What it feels like just being a girl...

I know it's been almost a month since I devoted anytime to my lovely blog. It's not that I didn't have anything to say. I have had moments where I could have, maybe even should have said something. The truth is I just didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like saying anything about how I finally realized what goes through the minds of people who "go postal". I didn't want to say anything about getting myself all dressed up for another interview that didn't yield a positive result. I certainly did not want to talk about how for 2 nights in a row I just laid in the bed thinking about a male friend of mine. Trust me the thoughts were PG, but I just kept thinking for crying out loud woman go to sleep! To make matters worse, these thoughts hit the road with me and totally took over my mini vacation.

I DID want to talk about how sick I am of certain people acting like they know what goes on in my mind....really you don't so SHUT UP already. SOOOO for almost a month I didn't say anything. I didn't write about how I finally went to the right wedding. Didn't talk about why I just had to go to ATL.....it really wasn't about what anyone was thinking. Didn't talk about how hard it is to write under scrutiny when all you want to do is say what you want to say without all the bull....

Right now I think that I'm in such a weird place. I am aware of myself and my surroundings in a way that I never have been. I look at myself and I see a hot chick. I don't care who has something to say about that because for years I didn't see anything good at all. I didn't have an appreciation for the way my eyes light up when I know that I look good. I didn't realize how much I liked my own smile. It is weird because I find myself constantly having to defend why I take so many pictures or why I always say this or that about myself. I never knew that people could be so judgemental when all I want to do is celebrate being who I am.

I'm ok with being vulnerable. I'm ok with feeling like I want someone to be there with me. I'm ok with laughing and crying with my girlfriends. I'm ok with being single.....now really I'm so over it, but it's different. I haven't looked for anyone to fill that void. I haven't picked someone just so I can say I'm with whoever. I'm doing it by myself and it is hard every single day. I'm ok because despite that I haven't compromised. I'm at just so in touch with everything that makes me a girl. I'm loving my hair, my hips, my thighs, my scatter brained thoughts....all of it. I am who I am and finally all of it is alright with me.

UNBELIEVABLE

Step into my nightmare. I woke up this morning at 6:50. I called to check my account to make sure that my trusty unemployment check was there. It wasn't. I waited impatiently until 7:30 when their office opened to figure out why not. At exactly 7:30 I called, and still had to wait 12 minutes to speak to someone. Here's where the real nightmare starts. The sweet woman on the other end tells me that my benefits have been suspended because I've been working since August 25, 2008 and not reporting my income. The problem with this scenario is IT IS NOT TRUE!!!!! Now I calmly try to explain this to her. She can not be persuaded. I am already in tears because last night I wrote a check to the church in absolute good faith. This morning the check is worthless because Susy on the other end of the phone says I should have been reporting my income.

Now the real problem is I actually work for the company in question. Only I didn't start working for them in August. I started in October. It is a tutoring company and I work 5 hours a week. I have been reporting this, but alas she still could not be persuaded. I ask her why on earth I wasn't notified that my benefits were being suspended. She told me I was notified. A letter was mailed to my house today. TODAY? TODAY? TODAY? Mail from there office always takes at least 5 days to reach me. This is truly unbelievable. Oh, and as soon as I hung up and tried to call the church to alert them Verizon Wireless interrupted me to tell me my service was disconnected for nonpayment. Have a great day.

Here we go again.....

Obama is the next president! Thank you Jesus. :0
I have officially watched all of the free episodes of 90210! The world as we know it has ended :(

Seriously though, I was cautiously optimistic cuz of the whole election 2000 thing. I'm happy now though. Probably not as emotional as some. I haven't cried or screamed or anything. I actually spent the entire night watching 90210. It's not that I'm not invested. I am. This whole thing has been a long time coming. This is a day when so many of our men, black men, can see something else when they look in the mirror. Obama won and gave them the type of hope that can't be bought or encouraged. Obama won and changed the playing field for all of the little black boys whose highest aspirations were the NFL and the NBA. Obama's win will change so many things for us all as Americans, but I have to say that my heart is the most happy for the change that one man's win will mean for all of our boys.

Your Life Is Important

I was talking to one of my BFF's the other day and he said he didn't know which of his friends was saved. He also indicated that a large number of them went to church. The conversation sparked something in me at the time, but I wasn't quite sure what it was that I wanted to say until today.

Many people find attending church important. The reasons are as varied as the number of denominations that exist. I personally find it important because I think it is an honor to the Father. I remember when I stopped going to church. It wasn't a conscious decision. I didn't sit down and plot out a strategy. It began because I felt very angry with God for taking my grandmother. The situation worsened when I moved with my father. He didn't attend and didn't force the issue on me. I went every now and then in high school, but when I went to college I gave up church all together. For 3 years I did not set foot in a church for anything except my grandmother's funeral.

Then, it happened. I started realizing that things were not as they should be. Thursday night live was no longer all that live. Drinking games with my roommates no longer fascinated me. My life was full of people and things, but I was lacking. The life that I was living was not important.

I wrote yesterday about finding my church home and it is just that my home. What I failed to say then is that having a church home isn't what changed my life. Having a church home would have been about as important as mindless drinking games had I not realized Jesus was missing from my life. Many have a home and believe me I know the importance of that. However, without Jesus you don't have a life.

Any Given Sunday

It seems that I am on some kind of once a week rotation with this now. Today was a regular roller coaster. I was happy and then my team lost and I was sad. I started watching 90210 reruns and I was revived. I realized I only have 3 left out of 94 and devastation set in. What is the use of free episodes if they are only going to give me a third of the series?

Tomorrow is a big day for me. Three years ago my sister invited me to Family and Friends day at her church. I thought, what the hell I'll go. I'd been so unhappy for a long time. I was searching for something then. I wanted to get married, but it didn't feel right. I wanted a sense of belonging, but no matter where I turned I just kept feeling empty and unsatisfied. I went to Family and Friends day expecting nothing. Well, that's not exactly true. I expected to be there all day. I'd visited my sister's church as a kid. The only thing I remembered was falling asleep, waking up, and wondering why on earth we were still there.

When I got to church that day, I was so happy that my sister invited me. I was so happy to stand up and announce that I was her guest. I was so happy because I knew then that I'd found a large part of what I was looking for. I found the place where God wanted to reconnect with me.

I was smiling again. I was happy, hopeful, and optimistic. I was looking forward to my life again. So many things have happened since that day. I can't explain how profoundly my life has changed. My outlook is different. My expectations have changed. I think about where I would be if I'd said no or if she hadn't asked. I am certain that God would have found another way to guide me home. Nevertheless, I thank Him for giving me a sister who thought enough to ask.