So today I decided that I had to do something win or lose. When I woke up I was having the craziest dream and it made me feel like your life is going to be just like your nightmares if you don't step up. The first order of business was to get out of the house. I decided to go to the church to volunteer for a few hours. This probably was the hardest part of my day. The decision part of it that is. I think there is fundamentally something wrong with free labor.
Anyhow, I ended up proctoring tests for two students. It was a bit mundane, but the principal seemed to be sincerely pleased that he wouldn't have the task anymore. The look on his face was enough to make it worth my while. I spent about 4 hours doing this and then I was presented with an opportunity to really see if I was ready to go into battle.
I'm not going to give it a lot of lip service because I'm selfish and I'm still truly on cloud nine. I am proud of myself though. I was able to do something that had been weighing me down for months. I was still afraid. I was still unsure of myself and utterly dreading the outcome. The thing is stepping out was the hardest part. When it was over I felt completely free like I didn't have a care in the world. And I am still basking in that feeling. I have no idea if the ultimate outcome will be what is considered favorable. I just know that this is one battle I've already won.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Throwing in the towel
I've been pondering a decision I made a while ago. When I made it, I was unsure of myself and unsure of the desired outcome. Now I feel like it's time to fight for what's mine. It's time to stand up and say " I made a mistake. I shouldn't have done that. I didn't not intend to just roll over and die." The problem is I only recently realized I never fight for anything. I've had people stand up for me my whole life. I always throw in the towel.
I was blessed with a fearless mom, psychotic brothers, and a stern dad. My mom never let anybody say anything against me. If I felt I had suffered some injustice, she or my dad fixed it. My brother's insured that I never had to feel threatened by anyone. So all these years I thought I was the one who would stand up to anybody. I actually never had to. Sure, I fought a girl in high school and intimidated my share of idiots who liked my boyfriends, but....
Right now I'm faced with the fight of my life. I'm already losing just because I don't know how to begin. I don't know how to set the stakes. I don't know how to insure a win. I just know that it feels like my life, the one that was promised to me is slipping away. I don't want my future to be stifled by my ignorance, my inability to ride into battle and win. I want my life back. Now, if only I could figure out how to fight.
I was blessed with a fearless mom, psychotic brothers, and a stern dad. My mom never let anybody say anything against me. If I felt I had suffered some injustice, she or my dad fixed it. My brother's insured that I never had to feel threatened by anyone. So all these years I thought I was the one who would stand up to anybody. I actually never had to. Sure, I fought a girl in high school and intimidated my share of idiots who liked my boyfriends, but....
Right now I'm faced with the fight of my life. I'm already losing just because I don't know how to begin. I don't know how to set the stakes. I don't know how to insure a win. I just know that it feels like my life, the one that was promised to me is slipping away. I don't want my future to be stifled by my ignorance, my inability to ride into battle and win. I want my life back. Now, if only I could figure out how to fight.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Reconciliation
In the past week I have thought alot about reconciliation. I know that a part of it is due to my being able to find so many of my classmates on facebook (I love the internet). A part of it is because I am wanting to address a feeling that has been plaguing me. I feel so disconnected from my friends, my family, my life. It's almost like I am existing outside of myself. I am in a happy place, yet I don't really feel like I'm there.
A prime example is how I feel about revival. We have been in revival at my church for the past couple of weeks. I've gone to just about all of the nightly meetings. I've listened, learned, and been inspired. But I can't put any of it into words. I used to be able to write little inspirational notes to others based on the things I'd learned. I used to be able to call a friend and talk about how good I felt just being there. I haven't been able to do that and I don't know why. I notice that I feel agitated about the freezing temperature in the sanctuary, the lack of singing, the time, whatever. Things that used to be of little consequence to me are so big all of a sudden. Last week I even missed an entire service because I was standing outside talking... The conversation was meaningful and touching and necessary even though it was initially unwelcome. It's just I never stood outside during an ENTIRE service. I never let something else so distract me.
