday I wrote something that I wasn't really pleased with, but it was on my mind. I was trying to figure out if everything is so great why do I still feel this way. One of my friends called me and she said "I'm going to tell you a story." When she said that somehow I knew that she had the answer that I was seeking. It's a little hard to put into words, but I'll try.

Last year was such a blessing for me. Every trial that I had was ordered by the Lord. Every triumph that followed was His way of showing me there IS a blessing in ever lesson. One of the things that happened last year was I saw my life. I saw where it used to be, I saw where it was, and I saw where God planned for me to end up. It was the scariest thing because so much of it was about Him where before it had all been about me. What I wrote yesterday was about me spending too much time in the flesh. I have a great life because I'm living in obedience. I have a great life because all of it (the sad days I spend by myself, the triumphs with my kids)is a part of what God wants for me.

I say thank you for all of you who've stuck by me in the mist of this journey. I say a special thank you to Elle Woods. We had no idea what it meant when we met, but God had all of this in his plan and I'm over it now. Over it now. I can't say how, but I'm over it.

Now What?

I don't really feel like writing anything on here, but I think that I should. The past week has been great and miserable all at the same time. The great moments have primarily revolved around my kids. I was determined to do things different with them and I am already seeing positive results. I have a student who ended the semester with a 20% average. He currently has 100%. I've started my mentoring group again.... All of that is great. Absolutely great. It's just when school is over, when church is over...I have to go home. I have come to hate going home. I hate it because there's no one there. There's no one waiting for me or visiting me or anything. There is just me and I'm so tired of that. I'm so tired of nothing. I keep asking myself now what? The kids are on track, I feel like I'm growing spiritually, but NOW WHAT? What exactly am I supposed to do? I read books. I bake. I watch movies. I talk to friends. After all of that it still feels like nothing is happening.

I Want to Scream Already

I want to scream because for some reason I thought that all of this would be way easier than it is. I thought that this little person who I evicted would just stay away. I thought that kicking her out was the best possible scenario, but I'm not so sure. She has been trying to get back into my good graces and I just may have to let her. This morning she showed up and politely advised me to smile, wave, and say nothing. Funny thing is I complied...eagerly.

The thing is it was easier when shy lived with me. I didn't have to think about anything the way I have for the past couple of weeks. I didn't have to wonder what he thought about me, my hair, the things that I say...the list goes on and on. I didn't have to wonder because I hadn't talked to him and while I'm happy that I did, this new world of wonder is driving me insane.