Settling In

I've had such a stress filled week. It was the kind of week where one day blended into the next. There were sleepless nights and days filled with one thing and then the other. Last night was the hardest for me because I had to put on a hat that I wasn't ready to wear. I had to be for my new friend the person that I have been for so many others in the past. The difference was everything is still so new. Everything is still so fresh.

I found myself looking at him with absolute wonder. He needed me. It was that simple, yet a part of me felt the weight of it in a way I haven't before. I told him that it feels like we've gone from zero to five million in record time. The calendar says one month has passed, but we have traveled so far beyond that. I feel him when we are apart. I long to see him when he momentarily leaves the room. He is becoming such an important part of my life. This morning I went to check on him and I realized that I was settling in. The care and concern are becoming second nature. My desires for me are becoming desires for us. I love it. I absolutely love the space I'm in.

In The Heat of the Moment

You should never make a decision in the heat of the moment. Last night, I did just that. I should have taken a moment to vent or laugh or cry or whatever. Instead I wrote something that I regret. I didn't realize that writing it was out of fear. I'm so afraid to be hurt. I'm so afraid to be loved that I'd rather waste time pondering over a closed situation. I decided to delete the post last night. This morning I decided to honestly try. I decided to try to forget about those who didn't this or didn't that. I decided to focus on what is before me.

I realized last night that I don't truly even know what that is. I look at him and I see question marks. I see potential. I see failure. I see myself saddling him with too much because of what was before. My triumphs and my failures crowd my mind and I feel just so tired of even being aware of it all. He's so sweet to me and I want to give him a chance, but I don't even know how.

In the beginning

In the beginning of a relationship there are so many moments that happen. There are so many things racing by that we often forget to just stop and look and reflect. I'm feeling reflective because I think I'm at the beginning and I don't want any of the things to pass by and fade into nothingness.

I want to remember the very first time he said "you are absolutely beautiful". I felt completely exposed almost like I was naked. I had a frown on my face courtesy of my sixth period class and all I wanted was to go to home and go to bed. But he saw me as beautiful. I remember looking into his eyes and feeling every one of his words. He puzzled me. He intrigued me. When he smiled, I wanted it to go with me. I wanted to take it to my house and fill all the empty space. I wanted to wear it as my shield everyday when my kids started to drive me nuts. The problem was I didn't even know his name. I just knew that he thought I was beautiful just as I was.

After that, I found reasons to run into him. He always had a smile and a kind word. I looked forward to seeing him and if he wasn't there I was sad. I was sad because there was something about him that just made me want to know more. Then, I remembered. I'd already had a funeral for shy and there was really no more room for her.

I was like a bumbling idiot the day I decided to talk to him. I couldn't remember anything that I'd rehearsed. All I wanted was for him to call me, but I just stood there stuck in a moment. Even then, he made me feel like everything was going to be ok. I got lost in the sound of his voice coaxing me to talk to him.(I really love the sound of his voice.) I couldn't say a word, but I was so happy with myself because I tried.

Thankfully, he called me. Since then there have been so many moments in such a small amount of time. He looks at me like I'm the only person in the world. He smiles and I am so at ease. He's thoughtful in a way that is new and exciting for me. I am happy. I am hopeful. I am relishing the beginning.

Letting Go of the Hurt

Yesterday I had to call up my ex for advice. I had to call him because he knows me. He knows my heart and he knows how easy it is for me to be hurt. I don't think he knew how hard it was to call him for advice. I don't think he knew how hard it was for me to admit that he was the only one who knew what was really going on on the inside. He was the only one who knew how hard it was for me to stay with him and how devastated I was to walk away. He understood that what is before me is not a cut and dry decision. It is another blow to something that has been dying for a long time.

I am supposed to be this little beacon of hope. I'm supposed to be writing this post so that someone somewhere can walk away with something positive. It's hard to do when the person writing just keeps feeling like she has to walk away and this time there's just nothing positive about it.