It made me feel like I really want to be reconciled to the things I love. I want to hang out with my cousin. I want to pick fights with my brother about who's getting fatter (though at the moment I might want to let that one be). I want to have my friend Marcie come over with humus or some other contraption that I would never consent to eating. I want to actually see my dad. I want to feel like I'm helping to win souls. I want to go shopping. I want to go to the mountains. I want there to be a freaking FSU game on tv already! I want to have my car detailed....yes, that is something I love to do. I want to be able to write something besides this blog
A prime example is how I feel about revival. We have been in revival at my church for the past couple of weeks. I've gone to just about all of the nightly meetings. I've listened, learned, and been inspired. But I can't put any of it into words. I used to be able to write little inspirational notes to others based on the things I'd learned. I used to be able to call a friend and talk about how good I felt just being there. I haven't been able to do that and I don't know why. I notice that I feel agitated about the freezing temperature in the sanctuary, the lack of singing, the time, whatever. Things that used to be of little consequence to me are so big all of a sudden. Last week I even missed an entire service because I was standing outside talking... The conversation was meaningful and touching and necessary even though it was initially unwelcome. It's just I never stood outside during an ENTIRE service. I never let something else so distract me.
It made me feel like I really want to be reconciled to the things I love. I want to hang out with my cousin. I want to pick fights with my brother about who's getting fatter (though at the moment I might want to let that one be). I want to have my friend Marcie come over with humus or some other contraption that I would never consent to eating. I want to actually see my dad. I want to feel like I'm helping to win souls. I want to go shopping. I want to go to the mountains. I want there to be a freaking FSU game on tv already! I want to have my car detailed....yes, that is something I love to do. I want to be able to write something besides this blog
Friday, September 12, 2008
My first substitute job
I have my first substitute job today! Break out the excitement. I get to go spend the day at my old middle school. It probably would be a tad bit more exciting if I were just waking up instead of being just about to leave. It's 5 minutes away, but thanks to the great car situation with my sister, I'll be there 40 minutes before I need to be.....ain't life grand.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Being offensive vs. People being offended by you
Being offensive vs. People being offended by you By Michae Allen (It was so good, I asked permission to post it)
I read something today about praying in public and the core idea was not offending others. Basically, it was saying that Christ should shine through in your life but pushing Him into people's faces could make Him unattractive to them.
I read the article and it really bothered me. I turned to my wife and said, "this is where it starts." I was talking about the gospel of inclusion, this new age concept of a god that is palatable to everyone.
In Luke 12:51 - 53, Jesus said, "Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law." It's funny that we never hear about this Jesus. All we ever hear these days is "God is love" and when a Christian says something that makes people uncomfortable, they're either crazy or narrow minded.
There is a huge difference between actively offending people and people being offended by you. Normally in grammar, we are taught not to use the passive voice, but as Christians, our passive voice is quite powerful and people will be plenty offended without us actively doing so. If I say, "yes, the bible says that Jesus is the way the truth and the life and no one comes to the Father except through Him" there are those that will be offended. Nevertheless, the bible says it, so it's true. If I say, "you're gay, so you're going to hell" that is highly offensive and carries no evangelistic weight. Furthermore, I don't have to love anyone or have any good intentions to make that statement.Can you see the difference?
The gospel is the good news of Jesus Christ. Oftentimes, we tell folks the bad news that they really already know; that saves no one. Sure, when we share the good news, people will hear what they want to hear and be offended, but that should not deter us from doing our duty as people of God. Understand that our sinful nature hates God and wants nothing to do with Him. Our handling the gospel with "kid gloves" does not make it easier to swallow. That is not even our concern. No, we don't fling God's word at folks, but we are not ashamed of it either. Point people to the cross and let the Word speak for itself.
Choose Jesus Christ
I read something today about praying in public and the core idea was not offending others. Basically, it was saying that Christ should shine through in your life but pushing Him into people's faces could make Him unattractive to them.
I read the article and it really bothered me. I turned to my wife and said, "this is where it starts." I was talking about the gospel of inclusion, this new age concept of a god that is palatable to everyone.
In Luke 12:51 - 53, Jesus said, "Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law." It's funny that we never hear about this Jesus. All we ever hear these days is "God is love" and when a Christian says something that makes people uncomfortable, they're either crazy or narrow minded.
There is a huge difference between actively offending people and people being offended by you. Normally in grammar, we are taught not to use the passive voice, but as Christians, our passive voice is quite powerful and people will be plenty offended without us actively doing so. If I say, "yes, the bible says that Jesus is the way the truth and the life and no one comes to the Father except through Him" there are those that will be offended. Nevertheless, the bible says it, so it's true. If I say, "you're gay, so you're going to hell" that is highly offensive and carries no evangelistic weight. Furthermore, I don't have to love anyone or have any good intentions to make that statement.Can you see the difference?
