Never Look Back

The theme of this summer can be summed up in three words. Never look back. I've been trying for weeks to get this done, but writing this has been a bit of a strain for me. The past few days have just been one blob of time sandwiched together. But here I am and here we go. So much can be said about my going "home". Home is a word that is used to describe the place of your familiar. It is the place where you grow and love. It is the place where you live. It is for me an evolving concept. Last year, I went "home" to Bradenton. This year, I went to Bradenton to visit. I didn't feel like I was returning home. I felt like I was stopping over in this place where my heart used to be. I was reinvigorated in Bradenton. I was loved on by my family and friends. It was for once a totally satisfying experience. But, it was no longer home. I stepped outside of my norms and realized familiar was no longer my comfort zone. I went through each day sharing time with people who helped shape where I was then. They also helped me to be ok with where I am now. I'm in a new place physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I must admit that it isn't anything like what I imagined. I've navigated through being frustrated, disappointed, and alone. That's way more than I expected for week one. Even now, as I'm finally writing this, I am trying to see past the moment. I'm trying to see past drawing parallels between my old and my new home. The comparisons are both few and endless. The thing that has me right now is the sound of my dad's voice. I am a little girl again. I hear him telling me first one thing and then the next. I believe him because he is my dad. He is my #1 and I love him. The thing is he's lying. He's telling me words that sound good but will go unfufilled. Each time he does it, I hope more....but I never had a chance to cry any less. I want to silence the memory that has invaded my mind and invaded this post. I want to write about how this summer I came into my own. I want to write about how this summer I cleaned house and turned away from what was holding me back. Each time I try to refocus, I hear the same thing. Only this time I'm not looking back.