I've been pondering a decision I made a while ago. When I made it, I was unsure of myself and unsure of the desired outcome. Now I feel like it's time to fight for what's mine. It's time to stand up and say " I made a mistake. I shouldn't have done that. I didn't not intend to just roll over and die." The problem is I only recently realized I never fight for anything. I've had people stand up for me my whole life. I always throw in the towel.
I was blessed with a fearless mom, psychotic brothers, and a stern dad. My mom never let anybody say anything against me. If I felt I had suffered some injustice, she or my dad fixed it. My brother's insured that I never had to feel threatened by anyone. So all these years I thought I was the one who would stand up to anybody. I actually never had to. Sure, I fought a girl in high school and intimidated my share of idiots who liked my boyfriends, but....
Right now I'm faced with the fight of my life. I'm already losing just because I don't know how to begin. I don't know how to set the stakes. I don't know how to insure a win. I just know that it feels like my life, the one that was promised to me is slipping away. I don't want my future to be stifled by my ignorance, my inability to ride into battle and win. I want my life back. Now, if only I could figure out how to fight.
2 comments:
Oh...ok, so now we're on the same page.
You know, I hate to be "one of those people." Ya know, the ones that throw scripture at everything, but...I guess I'm just one of those people.
And oh, I may be taking the wrong spin entirely on what you're saying but I question what you mean when you say you want your life back. Do you really? Do you want what you had or do you want control of your life? Either way, you have to view your motives and desires through a biblical microscope.
The only way for Candy to get the best out of her life is to let the "Candy maker" run the show. He knows the conditions under which Candy runs best; he engineered her to work a certain way. If Candy is utilized in a way other than He intended, the results will be adverse to the end user (Candy).
There's nothing wrong with going to the bible and you are not "those people" :) I want my life back in the sense that things, essential things are slipping. I don't want a sense of I'm in control and I'm not trying to revert back to my party girl days.
What has happened is actually I let go of some things that God set up for me. I let go of some things that were divinely mine and I don't know how to fix it. I know that God is in control, but I also know that he wants me to do something to right the wrongs that I've caused.
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