The gospel is the good news of Jesus Christ. Oftentimes, we tell folks the bad news that they really already know; that saves no one. Sure, when we share the good news, people will hear what they want to hear and be offended, but that should not deter us from doing our duty as people of God. Understand that our sinful nature hates God and wants nothing to do with Him. Our handling the gospel with "kid gloves" does not make it easier to swallow. That is not even our concern. No, we don't fling God's word at folks, but we are not ashamed of it either. Point people to the cross and let the Word speak for itself.
Choose Jesus Christ
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
You Can't Beat God Giving
A few days ago a friend of mine called to check on me. We talked about my health issues and my difficulty finding a job. We prayed on the spot. He told me that he wanted to think about some things and he would get back to me. I knew that something would happen because he is the same person that prayed for me to be healed a couple years ago. (Thank God for 2 years of no pain or complication)
I saw him and his wife at church tonight. She asked me if I still needed money to pay for fingerprinting so that I could substitute teach. I told her I did. She told me they'd discussed it and decided to give me the money. She and I walked to their car after church in search of the missing husband. He was already there writing me the check. As he was handing it to me, another gentleman walked up and placed a check in his hand. The check he received covered the check that he'd written and then some. I was speechless. We were all so happy and excited. This just goes to show, you can't beat God giving.
I saw him and his wife at church tonight. She asked me if I still needed money to pay for fingerprinting so that I could substitute teach. I told her I did. She told me they'd discussed it and decided to give me the money. She and I walked to their car after church in search of the missing husband. He was already there writing me the check. As he was handing it to me, another gentleman walked up and placed a check in his hand. The check he received covered the check that he'd written and then some. I was speechless. We were all so happy and excited. This just goes to show, you can't beat God giving.
What next?
It's been a really long day/night and I don't know whether I want to write this blog anymore. Last night when I posted Stumbling I was so on edge. I'd received a bunch of calls/texts about this drama and the next. I was taken off guard by all of it. I wanted to write how I was feeling. I wanted to express how much was going on inside of me. The fear that I had for what was happening. The sense of dread about what may be to come.
I decided not to write about it out of respect for those people involved. I decided to hold on to what I was feeling in hopes that when I woke up it would all be a big misunderstanding. I kept feeling like I had to say something. I had to give up at least a small part of what I was feeling. I decided to look through my poetry. The first poem that I found was too much about love. The second lacked the sense of urgency that I was feeling. Stumbling was a perfect choice. It appealed to the possibility of love while acknowledging a profound loss. I remember how I felt when I wrote it. I remember how I felt when I shared it with the person who it was written for. I knew that he would approve of me sharing it......not as a way to rehash anything, but as a way to say I'm torn about what is happening with my friends right now.
Almost as soon as the posting went up, I received the offensive message that follows:
"What in the FUCK is wrong with YOU. You are displaying a lot of psychotic characteristics. Please go get some help."
I won't say who sent it. It really doesn't matter. I tried to explain what the motivation was (via email). I received 2 more offensive responses. I was angry when I read them. I was angry because I didn't deserve that. I was angry because it made me start thinking about what I'm doing here. I didn't start a blog to dish about anyone's life except my own. But it seems that my decision to not name names creates so much pettiness. Believe it or not, I didn't just start writing poetry. I thought this would be helpful for me, but maybe I was kidding myself. Maybe I will just throw in the towel. A blog is not worth the way the emails made me feel as I read them or how I feel still.
I decided not to write about it out of respect for those people involved. I decided to hold on to what I was feeling in hopes that when I woke up it would all be a big misunderstanding. I kept feeling like I had to say something. I had to give up at least a small part of what I was feeling. I decided to look through my poetry. The first poem that I found was too much about love. The second lacked the sense of urgency that I was feeling. Stumbling was a perfect choice. It appealed to the possibility of love while acknowledging a profound loss. I remember how I felt when I wrote it. I remember how I felt when I shared it with the person who it was written for. I knew that he would approve of me sharing it......not as a way to rehash anything, but as a way to say I'm torn about what is happening with my friends right now.
Almost as soon as the posting went up, I received the offensive message that follows:
"What in the FUCK is wrong with YOU. You are displaying a lot of psychotic characteristics. Please go get some help."
I won't say who sent it. It really doesn't matter. I tried to explain what the motivation was (via email). I received 2 more offensive responses. I was angry when I read them. I was angry because I didn't deserve that. I was angry because it made me start thinking about what I'm doing here. I didn't start a blog to dish about anyone's life except my own. But it seems that my decision to not name names creates so much pettiness. Believe it or not, I didn't just start writing poetry. I thought this would be helpful for me, but maybe I was kidding myself. Maybe I will just throw in the towel. A blog is not worth the way the emails made me feel as I read them or how I feel still.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Stumbling
Stumbling
I am starting to think that it’s over.
The us has become two.
The we that existed, will never be.
All that is left is a me and a you.
I am starting to think that it happened a while ago.
Your kisses left my mouth, retreating to my cheeks.
Silence filled our bedroom.
Eclipsing the sound of us between the sheets.
I am starting to think that you knew.
Each day I ceased to supply the airwaves
with a call, helped ease your desire
to speak to me at all.
I am starting to think that I wanted this.
Your kisses did not retreat.
They met the closest thing offered.
Our conversations ceased to be
because dead silence muddled your words
making me realize that we could not be
where I no longer was.
*************I bet you think this poem is about you, don't you don't you? Well, unless you were in my life in 2001 it's NOT!***************
I am starting to think that it’s over.
The us has become two.
The we that existed, will never be.
All that is left is a me and a you.
I am starting to think that it happened a while ago.
Your kisses left my mouth, retreating to my cheeks.
Silence filled our bedroom.
Eclipsing the sound of us between the sheets.
I am starting to think that you knew.
Each day I ceased to supply the airwaves
with a call, helped ease your desire
to speak to me at all.
I am starting to think that I wanted this.
Your kisses did not retreat.
They met the closest thing offered.
Our conversations ceased to be
because dead silence muddled your words
making me realize that we could not be
where I no longer was.
*************I bet you think this poem is about you, don't you don't you? Well, unless you were in my life in 2001 it's NOT!***************
Monday, September 1, 2008
The Beginning of the End
Last night I had the most pointless conversation with one of my former friends. I'd sent out a text letting some people know that we were having revival at our church. The end of the text said you don't want to miss this. Now, this individual thought it would be cute to respond "how do you know". I didn't think anything of it at first. I honestly didn't even know what the response was to. It was sent several hours later. I called him after church just for a point of clarity. He decides that it would be a good time to start the whole "just because you go to church...." conversation. I didn't want to have this conversation with him. We'd already had it countless times. He doesn't feel like going to church is important. He doesn't share my enthusiasm about God. He doesn't feel like I should only text him about church (for the record I text him about other things). You get the picture.
I ended up yelling at him and hanging up my phone. It was so frustrating to me because truly the beginning of the end started years ago. Years before I renewed my commitment to God. Years before my last two relationships. Years before I moved to Orlando for school. The beginning of the end was January 29, 1995. On that day our friendship changed in a way that could never be repaired. I recognized it then, but he wouldn't or maybe he couldn't accept the fact that our friend's murder changed our friendship. It was not a boyfriend, me going off to school, or God. It was murder. For years I felt sad about not feeling like I could be close to him. For years I tried different ways to repair something that was lost. Last night I decided to stop all of that. I can't change what happened and 13 years hasn't changed the way I feel. I just wish that we could at least agree on what was the beginning of the end.
I ended up yelling at him and hanging up my phone. It was so frustrating to me because truly the beginning of the end started years ago. Years before I renewed my commitment to God. Years before my last two relationships. Years before I moved to Orlando for school. The beginning of the end was January 29, 1995. On that day our friendship changed in a way that could never be repaired. I recognized it then, but he wouldn't or maybe he couldn't accept the fact that our friend's murder changed our friendship. It was not a boyfriend, me going off to school, or God. It was murder. For years I felt sad about not feeling like I could be close to him. For years I tried different ways to repair something that was lost. Last night I decided to stop all of that. I can't change what happened and 13 years hasn't changed the way I feel. I just wish that we could at least agree on what was the beginning of the end.
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